homeless
so i feel totally homeless which is ironic because in actuality i have 2 places i could stay at the moment and yet i dont feel comfortable in either one. I love my apartment so much and the more i think about leaving it and moving back home the more upset i get. i just wish i was able to work more last year so i could have saved up a little more money to help get me through these next few months, but that is my own fault. plus with a lack of air conditioning, it has become totally unbareable to stay there in this stupid, crazy heat wave. i just walked in today to grab something and i started sweating immediately, so i cant even enjoy my last month of living alone.
and then there is my parents' house. someplace you would think you were always welcome and could always feel comfortable, but for those of you that know me closely, that just never seems to happen. especially with the divorce going on, things only seem to get worse day by day. my mom still hasnt moved her shit out of my room, so i still havent been able to get comfortable in it. plus it still smells like cigarettes. hopefully the half of bottle of febreze i sprayed and the 2 air freshners it will be better soon. and then i have to take my blanket to the dry cleaners and wash all my bedding. it all smells gross.. YUCK! this all wasnt so bad b/c i used to be able to stay in the den, but my mom recently has moved back down there, with her shit now in there and she smokes there now instead, so that room now smells absolutely gross. so while i was relaxing there today after work, she gets all pissed off and acuses me of taking over 2 rooms in the house, when i dont even feel like i have one. especially since having "taken over" the den is pretty lame since it should be a common room for everyone to share. but my mom is a stupid, crazy, selfish bitch who all cares about herself and where she will be able to watch tv for the night.
so i wound up choosing to stay at james' house AGAIN, which was fine b/c he was out at his sisters for his moms birthday and i was able to come over and relax and pass out before he got home, but b/c i fell asleep on his side of the bed he found it necessary to wake me up to make me move over and then we were talking about shit and i got to thinking about other stuff and now im still awake almost 2 hours later and hes sound asleep. so much for coming here and getting a good night sleep. now i just have lots of shit on my mind that i dont really want to be thinking about at this moment, i want to be in dreamland where everything is happy and i dont feel like shit about myself and the family im surrounded by.
its times like these that i reallly want ot leave NY and leave everyone behind and just start my life over again, where no one knows my past or who i used to be. i just want to forget about my family and my surroundings and just leave... who knows, maybe it will still happen one day, i just need to keep hoping and wishing.....
and then there is my parents' house. someplace you would think you were always welcome and could always feel comfortable, but for those of you that know me closely, that just never seems to happen. especially with the divorce going on, things only seem to get worse day by day. my mom still hasnt moved her shit out of my room, so i still havent been able to get comfortable in it. plus it still smells like cigarettes. hopefully the half of bottle of febreze i sprayed and the 2 air freshners it will be better soon. and then i have to take my blanket to the dry cleaners and wash all my bedding. it all smells gross.. YUCK! this all wasnt so bad b/c i used to be able to stay in the den, but my mom recently has moved back down there, with her shit now in there and she smokes there now instead, so that room now smells absolutely gross. so while i was relaxing there today after work, she gets all pissed off and acuses me of taking over 2 rooms in the house, when i dont even feel like i have one. especially since having "taken over" the den is pretty lame since it should be a common room for everyone to share. but my mom is a stupid, crazy, selfish bitch who all cares about herself and where she will be able to watch tv for the night.
so i wound up choosing to stay at james' house AGAIN, which was fine b/c he was out at his sisters for his moms birthday and i was able to come over and relax and pass out before he got home, but b/c i fell asleep on his side of the bed he found it necessary to wake me up to make me move over and then we were talking about shit and i got to thinking about other stuff and now im still awake almost 2 hours later and hes sound asleep. so much for coming here and getting a good night sleep. now i just have lots of shit on my mind that i dont really want to be thinking about at this moment, i want to be in dreamland where everything is happy and i dont feel like shit about myself and the family im surrounded by.
its times like these that i reallly want ot leave NY and leave everyone behind and just start my life over again, where no one knows my past or who i used to be. i just want to forget about my family and my surroundings and just leave... who knows, maybe it will still happen one day, i just need to keep hoping and wishing.....