(no subject)
there are some days when even writing your thoughts in one big run-on sentence doesn't even fix things. i dont even know if fix is the right word.
i dont know what's going to happen. i dont know why i hate myself or why i'm so sad because i dont have the right to be. i dont know why i think or feel or why anyone does or why i feel selfcentered all the time. i feel wildly insane with jealousy of everything and everyone because they're not in my mindset. which sucks. because i'm not bad off at all.
i wish i could stop taking the easy route around things. but being sad is just so EASY. nothing ever disappoints you because EVERYTHING is disappointing. i know i have a choice. dont tell me i know i know i know.
i really do feel like a stupid fucking angsty teenager who runs into her room, yells "you dont understand" and slams the door because that's what i did like an hour ago. things are better like i knew they'd be but 1) they still dont understand and 2) i still hate myself for yelling at my kindhearted, beautiful father and 3) i still am not feeling quite right.
i did bad things this weekend and i thought bad things but i always do. i wish this writing wasn't so bad and i wish more people understood it. i hate livejournal. i hate myspace.
eliza, you said "i dont like to be too introspective all the time because everything loses its meaning"
well i agree that that's exactly what happens. because that's all i do and everything is starting to lose meaning and end up as just a question of who am i and why am i here. things are starting to not make sense and i wonder why that is. maybe someone above doesn't want us to know the truth, so he or she or it toys with our heads and makes us think that there isn't an answer and here i go AGAIN. SHUT UP SOPHIE.
i have decided.
i really really LOVE something about myself.
i truly LOVE my name. Sophie. I wouldn't trade it for the world.
i dont know what's going to happen. i dont know why i hate myself or why i'm so sad because i dont have the right to be. i dont know why i think or feel or why anyone does or why i feel selfcentered all the time. i feel wildly insane with jealousy of everything and everyone because they're not in my mindset. which sucks. because i'm not bad off at all.
i wish i could stop taking the easy route around things. but being sad is just so EASY. nothing ever disappoints you because EVERYTHING is disappointing. i know i have a choice. dont tell me i know i know i know.
i really do feel like a stupid fucking angsty teenager who runs into her room, yells "you dont understand" and slams the door because that's what i did like an hour ago. things are better like i knew they'd be but 1) they still dont understand and 2) i still hate myself for yelling at my kindhearted, beautiful father and 3) i still am not feeling quite right.
i did bad things this weekend and i thought bad things but i always do. i wish this writing wasn't so bad and i wish more people understood it. i hate livejournal. i hate myspace.
eliza, you said "i dont like to be too introspective all the time because everything loses its meaning"
well i agree that that's exactly what happens. because that's all i do and everything is starting to lose meaning and end up as just a question of who am i and why am i here. things are starting to not make sense and i wonder why that is. maybe someone above doesn't want us to know the truth, so he or she or it toys with our heads and makes us think that there isn't an answer and here i go AGAIN. SHUT UP SOPHIE.
i have decided.
i really really LOVE something about myself.
i truly LOVE my name. Sophie. I wouldn't trade it for the world.