Sundered Faith, Part One (1/2)

[elfhawk]

First arc. But feel free to call me on any mistakes still left, I am totally okay with someone else's proofing. Provided all of your sentences use 'bless your heart.'

Updated 12/06/11

Comments

[carmenwoods]

"seen any evacuees in passing" works great, yar.

Perhaps, "horrified at the accident that had caused/generated/granted/whatever"? Or, meh, it can does work anyway - Carmen just doesn't think elegant sentences.

And tossing the "we've been over this" in from Athena there would make it work much better, yay!

---
Additions!! I'm so happy!

“That worries me,” Odette said. Mantha flitted on silent wings after the girl.
("glided" would be more owl-like, but that's just me being damn picky, and I should be ignored. Though you do use "flitted" a second time a bit down the page.
Also though, how about "after the elf", or any other descriptor? I never came up with a good way to mention it, but you use "girl(s)" and "wom(e)n" so interchangeably throughout. I do want to say that I rather think the group should be "women" more often. They're seasoned adventurers, yo! Of course, feel free to mark this down as another place where I'm being damn picky and warrant ignoring.)

“Not many,” Athena said, opening her eyes back up. “I could not give you numbers, but I know what a live city feels like. And this place does not have it.”
("Not many" is a bit of a non sequitur after the intervening conversation. Maybe toss a "people" or such in there? And "does not have it" would work better if she'd said something more like, "I know the feel of a live city", since as it is, the "it" doesn't have a subject (such as "feel") to link back to. Course, jumpy sentences could also be the indicator of a jumpy Athena, so yeah.)

They unburdened her load. It had been weeks since they had had any fresh fruit, even ones that would be as weak as these.
(Weak? As in, not really fresh anymore?)

Good thing they're hard apples, or they might already have goon bad.”
(hee hee)

“What now?”
(This line comes a little abruptly, if that makes any sense. Not really a big deal overall, but it might could use an indication of the speaker.)