Sundered Faith, Part One (1/2)

[elfhawk]

First arc. But feel free to call me on any mistakes still left, I am totally okay with someone else's proofing. Provided all of your sentences use 'bless your heart.'

Updated 12/06/11

Comments

[carmenwoods]

I love the explanation for the Comprehend Languages bit, and I had a good chuckle over Odette's attempt to target Carmen with a personal spell. XD And, I really enjoy that everyone has some sympathy for the trolls rather than just viewing them as monsters deserving of slaughter, typical hack-and-slash gaming notwithstanding.

And I'm figuring it's safe to proofread entries you've updated this week here, rather than older entries you may have already corrected in your main document. I'll still list what I see when I get to 'em.

==

“’Tis no famine or wars or even brigands.
("It is" no famine? Or is it meant to highlight foreign accents? Or hah, is it just Carmen and sometimes Athena being rustic? Baha, okay then. (It doesn't seem to show up in the prologue any though.))

She took out one of the rocks on the bottom, tossing it lightly away.

Odette agreed. “Give Therrin and I me some time to work out routes for you,

before dashing down the street to the house near the Isador festival wall sculpture where they had set up shop in for the time being.

She sat amidst a forest of diagrams(period)

[elfhawk]

Odette's mishap also set up the reason why Carmen has night vision. Go me.

Sympathy for the trolls? ... I totally meant to do that. (Okay, no I didn't, but I think monsters being evil for evil's sake is silly. They want to eat you because they're carnivores and hungry. If you spoke trollish, or whatever, they wouldn't because that would be just monstrous. Never be able to converse with your dinner.)

The rustic-speak isn't noticable (noticeable? Bleh) in the prologue because neither of them speak much. Carmen's seriously woodsy and gets her 'to be' forms messed up occasionally, doesn't use gerunds mcuh, and squishes lots of 'it+verb's into one contraction. Athena doesn't do it quite so often, being taught by more intellectual types, but it's there as well. The second part it'll happen more often because the people around them are the same lazy way with their words and they'll mimic it to better blend in. Carmen also tends to colorful metaphors. I do mean colorful and not curses. She's the one who kept calling Khoresbar a sinking ship on fire.

I tried to give all of them minor differences in ways of speaking to help with characterization (also to tell them apart when I get tired of saying their names and don't want every conversation going 'she said ... other she said'). Tae and Odette skip out on contractions (although if Tae's panicky, she falls back to the contractions she learned as a child before being taught at the temple) and Petra's horribly informal and hard to shut up once she gets going.

[carmenwoods]

I began to suspect that's what was up halfway through my grammar nazi post, and decided to leave the whole thing as a monument to my creakingly slow thought process. Silly Carmen.

Yeah, making characters have their own distinct speech is very hard for me to do, and I always like when it happens in other people's work. (Like, I love Sea of Insanity to bits, but everyone except Ophelia and lobotomized-Isle have pretty much the same level of articulate snark. I love the articulate snark, of course, but sometimes you wouldn't be able to tell who's speaking without the drawings right there.)