Thirteen Very Bad Fanfics
13 Fanfics that should never be written, a.k.a. what *not* to write on your Christmas vacation. All wrong. Very bad. I inflict them on you to get them out of my head, in the hopes that stronger minds than mine can castrate these mutant plotbunnies before they grow up into MPREG nightmares.
(13) Hedwig/Nagini femmeslash
Harry notices that Hedwig has been spending a lot of time in a hollow tree... creating a cozy nest for herself, lined with feathers and snakeskin.
(12) Gandalf and Shadowfax re-written as Equuus
A nude Wizard rides across Middle-Earth on a shining white horse...
(11) Mirror, Mirror of Erised
A wormhole/spacewarp brings the original crew of the Enterprise to Hogwarts. By a twist of Treknology, the Mirror of Erised has become a giant holodeck, and the sheer debauchery reflected therein threatens the entire space/time continuum.
(10) Anything involving Jabba the Hut in an erotic scenario.
'Nuff said.
(9) Mulder and the Dustbunnies
Mulder cleans his apartment, and keeps seeing... something... move, under the bed, under the tables. Is it alive, or just odd manifestations of static electricity?
(8) Bill & Ted Meet Dr. Who
The phone booth manifests inside the Tardis. Bill & Ted become the Doctor's new companions. Includes threesome slash.
(7) Eric Cartman is the new Robin
Bruce Wayne industries opens a branch in South Park, Colorado, and Batman winds up getting assistance from a fat kid in tights.
(6) Arnold Rimmer & the GELF
Rimmer finally finds true love, or at least true lust, and it's even with a sentient biped.
(5) The Muppets Visit Ankh-Morpork
Miss Piggy decides to become a fashion designer, and attempts to join the Seamstress' Guild. Kermit and Rincewind swap stories about being chased by unpleasant people wielding edged weapons. Nobby mistakes Animal for an experimental weapon, and keeps attempting to load him into a cannon.
... on second thought, that one actually sounds like it'd be fun to read. Quick, one of you people needs to write it.
(4) "Crocodile" Dundee and Steve Irwin
Steve's out saving crocs; Dundee's out shooting crocs... they meet a hundred miles from civilization and their passion flares into unstoppable lust.
(3) Spongebob's New Job
Spongebob Squarepants isn't making enough money flipping Crabby Cakes, so he signs up for a new part-time job as a contraceptive sponge.
(2) Indiana Jones and the Transylvanian Castle
On a dark and stormy night, Indy's car breaks down near a castle inhabited by a mad scientist, bizarre servants, and exotic guests... who are all dressed in fishnets and corsets. Indy was headed to Denton, Texas, to discuss recent archaeological discoveries with a Dr. Everett Scott. Dr. Frank N. Furter and his associates introduce him to a world of perversion before taking off for their home planet of Transsexual.
... and the number one story which all fandom needs to avoid, and if it has happened, needs to be removed from fandom and its author brainwiped and reprogrammed so it never happens again:
(1) Dobby/Gollum slash
Is Master Gollum feeling better now? Dobby is sorry that Dobby's tongue is not longer.
Yess... my precioussss.... that'sssss it.... gollum gollum... ssssswallow the precioussss....
(13) Hedwig/Nagini femmeslash
Harry notices that Hedwig has been spending a lot of time in a hollow tree... creating a cozy nest for herself, lined with feathers and snakeskin.
(12) Gandalf and Shadowfax re-written as Equuus
A nude Wizard rides across Middle-Earth on a shining white horse...
(11) Mirror, Mirror of Erised
A wormhole/spacewarp brings the original crew of the Enterprise to Hogwarts. By a twist of Treknology, the Mirror of Erised has become a giant holodeck, and the sheer debauchery reflected therein threatens the entire space/time continuum.
(10) Anything involving Jabba the Hut in an erotic scenario.
'Nuff said.
(9) Mulder and the Dustbunnies
Mulder cleans his apartment, and keeps seeing... something... move, under the bed, under the tables. Is it alive, or just odd manifestations of static electricity?
(8) Bill & Ted Meet Dr. Who
The phone booth manifests inside the Tardis. Bill & Ted become the Doctor's new companions. Includes threesome slash.
(7) Eric Cartman is the new Robin
Bruce Wayne industries opens a branch in South Park, Colorado, and Batman winds up getting assistance from a fat kid in tights.
(6) Arnold Rimmer & the GELF
Rimmer finally finds true love, or at least true lust, and it's even with a sentient biped.
(5) The Muppets Visit Ankh-Morpork
Miss Piggy decides to become a fashion designer, and attempts to join the Seamstress' Guild. Kermit and Rincewind swap stories about being chased by unpleasant people wielding edged weapons. Nobby mistakes Animal for an experimental weapon, and keeps attempting to load him into a cannon.
... on second thought, that one actually sounds like it'd be fun to read. Quick, one of you people needs to write it.
(4) "Crocodile" Dundee and Steve Irwin
Steve's out saving crocs; Dundee's out shooting crocs... they meet a hundred miles from civilization and their passion flares into unstoppable lust.
(3) Spongebob's New Job
Spongebob Squarepants isn't making enough money flipping Crabby Cakes, so he signs up for a new part-time job as a contraceptive sponge.
(2) Indiana Jones and the Transylvanian Castle
On a dark and stormy night, Indy's car breaks down near a castle inhabited by a mad scientist, bizarre servants, and exotic guests... who are all dressed in fishnets and corsets. Indy was headed to Denton, Texas, to discuss recent archaeological discoveries with a Dr. Everett Scott. Dr. Frank N. Furter and his associates introduce him to a world of perversion before taking off for their home planet of Transsexual.
... and the number one story which all fandom needs to avoid, and if it has happened, needs to be removed from fandom and its author brainwiped and reprogrammed so it never happens again:
(1) Dobby/Gollum slash
Is Master Gollum feeling better now? Dobby is sorry that Dobby's tongue is not longer.
Yess... my precioussss.... that'sssss it.... gollum gollum... ssssswallow the precioussss....