Visual Illusion - Orgy, NC-17, parts 6-10/25

[elfing]

VISUAL ILLUSION

6. Aftermath

He went sometime later after he had showered without a single word to me as I lay there feeling dirty and used. After all that had happened it was no surprise when Ryan showed up perhaps a quarter of an hour later.
“Amir? Tell me what happened.” I felt his hand stroking my shoulder through the covers I’d pulled up around me in a warm, safe, but unfortunately Jay-scented cocoon.

“I don’t want to talk about,” I said hoarsely. “Please go away Ry.” I just wanted to lay here and feel sorry for myself.

“You know I can’t do that Mir,” he said gently and I felt the subtle shift of the springs as he crawled onto the mattress so that he could attempt to look me in the face. I wasn’t making life easy for him by burying my face into the softness of the pillow.
“What happened?” he repeated, and I could feel him lay down alongside me. I raised my head slightly, knowing I must look an absolute fright with my red and tear-swollen eyes as I looked at him. His face was only inches from mine, his pale blue eyes deeply concerned.

“It was Jay,” I spat, angered at the singer. “He did to me what he did before.”

“Oh Mir…” he sighed and reached out, his hand curving around the back of my neck in a touch very comforting. He rested his forehead against mine. “Why do you let him do this to you? What are you going to do?”

“What *can* I do? He won’t listen to me if I try to talk to him…” I sighed heavily. “God Ry - I had him *here*, he was so...so *real*...he wasn’t the arrogant Jay you guys see. He was *real*...so sweet...Oh my God, just the way he was I could see why I loved him so much.”

“Then what happened?” Ryan asked, puzzled. “You said he ‘did it to you again’.”

“He changed on me - he went back to being that asshole we all know and love. Paige - he opened the door on us...on us...um...doing it...” I flushed and Ryan stroked the back of my neck gently. “Up until then...he was everything I knew he was deep inside. But afterwards - well he acted like all he cared about was getting himself off. He didn’t talk to me...didn’t do anything for *me*. He just left.”

“I swear I’ll fucking kill him,” Ryan murmured under his breath. “Do you want me to speak to-“ his words were interrupted by a sound in the doorway. I turned to look.

Pale, beautiful, contemptuous...Jay stood in the doorway. A scornful sneer curled his lip and his hazel eyes were dark with derisive amusement.
“Jay-“ I pushed myself from the bed, but tangled in the bedsheets, fell heavily to the floor, swearing. When I looked up he was gone. “Jay - oh fuck...”

“Go after him,” Ryan urged me. “There was something behind that - something...I don’t know what...you gotta go after him and find out Mir. Push it - push *him*.”

I looked at him, worried. “Do you think that I should risk-“

“Yes!” he exclaimed. “Didn’t you see - there was something else behind that - you’ve got to find out what it was!”
I scrambled for my clothes, hopping on one foot towards the door as I pulled my boots on. Ryan was right - there *had* been something - only the briefest flicker in those enigmatic eyes of some emotion I couldn’t yet name...and since Ryan saw it too I knew it wasn’t just my lovesick eyes deceiving me.

I hurried through the apartments we were staying at, glancing in each room for a sight of the elegant singer. “Bobby - have you seen Jay?” I asked, trying not to sound urgent.

Bobby looked up from his newspaper and coffee. “Sure Mir, he was here just a moment ago. He said he was gonna go for a walk...he shouldn’t have got far. You should be able to catch up with him.”

“Thanks,” I flashed him a smile of gratitude, hurrying for the door.

“Amir, wait-“ I turned at the sound of my name. Paige was coming towards me his expression apologetic. I turned my back on him and opened the door. “Mir, I just wanna say I’m sorry for-“

“Save it Paige,” I interrupted him harshly. “You’ve done enough this morning. I haven’t got time for this right now.” I pushed out the door and once I reached street level I stood looking each way in chagrin. I had no idea which way he might have gone. How the fuck was I going to find him - especially if he didn’t want to be found?

I chose a direction and it was through pure luck of a fifty-fifty decision that I picked the right direction to go. As I passed an overshadowed alleyway a voice drawled, “Looking for a good time, babe?”

For all the suggestive nature of the tone I would know that voice anywhere. I peered into the gloom, the darkness of the shadows between the buildings in stark contrast to the almost dizzyingly bright sunlight. “Jay?” Even though I knew it was Jay my voice was still uncertain. I saw movement in the shadows and slowly stepped forward into the alley.

He reclined against one of the uneven brick walls that lined the alley, a cigarette dangling from his fingers. His face was faintly amused and pale against the black of his clothes. He let his gaze slowly roam over me and I felt myself flush. “Hurry dressing, did we?” When I remained silent he continued on. “Just for me? Oh Mirmir, you shouldn’t have,” he sneered.

For all his arrogance and contempt there was something curiously vulnerable behind his demeanour. I swallowed. “About what you saw - it’s not what you think-“

He shrugged, idly dragging on his cigarette. “Lord, why should I care?” he said. “I *know* you’re a little whore Mir - why should I care if you’re fucking Ry?”

I stared at him, no doubt gaping stupidly like a fish. “I’m *not* fucking Ryan!” I exclaimed, a trifle indignantly. “Dude, I wouldn’t *ever* do that to Bobby even if I *did* want to screw Ry. I’m not like that-“

“What? Like I am, you mean?”

“I didn’t mean it like that Jay - stop twisting my words!” That was something Jay excelled at - twisting words. He always had been good at it.

Jay sighed then, increasing this weird sense of vulnerability I felt emanating from him. “Why are you here, Amir?” he asked, his tone almost brutal. “*Why*?”

“Why? Because you *hurt* me Jay - you hurt me and I want to know *why*.”

“I hurt you?” Jay laughed. “For fucks *sake* Amir - you *know* what I’m like!” It was like he was trying to say he couldn’t help it. Like it was a part of him he couldn’t control. I knew he could if he was just to try. Sure, it might be hard for him - but I had faith in him. I knew he was better than this - *more* than this.

“But it’s not *you*.”

Jay pushed forward off the wall, stepping in close to me. Nervously I took a step back. “What’s not me?” he gestured angrily. “This *is* me Mir! I don’t know why you seem to think that there’s something more to me - there *isn’t*!” He stepped forward again, and I again stepped back, gasping as my back thumped softly against the rough brick wall.

“You’re wrong,” I said softly, knowing I was pushing my luck. “You *are* wrong, Jay.”

Jay looked at me with something akin to pity. “Don’t you think that *I’d* be the one to know what I am? After all, I *am* the one inside my own head.”

I took a deep breath. “I don’t think you even *know* what you do. This morning...you were so different. So...normal? You were relaxed, free...like a real person is - not this iceman you make out you are. But then Paige came in on us and you *changed*...” I trailed off nervously. He was staring at me so sharply.

“Why do you *care* so much about me?” he asked in an odd tone.

I could feel the warmth of his body so close to mine yet not touching me. I licked my lips. “Because...because I love you, Jay,” I whispered.

“You *love* me?” Jay looked down shaking his head slightly, laughing softly. “Mores the fool you.” He pushed up against me and I could feel the sharp bite of the bricks into my back. My hands were trapped between our bodies, palms flat against his chest as I feebly tried to push him away. He was so warm against my palms through the softness of his sweater. “Mir, Mir, Mir,” he shook his head slowly. “What *am* I going to do with you?”
He looked so intense that I have to admit I was almost scared of him. He pushed me against the wall harder and the pressure on my back grew more uncomfortable.

“Jay,” I squeaked. “You’re hurting me...”

His sneer almost concealed the flicker in his eyes. “Gee, and there’s a surprise.” He raised the cigarette he held until it was level with my eyes and I felt a stab of fear as he moved it close to my face. I bit my lip, sure that I could feel the faint heat of it glowing close to my skin. Fuck, fuck, fuck! The crazy fucker was going to burn me - he was going to *burn* me!
I took a deep breath - if he was going to burn me then he was going to have to do it with me looking him full in the eye so he would *know* what he was doing to me. His hand moved forward sharply and I flinched.
But instead of feeling the excruciating pain of a burn he crushed the cigarette out against the wall, flicking the butt away. “I would never burn you Mir,” his tone was gently scolding.

Then he crushed his mouth to mine and I felt his tongue prod insistently against my lips and with a moan I opened my lips to let him plunder my mouth. I’m sure he meant the kiss as some sort of punishment, some way to hurt me more, but all I could think of was how good it felt to have his mouth on mine again. I lost myself in his sweet taste as my fingers curled into the softness of his sweater to keep him close to me, moaning softly as I returned his kiss. I ground my hips against his and it was his turn to moan in response.

Suddenly he dragged away from me and with a muffled cry that sounded like “No,” he stumbled from the alley.

With his support suddenly gone I slid down the wall to rest on my heels. Ah damn...not again. I raised my hand to my face and could smell his scent on him fingers as much as I could taste him on my lips. But I wasn’t feeling devastated like I had the first time he had abandoned me like this - nor defeated like I had felt the second time, only this morning. This time it was an odd sense of triumph that I felt - I had managed to throw the unshakeable Jay.
I knew I shouldn’t have told him that I loved him - it had been a mistake right from the start, but the way he had acted - what I had seen before he kissed me...

All I needed was to talk to him. Find out why he had had deep fear in his eyes before he kissed me.

7. An Unexpected Visit

I gathered up some clean clothes, heading towards the shower. Even though it was almost time for lunch, I had to wash Jay’s touch off me. I couldn’t think clearly for the memories the scent of him on my skin evoked.
Placing my fresh clothes in a neat pile on the corner of the vanity unit I reaching into the shower and turned on the hot water tap, quickly stripping out of my yesterday’s clothes and jumped in under the spray.

Almost as quickly I was jumping back out, swearing luridly. “Buggerbloodyshit*fuck*!” I swore, my naked body stinging and pinked from its brief submersion under the burning spray. I flicked on the cold water tap, adjusting the waster to a suitable temperature before once again stepping under the spray. I sighed with relief as the warm flush of water soothed my scalded body.

The image of Jay using the shower before me crept insidiously into my mind and no matter what I did I couldn’t blank it out. I bit back a groan as I imagined him naked under the glistening spray, the flowing water caressing his pale body like a lover, his face turned up to the water. His beautiful, hazel, oh-so-jaded eyes would have been closed, his lips parted slightly, his tongue flicking out to taste the water on his lips looking all the world like an innocent, vulnerable angel. A fallen angel with a body made for sin and a mind to match.

I let out a breathy sigh as my soapy hands traced the imagined path of *his* hands over his own body. My thoughts of him in the shower were so erotic and arousing I could feel myself hardening up and obligingly I let one soaped hand glide down my body to take my now throbbing erection in hand. I sighed again, leaning back against the slick, damp tiles, letting my head fall back against the wall of the shower stall.
I slowly stroked myself, my overactive imagination placing Jay in the shower with me, *his* hand gently massaging my cock, his breath warm on my neck. I moaned, desperate for physical release, increasing my strokes until I felt the familiar building pressure that preceded an orgasm.

Touch me Jay, my mind whispered and I moaned his name. Jay, my imaginary lover, was kissing my neck now, whispering how much he loved me, how he wanted to fuck me senseless and the remembrance of the feel of his cock pulsing within my body was enough to throw me over the edge, whimpering Jay’s name as I quietly orgasmed. I had to brace myself against the shower wall as my knees threatened to mutiny and spill me to the floor.

Letting the water pound over me for a moment to wash away the signs of my pleasure, I reached for the soap once again and began to attack my skin with the soapy face washer, scrubbing myself pink to remove all feel of Jay’s hands, mouth, and body off me. It was bad enough that I had just came, imagining that it was him jerking me off - I desperately needed to clear my head.

No matter how furiously I scrubbed, I could still remember his hands gliding over my skin, his hot mouth against my nipples, my cock... It was like the harder I scrubbed, the more intense the remembered sensations became.
Ah, dammit Jay! Get out of my mind! It was so frustrating...how was I expected to concentrate when all I could think about was him fucking me slowly and lazily? I attacked my hair with shampooed hands and even that action brought back the memories of his long fingers massaging my scalp as we kissed.

“Get out of my fucking mind, Jay,” I muttered in irritation as I rinsed the shampoo from my hair. “I don’t want you in here!”
I yelped as I banged my elbow sharply on the tap handle and held it against me, swearing under my breath. Another thing to blame Jay for - *everything* was his fault! I was sure I had bruises on my back too, from where he had pushed me against the wall in the alley, the bricks digging into my back. I turned and tried to look over my shoulder, being glad that no one could see me as I twisted around like an idiot.
Obviously I couldn’t see anything seeing as the majority of the aches and pains were higher up on my back - but I felt better for trying to look.

I stood under the streaming water for a moment, blinding myself with the water before searching for the taps. Shutting the water off, I stepped out of the shower. My skin stung a bit and I was sure it was bright pink and sans the top layer, but I was most definitely clean. I don’t think I had ever been this clean before, even when I was a kid receiving a scrub in the tub by mum. Fumbling for the towels, I swore when I couldn’t find them, the water in my eyes effectively blinding me. Eventually one was handed to me and I wrapped it around my waist before searching for the other, which was also handed to me and wrapped it around my shoulders, using the corner to dry my eyes.

Hang on...

Handed to me...

I backed up mentally and thought about that for a moment before peeking over the corner of the towel. Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck!

Jay sat on the side of the bath, looking back at me expressionlessly - not impassive, just expressionless. I know there doesn’t seem to be much of a difference between those two words, but if you had have seen Jay then, you would know what I meant.

What the fuck was he here for? Or, more to the point, how long had he been sitting there? Had he seen me jerk myself off, his name on my lips? An embarrassed flush flooded my cheeks.

“What are you doing here?” the words came out colder than I intended. He gave a tiny, one-shouldered shrug, glancing away. “How long-“ my voice cracked and I cleared my throat, starting again. “How long have you been here?” Again he gave that tiny shrug. “Christ Jay, if you’re not going to talk to me then why the fuck are you here?” I exclaimed angrily.

He swallowed and licked his lips nervously. “I want to - I just wanted to say...I’m sorry,” he said quietly, looking down at his hands.

I froze before slowly sinking to the floor cross-legged, making sure the towel around my waist was secure. I began to dry my torso, pondering his words. He was sorry? Sorry for everything - or just for being a prick to me out in the alleyway? I towelled my hair enough to let me put my shirt on without wetting it and pulled it over my body. Once I was half dressed I glanced back up at Jay. There was something fragile about him...fragile like sugar-spun glass.
“What are you sorry for?” I asked.

He met my gaze and again I could see that incredible fear in his hazel eyes. What did Jay have to be fearful of? “I’m sorry for everything,” he whispered, once again looking at his hands. “For hurting you. For every single time I’ve hurt you Mir. I’m sorry for it all.”

I stared at him. This was totally puzzling. What had brought on this change of heart? I stood and began to dry my legs off, unashamedly half-naked before him. I glanced at him again, and his eyes were on my face. I held his gaze the entire time, right up until I pulled my jeans on and buttoned them. His eyes never once left mine. “I don’t have anything to say to you, Jay,” I said finally, breaking the silence. “What is there that I *can* say?”

He sighed and shrugged, looking at the floor. He was looking so vulnerable again that my heart just went out to him. But I didn’t want him to know that. I didn’t want him to hurt me even more in the place where *I* was most vulnerable to *him*. I picked up the towels and began to hang them on the rail and as I hung the second one I felt Jay’s hand slide around my inner thigh, just above my knee, and hissed a sharp breath. What was he doing?

He pulled me over to stand between his long, lanky, out-stretched legs, his head on a level with my hip. He sat on the edge of the bath, which was sunken into the floor slightly. We weren’t going to use it, except for last night when we’d held the little in-room piss-up we have every time we have a free day the next day, Ryan had decided it would be an excellent idea to have a beer bath. Needless to say it was a very messy incident and left the bathroom with the tangy scent of beer. It was as funny as all fuck though.

Jay looked up at me, his hand still around my leg. “I don’t *know* what you can say to me, Amir. I know I want you to say that you understand, that you forgive me for being an asshole to you for so long, but I’ll understand too, if you can’t say it. I don’t deserve it. I treated you like a whore and I feel fucking awful for doing it. *I’m* the one who is the whore - not you, *never* you. You’re far worthier of more than the way I treat you.”

I looked down at him, my eyebrows going skyward as I realised there were tears shimmering, jewel-like in his eyes. Involuntarily I reached out and stroked the loose strands of his hair off his face, his hair as silky soft and his skin as smooth and warm as I remembered. “Jay...” I paused, trying to gather my thoughts. He looked up at me in unblinking silence. “Jay, what are you so scared of?”
I felt him tense and look away. I dropped to my knees so that I was kneeling between his legs and reached out to cup his face in my hands, turning it back to mine. The tears had spilt over and were slowly, silently trickling down his cheeks. “Come on, we’ll go somewhere away from here and talk,” I said softly, swiping his tears away with my thumbs. He nodded slowly and I stood, helping him to his feet and unconsciously failing to release his hand as I padded barefoot out into the bedroom we shared with him following along silently.

8. Secret Fears

The small coffee shop was almost full with lunchtime patrons. The air was filled with the sound of cutlery on crockery, the rustle of newspapers and quiet conversation as people leaned over their meals to converse with their companions. This quiet noise was occasionally punctuated by laughter or some other loud noise.

We sat in one of the booths up the back of the café. Jay sat across from me, studying the dark stained tabletop between his hands intently. He hadn’t said more than three words to me since we had arrived here.

“Are you going to order anything?” I asked him. “Jay? Earth to Jay?” He looked up inquiringly as if he had only just heard me. “I said, are you going to order anything?”

He sighed and shook his head, once again looking at the tabletop.

“Jay,” I said his name gently, reaching out to rest my fingertips against the back of his fingers, stroking lightly. “You have to eat something. How about a sandwich or something like that, hey?”

He shrugged maddeningly. “I guess.” I got the feeling he was agreeing simply to shut me up and I really don’t think I was too far wrong with that estimate either. I pressed his fingers gently then withdrew my hand only to have him snare it in both of his, caressing my fingers.

I looked at him intently. His face was turned down as he looked at our hands. He was looking vulnerable again, fragile, I realised, with his too pale skin and bruised eyes. This wasn’t the Jay that had treated me so shockingly this morning, nor the one who had confronted me in the alley earlier today. There was no vibrancy to him - he looked like he would shatter into a million, irreparable pieces at any moment.

“You’se ready to order?” the waitress interrupted my musing in a laconic voice. Withdrawing my hand from Jay’s I immediately disliked her, if only because she had interrupted us - stupid, I know, when we weren’t even talking. I placed my order, eventually placing Jay’s too when he refused to look up from the tabletop, just shaking his head. Thankfully the waitress disappeared as quickly as she had come.

Again I reached across the table, this time with both hands to take Jay’s chill hands in mine. “Are you going to tell me why the fear, Jay?”

He bit his lip. “You wouldn’t understand,” he said in a voice so low I could barely hear him. He didn’t raise his gaze from the tabletop between our hands. I could see that not having his persona shell to retreat into was distressing him intensely. I had been right - he *did* use it to protect himself. I wondered why he couldn’t retreat to it now - it was like something had changed in him now with me. He didn’t have that defence - I had somehow managed to strip him bare and the fact that I was wielding this much unknown power over him scared me a bit.
I wasn’t afraid to admit it - I was scared of what I could do to *this* Jay - the real Jay I had longed to have for so long. *Why* did I have so much control over him?

“Try me,” I said gently. “You might be surprised by just what I *do* understand.”

When he spoke next it was in a faltering voice. “I’m scared...because - because you said you love me.”

I stared at him in puzzlement. “How - how can that scare you? I’m not asking for you to love me back-“

“But I do,” he blurted, his eyes wide.

I sat back in my seat, stunned and speechless. He loved me? How the hell was this possible?

“I love you Mir and I’m so scared,” he said feverishly. “I’m scared of so much - of loving you and you loving me back...I don’t want to get hurt by love again Mir...I don’t think I’d be able to get over it this time...especially not - not with you. I’m scared of letting myself become too attached to you - to anyone - because I know you’ll leave me...it always happens...I’m scared to let anyone get close enough to hurt me because they *will* - I know it.” Tears spilt down his cheeks.

“Oh Jay.” I hadn’t realised he even had a problem like this. He never before struck me as someone who would fear anything. The fearless Jay Gordon...no wonder he relied so heavily on that arrogant, superstar persona to protect him - unless you could see through it like I had...how could anyone love someone like that? But *why* was he so scared? Who had scarred him so deeply that he thought he had to be that person? A deep surge of anger at this unnamed person filled me. I wanted to hurt *them* for hurting my Jay. *My* Jay?

I moved and slid into the seat next to him, wrapping my arms around his shaking body tightly. “I’ll never hurt you Jay, *never*,” I whispered, kissing his temple. “I love you.”

He looked at me with his pained, beautiful and haunted eyes. “Love hurts sometimes Mir, hurts you so deeply you wish you could die...you *try* to die. I can’t risk love again...I’m too scared of what could happen this time - to me and everyone I care about.”

I didn’t understand. “But you said you love me - surely that means you’ve risked-“

He laughed softly, bitterly. “Why do you think I hurt you like I do, Mir? If I hurt you first...God, it makes me so fucking *sick*. The fear - it’s like stage fright, only a hundred times worse...”

“But I love you, Jay,” I repeated. “I’ll never hurt you.”

He dropped his gaze from mine. “If I had a dollar for every time I heard that...I can’t risk it Mir. Especially not with *you*.”

I recoiled at his words. “Well, I can’t help it, Jay. I can’t just turn off what I feel for you. Hell, it’s not easy loving you in the first place, but now I do...do you expect me to be able to just turn it off like it’s a fucking tap?” My voice rose with my agitation.

He drew away from me into the corner of the booth, his back against the wall, drawing his feet up in front of him, his knees against his chest to form a physical barrier between us. He looked me in the eye. “If it’s not easy then why bother making the effort?”

I was hurt deeply even though I fought not to let it show. I didn’t know what the fuck was going on inside that head of his - and come to think of it, I wasn’t sure if I *wanted* to know. All I wanted was to be able to love him. Was that too much to ask?
Did he really expect me to be able to stop, just because he said so? I knew it was unnatural enough as is, this love I had for him as another man, but I was *not* going to let him destroy it - not like this. It may have been unnatural what I felt for him, but it was unlike anything I had ever felt for anyone before and I desperately wanted to hold onto it. Hold onto *him*.
And since he said he loved me too...I was going to do everything in my power to make him realise that I cared far, *far* too much for him to ever hurt him...like he hurt me...

I turned back to the table as the waitress clunked our plates down, considered thanking her and then changed my mind. The bitch was still as dislikeable as ever as she noisily chewed her gum. Seasoning my pasta I sighed. “I do and *will* bother making the effort because I think you’re worth every single bit of my effort. I *know* you’re worth it.”

“But I don’t want you to!” he burst out. “I never asked for this - never asked to have *anyone* love me again! Why do you think I act like I do? No one in their right mind would love an asshole like me!”

I ate my pasta in silence. I couldn’t meet his gaze - see the pain in his wild, hazel eyes - and know that someone had scarred him this terribly and not be able to do a damn thing about it. Instead I pushed his plate towards him. “Eat your sandwich,” I ordered.

“It’s not my sandwich,” he said automatically. “You ordered it.”

“I ordered it for you. You need to eat *real* food, Jay. You’re nothing but skin and bone. Now eat the sandwich.”

I could feel his sullen gaze boring into the side of my head as out of the corner of my eye I saw a slender hand reach out to daintily - though some would say fastidiously - pick up half of the sandwich. There was a long pause before he said my name in a small voice and I glanced at him. I could only see his eyes with the way he was sitting, the rest of his face concealed by his hands. “Are you angry with me?” His eyes were anxious.

“No love, why would I be angry with you?” I asked gently, my eyebrow raised questioningly. Hurt yes, but angry? Never.

He broke my gaze. “I wish it didn’t have to come to this,” he said softly. “But you have to understand *why* I’m doing this, Amir. I just can’t risk it. And...and I don’t want to hurt you either. So it’s for you own good too.”
*My* own good? He didn’t want to hurt *me*? Well he was doing a fair job of it by rejecting me out of hand. He was acting like this because he was scared and trying to stave off the inevitable - *I* knew that he was already hurting by having to do this in the first place - a blind man could see that. And as with anything like this, his hurt was my hurt. And *that* was why I wasn’t going to let him go without a fight.

“Jay.” I turned to him, taking the barely touched sandwich from his hands and replacing it back on the plate before taking both of his hands in mine. To do this I had to reach around his bent legs and so I deliberately leant against his shins, my chin resting on his knee. A look of panic flickered through his eyes at my proximity - he wasn’t in control here and it terrified him.
“Jay, love,” I spoke gently, rubbing my cheek against his knee. “I don’t care what you say, I’m not going to give what I feel for you up without a fight...the same as I’m not going to give *you* up without a fight.”

Tears filled his eyes at my words. Tears of what, I didn’t know. “Oh Amir, please don’t,” he choked, shaking his head and trying to jerk his hands from my secure grasp. “It hurts, Mir,” he wept. “It hurts me...” He succeeded in freeing his hands from mine and ripped at his sleeves. He held out his hands to me, palm up. “Look Mir, *look*! *This* is what happens when people love me. *This* is what happens when I hurt!”

Two jagged white scars, three inches long adorned the insides of his wrists. I gasped and took hold of his wrists, sweeping my thumbs over the scars. Why the hell hadn’t I noticed this before? Did the others know? How come I didn’t *know*?

My voice trembled when I next spoke. “I don’t...I don’t know who hurt you enough to make you do that to yourself - know what they did to make you think that was the only option Jay, but I swear I’m gonna make you realise that I will *never* hurt you,” I vowed, leaning forward to press my lips against each scar and at the touch of my lips he gave a shaky sigh.

“You don’t understand, Mir,” he said in an anguished voice. “*You* can hurt me more than anyone. I already love you too much as is...”

“You can never love someone too much Jay. It’s not possible. Haven’t I proved, by still loving you after all the shit you’ve done to me, that I would do anything for you? Don’t give it away Jay, *take* what I’m offering you. It’s like nothing I’ve ever felt before...we could have something amazing - we could have *forever* if you would just let me *love* you.” I knew it sounded clichéd, but it was true.

He glanced away, his lip caught between his teeth, tears glittering on his eyelashes. With a sigh, knowing he was going to fight me every step of the way, I turned back to my now-cold pasta. “Now eat your sandwich,” I ordered.

9. Stage Fright

I wandered into Jay’s dressing room, already feeling the yet-to-be-played beats in my blood. I was totally pumped and ready to hit the stage, and this last half-hour seemed to drag like an eternity. Bobby, Ryan and Paige were chilling out in the company of a case and I wondered briefly what it would be like if Ryan was to step out on stage stone cold sober one night. No doubt the world would come to a very sticky end, I thought with a laugh.

“Jay?”

The singer sat in the chair in front of the mirror, staring at his reflection with dull, apathetic eyes, his eyeliner held limply in his fingers. He had completed putting his make-up on - putting on the mask as I thought of it - and the way he was sitting there so still made him look like a robot. His lifelessness was almost scary.

“Jay, dude what’s up?”

“Huh?” he looked at me, his eyes disoriented. I wonder suddenly if he had taken anything - drugs or shit like that. I’d fucking kill him if he had.

“Are you okay?” I frowned at him.

He swallowed and placed the eyeliner on the bench in front of him, shaking his head. “I can’t do it, Amir.”

“Do what?” I moved to stand beside him, my back to the mirror as I leant against the bench, my arms folded over my chest.

“Go out on stage. I’m fucking petrified,” he spat angrily. It was obvious that his anger was self-directed so it didn’t raise my hackles.

“Why should you be?” I said, puzzled. “You never have been before.”

“I know,” he bit his lip. “It’s weird...it’s like - like I can’t find...*him*. You know, the one you call the *other*. That’s how I am out on stage and I just don’t think I can go out there like this. I don’t know what the fuck you’ve done to me Mir, but I *can’t* go out there like this!” his voice rose sharply.

So you blame me, huh? Looking at him as he was now I *did* wish for the other arrogant, cock-sure version of Jay. He would never be scared of something as base as flaunting that beautiful, sinful body in front of a screaming horde of fans. That other Jay was as much a part of Jay as anything - *I* certainly hadn’t done anything for him to lose that part. “You’ll be fine Jay, you’ll see. As soon as you step on the stage you’ll be fine. Trust me.” I smiled encouragingly at him.

I knew what I had to do, but I didn’t know how to go about it. I had to bring Jay back to center and try to help him find a balance between...between his two halves. Make him whole.
I moved slowly, walking around behind him and trailed my fingers across his shoulders, feeling the delicious warmth of his body heat through the thin material of his shirt that clung to him like a second skin. “You’re so tense,” I murmured, an impish - and *very* erotic - thought popping into my head. “I’ll give you a massage, ‘kay? I know you’ll feel better once you’ve relaxed a bit...”

He just looked at me with those wide, hazel eyes and I reached out to touch his smooth cheek. Moving swiftly I straddled his legs, pulling my body tight against his. He gave a gasp of surprise that I felt through his abdomen against mine, my arms twined around his neck. As I pressed my lips to his I ground my hips down on him, feeling his body harden appreciably. I tasted his moan with my tongue as much as I tasted the lipstick that frosted his perfect mouth.

I rubbed against him, knowing he would be able to feel my own erection as it pressed against him, before shuffling back slightly. My mouth still locked on his, my fingers delved between our bodies to deftly unbutton his pants. As I slowly pulled down his zipper he dragged his mouth away from mine, panting harshly. “We don’t have time, Mir,” he panted.

“Nonsense,” I said, leaning forward to laving my tongue over the pulse point on his neck, feeling the fluttering of his pulse under his skin as my hands now teasingly played with the zippered edges of his pants, the metal teeth sharp against my sensitive fingertips. He wasn’t wearing underwear - he never did on stage - and he shifted his hips under my hands, agitated. “We’ve got plenty of time.” I reached back and snared my strawberry-scented body lotion that Jay always stole and smeared a liberal amount on my hands. “Now, about that massage...” I purred, taking hold of his silky, hot shaft and stroking gently with my slippery hands.

At my touch he groaned, spearing his long, slender fingers through my hair and crushed his mouth to mine. I pulled myself closer to him, the stimulation of my hands stroking his cock against my own creating an intense friction.
Then his hands were on mine, stilling my strokes as he murmured huskily, “No more Mir - I wanna come inside you. I wanna fuck you.” I felt his fingers brush teasingly against my aching cock through the nylon of my pants as he unlaced them with practiced hands and buried my face against his neck, already panting in anticipation. I couldn’t give a fuck how long it was until we had to walk out on that stage, all I cared about was Jay, the feel of his hands stroking my erection and his hot, wet mouth nuzzling my neck. He intoxicated me.

“You’re gonna have to stand up Mir so I can get your pants out of the way,” he continued in that same husky, sexy voice. I leapt from his lap and jerked my pants off myself. Jay gave a low laugh that rippled over my body like water. I was so aroused and hot for him I was sure I was going to spontaneously combust. “Come here,” he purred, guiding me back onto his lap.

“Ahh...fuck, Jay...” I moaned, pressing against his body and burying my face against his neck again as I felt him slip first one, and then two lotion slick fingers inside me. Still moaning incoherently and nuzzling the sweet skin of his neck I rocked my hips against his hand, light-headed with pleasure and the scent of strawberries. But it wasn’t enough. I wanted *more*. “I want you Jay...” Surely that pleading voice wasn’t mine? “I want you in me...” He had me so needy that if I wasn’t so desperate for him I think I would have been embarrassed. But with the feel of his slick fingers being replaced by the head of his cock penetrating me with an excruciating slowness, all rational thought fled.

I grunted and pushed down on him, moaning at his largeness before dragging his face back to mine with my hands on either side of his face. He mumbled something incoherently against my mouth, his hands sliding down my body to cup my ass, holding me securely against him. I let out a gasp of surprise as he lurched forward, still buried deep within me, and wrapped my arms around him tightly.
I gave a startled yelp amidst the clatter of falling items.

“What?” Worry parted the glaze of passion in his eyes. “I didn’t hurt you, did I?” he asked as he touched my face anxiously.

I shook my head and a silly grin broke across my face. “The bench...it’s cold...that’s all...” I panted as I slid my hands under his shirt, wrapping my legs around him tightly to pull him deeper. Needless to say, the bench didn’t stay cold for very long.

Jay gave a breathless laugh that quickly turned into a moan as I rocked against him. His mouth sought out mine again, his tongue stroking my tongue even as his hand drifted between our bodies to grasp my cock firmly. I felt the pressure of the mirror against my bruised shoulder blades as a tender pain intensifying the pleasure as Jay thrust into me, his cock pushing deep inside me then withdrawing teasingly then slamming back in, his hand wrapped around my cock, pumping firmly in time with his thrusts.

I was helpless in the face of the sensations that were rolling over me. All I could do was whimper my pleasure, clinging to Jay’s shoulders with my hands, his mouth with my lips. Under the sweat-sticky skin of his back I could feel the firmness of his muscles surging with each thrust.
“Oh fuck Jay, oh *fuck*, I’m gonna...I’m gon - oh Jesus fucking *Christ*, Jay...” My words dissolved into an unintelligible cry as, under the skilled manipulation of his hand, I came hard. The roughness of the tissues he used to collect my spill against the over-sensitised skin of my cock sent quivers through me even as Jay continued to thrust into me.

He shifted within me and I let out a gasp of stunned surprise, grabbing hold of him tightly. Jay flashed me an unsteady grin as his thrusts grew more erratic. “Right there, huh?” he panted and I nodded blindly. Right *there* was a fucking understatement...
Each time he hilted himself within my body I felt shock waves of intense pleasure rock me - it was like I hadn’t just came, that was how intense it was.
He slammed into me one last time, stiffening in my arms, crying my name loudly. He’d barely relaxed before he held me tightly against him, stepping back to slump into the chair, his cock still within me.

The feel of his chest heaving, his sweat-damp cheek against mine, the way his arms cradled me...I purred in total happiness, snuggling in closer as his hands stroked my back.
“No, don’t bring me down,” I whimpered. “Please Jay...” My body was still singing...I felt amazing.

He pulled away from me, his hazel eyes glowing and his mouth swollen from kisses, all traces of his lipstick gone - he looked so beautiful and sated...and *I* had done this to him. The *real* him. “Amir, if you could see yourself...I need to bring you down, honey - just a little bit. You’re flying too high.”

“Nononooo...please no, Jay...just for the gig-“

His eyes suddenly widened. “Fuck!”

I snuggled against him again, cutting a glance at the wall clock through eyes still glazed with lust. “No mind - we’ve still got-“ Was the big hand pointing to the five or the six? “-five minutes...”

Five minutes later we were tidied up, our clothes straightened and Jay was touching up his make-up. Okay, to be completely truthful, he was re-applying it. I must have got the taste for making him looked mussed...Lord knows as I watched him re-frost his lips I wanted to taste *them* again.

“Amir! You haven’t even fixed yourself up!” Jay exclaimed.

I gave a one-shouldered shrug, trailing my fingers down his arm teasingly. “I want *you* to do it,” I said playfully. Since Jay hadn’t had the time to bring me down to earth I was still very much in the mood, flying higher than the sun.

“Mir-“

“Please?” I looked at him pleadingly and reached out to caress his cheek. He gave in with a sigh of good-natured resignation. I boosted myself back up onto the bench, which, as we had discovered earlier, was at a perfect height for a *lot* of things. He stepped between my legs and I took the opportunity to wrap my legs around his, hooking my heels behind his thighs, his slender hips caught firmly between my knees.

“Amir,” he said my name in an amusedly scolding tone and I looked at him innocently. He moved quickly, touching up my face with his own make-up, something he wouldn’t normally ever do. Looking at his face, so full of concentration, I felt even more love for him than ever. I loved him so completely - I’d never loved anyone like this before. Just being in his presence made me feel whole...imagine how he could make me feel if he would just let me love him...
If only he could know what was *in* me then he would *know* I wouldn’t hurt him.

“There. All done,” he grinned. “Dude, you look so fucking *fine* in my colours...”

I caught a reassuring glimpse of the dominating Jay in the possessive tone of his remark - and I didn’t even think he *knew* he was being possessive. At least I had relaxed him. I opened my mouth to speak as he lifted me down off the bench and set me on my feet, dropping a brief kiss on my open lips, effectively preventing me from speaking. Did he know what I wanted to say to him? He then spoke, “Come on, the others will be wondering what has happened to us.”

10. A Dream Reality

I woke up groggily and winced at the bright sunlight that filtered in through the gap between the curtains and fell across my face. I should *not* have drunk as much as I did last night - I was paying for it now. I flung a hand out, searching across the expanse of the mattress for Jay. Had he come to bed last night?
When my hand encountered nothing but more empty bed I sighed bitterly. To be truthful I didn’t blame him. If he had done to me what I had done to him...I knew *I* wouldn’t have shared a bed with him.

I thought back to last night, to what happened after we left the dressing room. I had been absolutely buzzing and took advantage of that fact to happily molest him whenever and wherever possible - not that the arrogant bastard was complaining, of course.

As soon as we had landed in the company of the others it was like nothing had changed within him, he was relaxed enough to slip back into the groove, and the show went off without a hitch. I had been a little disappointed that he didn’t drop out of character even once on the stage and started to worry that maybe I had dome too much and put him back to the way he had been permanently. God, I hoped not - I didn’t want to have this arrogant, sly and vain Jay forever. After the show it certainly seemed like we were going to be stuck with him like that. He was whoring all over Paige - who, I have to admit, looked a little surprised - and playing up to Ryan and Bobby like he always did, inviting them to threesome with those lazy, sexy eyes.
I have to admit that I was as jealous as all fuck at the sight of his lanky frame draped over the bassist as he nuzzled Paige’s neck. I didn’t know who I was more angry at...Jay for deliberately fucking with my mind like this - trying to hurt me again - or Paige, who knew something was up with Jay and me - hell, the bastard had walked in on us fucking only yesterday morning!

So it was no wonder that I had stalked out of there, snatching up a bottle of bourbon on the way past with one hand, my cigarettes with the other. I didn’t *need* this - I didn’t need Jay fucking with me like this. So most of the rest of my evening was spent sitting outside, alone, on the step near the rear door getting totally wasted.
I say ‘most’, because it was until Jay decided he would drag Paige out with him and annoy the living fuck out of me.

The singer was off his face on a cocktail of alcohol and drugs - an evil combination with Jay at the best of times - but when combined with this I’ve-got-the-devil-within-me-and-I’m-not-afraid-to-show-it attitude it became down right lethal.

“Oh look, it’s the wet blanket,” I heard him drawl as the heavy metal door was pushed roughly open, slamming back against the brick wall with a metallic boom, causing me to cringe at the noise. “C’mon Paige, c’mere...”
I turned slightly to see Jay drag Paige out behind him. The bassist’s eyes were unfocussed, and he was giggling and leaning against Jay’s shoulder. Resolutely I turned forward again. I did not *want*, nor need, to see this. But Jay proceeded to pull Paige down the steps after him so that they were standing in front of me, draping himself all over the bassist. “What’s wrong Mir?” he sneered. “Paige, darling, I don’t think Amir wants us here.”

“H-hello Mir,” Paige slurred, blinking at me. “How’re you th-th-this fine ev’nin’?” I don’t think he knew what was going on. Certainly when he was in this state he was in the fact that Jay was using him to hurt me was far beyond his grasp. I was privately amazed that he could even stand - swaying as he was - much less form a coherent sentence.

I ignored them both, swigging from the bottle I held in my hand, grimacing at the sensation of straight bourbon burning a path to my stomach. “Speak to him Mir,” Jay snarled suddenly. “Don’t be such a bastard.”

I glared at him, fighting not to let the alcohol speak. I wasn’t going to give him *that* satisfaction.

Jay nuzzled Paige’s jaw and my mouth tightened. He was *far* too close to the bassist’s mouth for my liking. And then he did it - he kissed Paige. Fully, not just teasingly - I mean, this was a full on pash on the fucking lips, their arms going around each other tightly, Jay’s hand twining through Paige’s hair. With tears of anger burning in my eyes, I looked down at the ground - I couldn’t watch this. Jay...you fucking asshole I swear if I had a choice in this I would hate you so much...

“Jealous hey, Mirmir?” I heard Jay jeer at me in a singsong tone.

I couldn’t help it. He had gone way too far. “Fuck you, Gordon! You should be ashamed of yourself, using Paige like this. That poor bastard doesn’t know what the fuck is going on much less the fact that you’re just using him to hurt me!”

“Hurt you?” he gave a mocking laugh. “I don’t need to use Paige to hurt *you* Mir.”

“Oh?” my tone was chill.

Jay let go of the swaying bassist and stepped forward, leaning down to look me in the eye. “I know you want me - even now, when I’m being an asshole to you, you want me. You want me to take you and fuck you until you *bleed*. I know you jerked off in the shower yesterday, imagining it was me. I *saw* you Mir…every little moan was all because you were imagining it was me. Admit it, Mir. Even now, when I’m talking to you like this you want me to fuck you ‘til you scream. Right here, right now. It won’t mean shit to me but I know you’ll convince yourself that you love me still, even after I leave you here, you’ll convince yourself that I think of you more than just a pushover fucktoy who is only here for my pleasure. And face it Mir - without me you’d be nothing.”
He reached out and slowly dragged his fingers down my cheek and at that frozen touch I felt my skin crawl. But he was right - even as he spoke to me I wanted him. He knew me.

“No!” I spat, slapping his hand away from my face hard. “I *don’t* want you Jay! Not like this! You don’t realise how much of a bastard you really are when you start acting like this - poor fucking Paige - what tricks did you give him to lure him out here? Paige isn’t stupid enough to play with your shit - what did you *do* to him?”

“Paige is fine,” he stepped back, laughing. “He’s just drunk, that’s all.”

“Bullshit he’s drunk. What did you give him?” I stood up and glared at the singer. Poor Paige was barely able to stand, much less be able to follow the conversation.

“Wh-whassup?” he mumbled, blinking owlishly and tottering towards the singer. It was obvious he was seeing multiple Jays as he reached out a wavering hand to steady himself. Jay giggled - a high-pitched, mad-sounding noise.

I leapt to my feel to support the bassist as his knees buckled, glaring at Jay who smirked in return. I itched to wipe the smirk of Jay’s face as I helped Paige sit down on the step, moving the bottle of bourbon out of his reach as he lunged for it.

“Aw, look, it’s Mother Mirmir...” Jay sneered and I balled my hands into fists, praying he wouldn’t push me any further. I didn’t know how much more of his crap I could take - I was at the end of my tether as was. “Are you going to take him home to tuck him in and kiss him goodnight too, hmm?”

That was it, no fucking more! I shot to my feet, glaring at him. “Will you just shut the fuck up!” I hissed.

He leered down at me before turning and taking several steps away. He looked back over his shoulder at me coyly before winking flirtatiously. “Make me,” he dared, turning to face me, his stance challenging. “Make me shut up Mir, and then I’ll give you the fuck you want.”

It was so stupid of me to let him get under my skin so easily, and even stupider than that were my actions following that. What I did then could very well have killed him or even put him in hospital, that was how stupid it was. With a cry of anger I stooped, picked up the half-empty bottle of bourbon and flung it at him forcefully all in one movement.

Nine times out of ten a missile like that coming from my hand when I was in the state I was in now would have missed him by at *least* five metres. Unfortunately this must have been the one out of ten lucky throw.

The bottle struck him on the right shoulder, hard, with the sound of splintering glass. He let out a grunt of pain as he reeled back, his hand going to his shoulder. “Fuck!” he exclaimed, clutching his shoulder. “Fucking *hell*!” Stunned, he looked at his hands. Even from here I could see the blood on his fingers.

I stared at him in horror. What had I done?! “Jay-“ I took a step towards him.

He stared at me with wide eyes. “Don’t come near me Amir,” he said in a shocked voice. His face was so pale in the darkness. I could see the blood and bourbon staining his immaculate white shirt.

“Jay, I’m sorry,” I said, appalled at my actions, as I stepped forward again, my hands held out to him in supplication. “I didn’t - I never meant to-“

“Don’t!” he exclaimed, backing away, one hand over the wound on his shoulder, the other held out to halt me. “Just - just don’t...” He turned and stalked off into the darkness. I suddenly felt dizzy, and my legs buckled, dropping me heavily to my knees on the concrete. What had I done? What had I *done*?