Catching up.
Well, today started out better than most of the days this week. Having Greg moved out is, quite frankly, a relief. Even though our little suite looks a bit like a really good party happened recently (I'm not couting the layers of dust that's on everything *rolls eyes*) and now we're left with an echoingly grubby semi abandoned looking place. Bryce made signifigant inroads on sweeping and tidying - bless him- even with a very very ugly looking sore toe. I'm serious folks, his right foot's big toe is a swollen red and black looking mess. I took pity on him and made like the nagging sister-type I am and proceeded to dispense the tylenol and make noises about ice and him getting it checked out. He slipped and bent it under while he fell on it, and by golly it looks like it REALLY freaking hurts. He says the throbbing is keeping him awake and I wince each time I see him hobble around on it.
My mood hasn't been swinging quite as wildly the last few days since Samhain, so I'm doing better and thankful for it. I think this time of change is affecting B and I in the same way: we're having a good hard look at our lives in the merciless cold grey Novemeber light of day and finding ourselves wanting - according to some unseen mental measuring stick. I've found myself increasingly unable to fake the breezy mood I often display in public - not sure how I feel about presenting my less than perky face to the world. Meh, it'll be good for me to 'be real' - or at least as long as possible until reflexes kick back in and make me little Miss Sunshine again.
Geri has offered the use of her stream cleaner, and I'm going to take her up on it. I bought a fresh container of Pink Solution, so I'm ready to give the place a scrub down, organic style. Bryce has been instrumental in being supportive; we've already begun breaking down the chores into smaller more managable goals. I've even wiped down a few surfaces already and even did some laundry so that I have non yucky clothes to clean in. Seems like an oxymoron until you realise that YES, you need clean gonch to clean the house in. Imagine that!
My sleep is still backwards, and depending on how my energy is here at 5am with my sleep all backwards, I might putter around the kitchen and do a load or two of dishes while I listen to my ipod. Any and all forward movement is good in the cleaning department, I've felt a bit frustrated at myself for not keeping up with B-man - but I know once I get going today I'll pick at the edges again as I feel able to deal. My blood sugars have been a bit high and my eating is erratic, so no wonder I feel like I'm coming off a 3 day bender.
Lunch with Geri was balm to my soul the other day (love you Geri!!!). We had delicious Thai/Vietnamese food that REALLY hit the spot for me. We got caught up with each other and, as usual, Geri' exquisite no nonsense acceptance was exactly the jump start I needed to feel like I've connected with the real world again, and that everything's gonna be ok. We stopped at Famous Foods after lunch and I found some nice potato and bacon perogies to snarf - and they weren't bad... still miss cheese like mad, but it was a comfort food that has me at least eating like a semi sane human being again.
I was in a VERY odd mental state this morning/early afternoon - felt almost like I was stuck in a semi-meditative trance. What was odd about it was that I was even more intuitive than usual and had a couple of really fun 'oh my god you read my mind' moments with Bryce that made us both laugh. I was definately listening to my 'Higher Self' intuitions and yet JUST grounded enough to question things and keep an eye on myself in case I'm getting into psychosis. Yes, I KNOW I can get psychosis; mum has been dealing with it for years -and given the odd slepping, eating oddness and stress, I don't doubt that I've been hovering around the edges myself the last few days at odd moments. The thing is though, is that while I was aware of impulsive/intuitive moments, I was grounded enough to not give in, nor was I feeling urged to do anything alarming.
Hrm, I'm not describing this very am I? Let' s just say earlier today after waking from some very vivid and emotional/spiritual driven dreams, I was aware of something moving and changing in my life for the first time in years. The tarot card reading I posted earlier (before this post) is the result of asking about that experience and state, and it's impact on my life, what lessons I can learn and what will happen if I continue to listen to my inner kindly voice rather than the cruel bitter self abusive voice I more commonly let run my consciousness. You know, the self critical voice that we all have. Mine is far meaner than most, aspects of my eating disorder and abusive behaviour learned and chanted like a mantra from those who have abused me in the past. In the true spirit of Samhain, I let it go a bit today and listened instead to a higher power and am hoping the momentum can bring me forward to help me help myself make my life less like a concentration camp, and more like the reality I need in order to not just survive, but thrive.
I've had enough of surviving by the skin of my teeth, pretending everything is fine while I beat myself up constantly for things I haven't done or are not my fault or I can't control. I graciously bow to the Divine and if I can't have what I fantasize about in hoping my price charming will save me, I can at least see myself as WORTH saving instead of seeing myself as some lesser being who doesn't deserve a damned thing.
I'm accepting certain things I hate, like the fact that my age and my weight makes me a pariah in the romance department - I mean why waste energy on worrying about that? I've had lots of offers and I've been so self destructive that it's a wonder I haven't succeeded in suicide. Yes I am SERIOUS about that, folks. The human psyche can only hadle so much drubbing before the will to live, even mine as formidable as it is, finally gives a last gasp and rolls over.
Anyways, this is turning into yet another TsunAMY. So, I'll get on with testing blood sugars and other stupid yucky crap I have to do to live, and get on with whatever.
Thank you Universe, for not giving up on me!
My mood hasn't been swinging quite as wildly the last few days since Samhain, so I'm doing better and thankful for it. I think this time of change is affecting B and I in the same way: we're having a good hard look at our lives in the merciless cold grey Novemeber light of day and finding ourselves wanting - according to some unseen mental measuring stick. I've found myself increasingly unable to fake the breezy mood I often display in public - not sure how I feel about presenting my less than perky face to the world. Meh, it'll be good for me to 'be real' - or at least as long as possible until reflexes kick back in and make me little Miss Sunshine again.
Geri has offered the use of her stream cleaner, and I'm going to take her up on it. I bought a fresh container of Pink Solution, so I'm ready to give the place a scrub down, organic style. Bryce has been instrumental in being supportive; we've already begun breaking down the chores into smaller more managable goals. I've even wiped down a few surfaces already and even did some laundry so that I have non yucky clothes to clean in. Seems like an oxymoron until you realise that YES, you need clean gonch to clean the house in. Imagine that!
My sleep is still backwards, and depending on how my energy is here at 5am with my sleep all backwards, I might putter around the kitchen and do a load or two of dishes while I listen to my ipod. Any and all forward movement is good in the cleaning department, I've felt a bit frustrated at myself for not keeping up with B-man - but I know once I get going today I'll pick at the edges again as I feel able to deal. My blood sugars have been a bit high and my eating is erratic, so no wonder I feel like I'm coming off a 3 day bender.
Lunch with Geri was balm to my soul the other day (love you Geri!!!). We had delicious Thai/Vietnamese food that REALLY hit the spot for me. We got caught up with each other and, as usual, Geri' exquisite no nonsense acceptance was exactly the jump start I needed to feel like I've connected with the real world again, and that everything's gonna be ok. We stopped at Famous Foods after lunch and I found some nice potato and bacon perogies to snarf - and they weren't bad... still miss cheese like mad, but it was a comfort food that has me at least eating like a semi sane human being again.
I was in a VERY odd mental state this morning/early afternoon - felt almost like I was stuck in a semi-meditative trance. What was odd about it was that I was even more intuitive than usual and had a couple of really fun 'oh my god you read my mind' moments with Bryce that made us both laugh. I was definately listening to my 'Higher Self' intuitions and yet JUST grounded enough to question things and keep an eye on myself in case I'm getting into psychosis. Yes, I KNOW I can get psychosis; mum has been dealing with it for years -and given the odd slepping, eating oddness and stress, I don't doubt that I've been hovering around the edges myself the last few days at odd moments. The thing is though, is that while I was aware of impulsive/intuitive moments, I was grounded enough to not give in, nor was I feeling urged to do anything alarming.
Hrm, I'm not describing this very am I? Let' s just say earlier today after waking from some very vivid and emotional/spiritual driven dreams, I was aware of something moving and changing in my life for the first time in years. The tarot card reading I posted earlier (before this post) is the result of asking about that experience and state, and it's impact on my life, what lessons I can learn and what will happen if I continue to listen to my inner kindly voice rather than the cruel bitter self abusive voice I more commonly let run my consciousness. You know, the self critical voice that we all have. Mine is far meaner than most, aspects of my eating disorder and abusive behaviour learned and chanted like a mantra from those who have abused me in the past. In the true spirit of Samhain, I let it go a bit today and listened instead to a higher power and am hoping the momentum can bring me forward to help me help myself make my life less like a concentration camp, and more like the reality I need in order to not just survive, but thrive.
I've had enough of surviving by the skin of my teeth, pretending everything is fine while I beat myself up constantly for things I haven't done or are not my fault or I can't control. I graciously bow to the Divine and if I can't have what I fantasize about in hoping my price charming will save me, I can at least see myself as WORTH saving instead of seeing myself as some lesser being who doesn't deserve a damned thing.
I'm accepting certain things I hate, like the fact that my age and my weight makes me a pariah in the romance department - I mean why waste energy on worrying about that? I've had lots of offers and I've been so self destructive that it's a wonder I haven't succeeded in suicide. Yes I am SERIOUS about that, folks. The human psyche can only hadle so much drubbing before the will to live, even mine as formidable as it is, finally gives a last gasp and rolls over.
Anyways, this is turning into yet another TsunAMY. So, I'll get on with testing blood sugars and other stupid yucky crap I have to do to live, and get on with whatever.
Thank you Universe, for not giving up on me!