Regret
Let me tell you a little about regret.
When I was 18, I made a conscious decision to never regret anything in life. I was going to live life to the fullest, leave nothing left in the tank, but not hold onto anything that I didn't do as well as I could. Yes, I'd learn from my mistakes, but I wouldn't dwell on them, and I'd move on, all the stronger because of them.
Well, that served me fine for ten years. Or at least I thought it did. Now I'm here, though, a week before my 29th birthday, and I'm looking back and realizing that I've made a lot of mistakes. Some of those mistakes, the really big ones and the ones I didn't get a chance to make, I deeply regret.
I regret not trying harder to become a professional cyclist when I was younger. I think I really had the talent. It's one thing I've always known for sure that I was good at.
I regret flashing my junk onstage during a lip-syncing contest. It was stupid, immature, and offensive. I just wanted to impress some girl.
I regret cheating on my girlfriend during the first week of my freshman year of college. That really altered the course of my life and subsequent relationships. It altered my psyche.
I regret not pulling myself out of depression in college. Maybe there was little I could do, but I had severe depression and couldn't get out of bed most days. I stopped going to class. I stopped hanging out with most friends. I wasted my time and my grandparents' money.
Speaking of my grandparents' money, they gave me a really nice graduation gift, and I spent it all on beer. I really, really regret that. That was not right.
I regret leaving my job as a flight instructor. It was really the most fun job I've ever had. I also regret leaving my job as a captain for Cape Air. That was an amazing company, and my life was never better than when I worked there.
I regret losing touch with a few people from high school. They were my best friends in the world, and now I don't even know where they live. Matt, Christine, Siobhan, and I were really close, and that all went away so quickly. Adam, too. We were so close that in junior high I broke up with his girlfriend for him because he was too afraid to do it. I'm still friends with her, but I don't know where he is.
I regret working so hard when I was flight instructing that I'd come home exhausted, and not really be able to spend quality time with Jessica. I regret that when she wanted to give it another shot, I didn't say yes. I really should have said yes. That might have been the stupidest thing I've ever done.
I regret that I've hurt people, treated people badly, taken advantage of, or neglected people. I see myself as a good guy, and I think others do too, but when I think of what I've done to people and how I've made them feel, purposefully or not, I can't help but think I'm a monster and that I deserve every bit of bad luck or karma that has come my way.
I regret not being able to look outside my little world when things started to get serious with Keri. I regret that I was childish and that I felt too self important. I regret not telling her when I opened my online dating account back up, whether or not I was just there to save our old messages. I don't really know if that was my only purpose there. Maybe it wasn't.
I regret the sunny days that I've spent inside on my computer. You only get so many days in your life, and not every day is going to be sunny. I wish I had taken advantage of every one of those days.
I regret speeding tickets. I really don't think that speeding should carry so heavy a burden, but they blemish my driving record, deplete my bank account, send me to court, raise my insurance rates, and make it hard to get pilot jobs. Speeding tickets have stunted my career growth at times and sent me into financial crises.
I regret not visiting Nicole when she was in the hospital with cancer. Yes, I worked nearly every day, but some things are more important. I regret not going to comfort Nicole when Gary broke up with her. I was only half an hour away, I could have gone. I should have gone.
I regret ever moving out of my tiny apartment in Somerville. At least while I was there I had my own place. I haven't had that in the years since. I loved the community there. Now I'm living in the same place I lived when I was 23, 18, and 12.
I regret not spending more time with my grandparents, and the rest of my family. Each day they get older, and one day they won't be here anymore. There's a lot I could learn or could have learned from them.
People say life is short, but it's just a phrase. No one stops to think about it. But you and I and everyone who will ever read this or anything else... we will all die. That is certain. We only get one chance at this. Maybe there really isn't enough time to dwell on regrets, but damn, I wish I had done these things differently. Yeah, I've learned a lot from these mistakes, but you know what? I know that there are a lot more mistakes I'm going to make, and I'll make them every day. Most I can let go of, but I'm terrified of the next one I'm going to regret.
When I was 18, I made a conscious decision to never regret anything in life. I was going to live life to the fullest, leave nothing left in the tank, but not hold onto anything that I didn't do as well as I could. Yes, I'd learn from my mistakes, but I wouldn't dwell on them, and I'd move on, all the stronger because of them.
Well, that served me fine for ten years. Or at least I thought it did. Now I'm here, though, a week before my 29th birthday, and I'm looking back and realizing that I've made a lot of mistakes. Some of those mistakes, the really big ones and the ones I didn't get a chance to make, I deeply regret.
I regret not trying harder to become a professional cyclist when I was younger. I think I really had the talent. It's one thing I've always known for sure that I was good at.
I regret flashing my junk onstage during a lip-syncing contest. It was stupid, immature, and offensive. I just wanted to impress some girl.
I regret cheating on my girlfriend during the first week of my freshman year of college. That really altered the course of my life and subsequent relationships. It altered my psyche.
I regret not pulling myself out of depression in college. Maybe there was little I could do, but I had severe depression and couldn't get out of bed most days. I stopped going to class. I stopped hanging out with most friends. I wasted my time and my grandparents' money.
Speaking of my grandparents' money, they gave me a really nice graduation gift, and I spent it all on beer. I really, really regret that. That was not right.
I regret leaving my job as a flight instructor. It was really the most fun job I've ever had. I also regret leaving my job as a captain for Cape Air. That was an amazing company, and my life was never better than when I worked there.
I regret losing touch with a few people from high school. They were my best friends in the world, and now I don't even know where they live. Matt, Christine, Siobhan, and I were really close, and that all went away so quickly. Adam, too. We were so close that in junior high I broke up with his girlfriend for him because he was too afraid to do it. I'm still friends with her, but I don't know where he is.
I regret working so hard when I was flight instructing that I'd come home exhausted, and not really be able to spend quality time with Jessica. I regret that when she wanted to give it another shot, I didn't say yes. I really should have said yes. That might have been the stupidest thing I've ever done.
I regret that I've hurt people, treated people badly, taken advantage of, or neglected people. I see myself as a good guy, and I think others do too, but when I think of what I've done to people and how I've made them feel, purposefully or not, I can't help but think I'm a monster and that I deserve every bit of bad luck or karma that has come my way.
I regret not being able to look outside my little world when things started to get serious with Keri. I regret that I was childish and that I felt too self important. I regret not telling her when I opened my online dating account back up, whether or not I was just there to save our old messages. I don't really know if that was my only purpose there. Maybe it wasn't.
I regret the sunny days that I've spent inside on my computer. You only get so many days in your life, and not every day is going to be sunny. I wish I had taken advantage of every one of those days.
I regret speeding tickets. I really don't think that speeding should carry so heavy a burden, but they blemish my driving record, deplete my bank account, send me to court, raise my insurance rates, and make it hard to get pilot jobs. Speeding tickets have stunted my career growth at times and sent me into financial crises.
I regret not visiting Nicole when she was in the hospital with cancer. Yes, I worked nearly every day, but some things are more important. I regret not going to comfort Nicole when Gary broke up with her. I was only half an hour away, I could have gone. I should have gone.
I regret ever moving out of my tiny apartment in Somerville. At least while I was there I had my own place. I haven't had that in the years since. I loved the community there. Now I'm living in the same place I lived when I was 23, 18, and 12.
I regret not spending more time with my grandparents, and the rest of my family. Each day they get older, and one day they won't be here anymore. There's a lot I could learn or could have learned from them.
People say life is short, but it's just a phrase. No one stops to think about it. But you and I and everyone who will ever read this or anything else... we will all die. That is certain. We only get one chance at this. Maybe there really isn't enough time to dwell on regrets, but damn, I wish I had done these things differently. Yeah, I've learned a lot from these mistakes, but you know what? I know that there are a lot more mistakes I'm going to make, and I'll make them every day. Most I can let go of, but I'm terrified of the next one I'm going to regret.