crisis temporarily averted
Last night I had a small existential crisis along the lines of "why am I here?" Not on earth, mind you, but in graduate school. I had a late night text conversation with one of my friends and my side went something along the lines of:
"I spent most of the day wondering what the hell I'm doing with my life. I'm not doing anything vaguely important or influential in any sphere of existence. Why am I bothering with an MA? I felt so sure I wanted a PhD. What the hell would I do with it? What's the point? No one cares anymore. They'll care even less in five years. Why should I?"
I remembered part way through this morning that I really would love to teach, and I still hold out hope for those students that end up in college because they truly want to be here, like I did, and are not just here to grab a degree and go. Maybe I'll never change the world and maybe no one will ever read or care about the articles I write. But I love literature of all kinds and I want to write about it. If I could meet Neil Gaiman someday and tell him he influenced my academic career, that'd be pretty cool. I once had really high hopes of being a creative writer, and I still do sometimes but I'd rather do that strictly for fun. Besides, I have commitment issues with my fiction and even my poetry.
Now and again I still think of dropping out and joining/forming a gypsy band. Maybe after my PhD. That's Dr. Gypsy to you.
In other news, I'm working on completing my first work of fandom-based fiction in six years. It's 2500 words at the moment, and I'm kind of really proud that I wrote it at all. Much thanks to lobsterclaaaws who 1) urged me to write it in the first place and 2) has been my cheerleader. I need encouragement. At least I know this about myself.
"I spent most of the day wondering what the hell I'm doing with my life. I'm not doing anything vaguely important or influential in any sphere of existence. Why am I bothering with an MA? I felt so sure I wanted a PhD. What the hell would I do with it? What's the point? No one cares anymore. They'll care even less in five years. Why should I?"
I remembered part way through this morning that I really would love to teach, and I still hold out hope for those students that end up in college because they truly want to be here, like I did, and are not just here to grab a degree and go. Maybe I'll never change the world and maybe no one will ever read or care about the articles I write. But I love literature of all kinds and I want to write about it. If I could meet Neil Gaiman someday and tell him he influenced my academic career, that'd be pretty cool. I once had really high hopes of being a creative writer, and I still do sometimes but I'd rather do that strictly for fun. Besides, I have commitment issues with my fiction and even my poetry.
Now and again I still think of dropping out and joining/forming a gypsy band. Maybe after my PhD. That's Dr. Gypsy to you.
In other news, I'm working on completing my first work of fandom-based fiction in six years. It's 2500 words at the moment, and I'm kind of really proud that I wrote it at all. Much thanks to lobsterclaaaws who 1) urged me to write it in the first place and 2) has been my cheerleader. I need encouragement. At least I know this about myself.