Sundered Faith, Part One (1/2)
First arc. But feel free to call me on any mistakes still left, I am totally okay with someone else's proofing. Provided all of your sentences use 'bless your heart.'
Updated 12/06/11
( Improper use of ancient siege technology, go. )
Updated 12/06/11
( Improper use of ancient siege technology, go. )
This clarify things better: "..while my folding spell skips kilometres, we would have still have seen any evacuees in passing.”
That's Carmen speaking. She boycotts -ing words. I had getting there way back in the first draft before I went back for voice changes.
Putting more stuff in with the Sheela section, check back once I prod LJ into working. (I'm a little annoyed by how long they've been having problems.)
Petra really is that amazing with languages, provided she has the need/interest in picking one up. (Admittedly, two months with sailors leaves vocab a bit spotty. And colorful.)
I thought Athena needed something there. Foreshadowing!
That sentence was even clunkier my first go-through with it, but that's the best I could manage to whittle it down to. I'd prefer to keep origin there, as a sort-of buildup to how Carmen isn't dependent on Odette's spell anymore.
More flavor text. I think of it as quiet bonding time. Also, helps prep for all the walking/fighting/fleeing-for-their-lives they do every day. (Carmen and Petra probably see it that way, anyway. The others see it do it more for meditative purposes.) And Carmen would be totally hardcore about it, while everyone else would try to flake out of it every once in awhile.
Weird typos are weird.
Strikes me as more an addictive habit the girls are trying to get her out of. But love works there as well.
Petra's complaining. Maybe toss 'quit whining, we've been over this before' at the beginning of Athena's thing?
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Perhaps, "horrified at the accident that had caused/generated/granted/whatever"? Or, meh, it can does work anyway - Carmen just doesn't think elegant sentences.
And tossing the "we've been over this" in from Athena there would make it work much better, yay!
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Additions!! I'm so happy!
“That worries me,” Odette said. Mantha flitted on silent wings after the girl.
("glided" would be more owl-like, but that's just me being damn picky, and I should be ignored. Though you do use "flitted" a second time a bit down the page.
Also though, how about "after the elf", or any other descriptor? I never came up with a good way to mention it, but you use "girl(s)" and "wom(e)n" so interchangeably throughout. I do want to say that I rather think the group should be "women" more often. They're seasoned adventurers, yo! Of course, feel free to mark this down as another place where I'm being damn picky and warrant ignoring.)
“Not many,” Athena said, opening her eyes back up. “I could not give you numbers, but I know what a live city feels like. And this place does not have it.”
("Not many" is a bit of a non sequitur after the intervening conversation. Maybe toss a "people" or such in there? And "does not have it" would work better if she'd said something more like, "I know the feel of a live city", since as it is, the "it" doesn't have a subject (such as "feel") to link back to. Course, jumpy sentences could also be the indicator of a jumpy Athena, so yeah.)
They unburdened her load. It had been weeks since they had had any fresh fruit, even ones that would be as weak as these.
(Weak? As in, not really fresh anymore?)
Good thing they're hard apples, or they might already have goon bad.”
(hee hee)
“What now?”
(This line comes a little abruptly, if that makes any sense. Not really a big deal overall, but it might could use an indication of the speaker.)
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“We have discussed this before,” Athena said, give Petra an annoyed look.
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