On punishing
Punishment is not a common event in our relationship. As we've said in the past, elf is only punished when I'm displeased by something she's done *and* I would have had her do something different if I'd had the chance to tell her. This means there are no punishments for impossible circumstances. There is no punishment for taking the choice I'd have made, even if she contradicts previous orders. If she can correctly read my mind, that is rewarded.
Like many subs, elf is very upset by hurting me. Probably more upset by my pain than most any punishment I'd give her. So generally punishments serve to provide resolution so that we can put the event behind us. At times it helps me work out my pain. Often I will make the punishment a writing assignment in order for us to both better understand what happened and how to prevent it in the future.
There's a question left though. When is it appropriate for me to hand out that punishment? I don't mean when has she done something deserving punishment - the introduction makes that decision clear. I mean, how soon after the hurt do I decide on a penitence and what needs to be done before making the decision?
We have an agreement which forms the bedrock of our relationship. Even more important and fundamental than our power dynamic, is our communication. We talk through EVERYTHING. If at all possible we talk it to death and then talk about how we communicated. It is this agreement and how well it works between us, even more than our amazing fit of style and needs, that makes me believe in a future. It is an agreement we insist on, and I enforce when needed, through everything.
So clearly, from a dynamic even more important than our ds, I'm going to listen to her side. But does that need to be before I give her a punishment? When should I listen first and when second? How does my reaction to the transgression affect the decision? What about her reaction? What about circumstances, such as when we'll have time to talk through it? And what if our communication is constrained to email, or IM, or the phone, due to distance and commitments?
I have a few opinions on the matter. First, by default we talk first with punishment later. If it's clear that she knows what hurt and why I'm more likely to get the punishment out of the way and deal with details later. If I'm angry enough that self-control is a challenge then I'm in no shape to punish and we'll talk first. From a recent mess I've learned that when distance is involved, it's wise to err on the side of talking first, as the opportunity to talk may otherwise get delayed, letting the punishment exacerbate the original problem rather than resolve it.
Sometimes my emotions are so knotted up that I have to -do- something before I can talk. That is a tricky situation. What I need to get my emotions in order, and what she needs to not feel her trust misused may be at odds. How do I make sure that I pick the right times to act first? And how do I make sure that decision can be trusted, even when used so rarely.
A year ago, certainly 15 months ago, I would always talk first and punish later. We simply did not have the trust, comfort, and history to do otherwise. But our relationship has changed, we know eachother better (and consequently less punishment), and we contine to strive for a dynamic closer to our desires than our comforts. Elf, I am taking the right to act first, to punish first, then talk. I promise to use that right sparingly, and to the best I'm able, wisely.
Like many subs, elf is very upset by hurting me. Probably more upset by my pain than most any punishment I'd give her. So generally punishments serve to provide resolution so that we can put the event behind us. At times it helps me work out my pain. Often I will make the punishment a writing assignment in order for us to both better understand what happened and how to prevent it in the future.
There's a question left though. When is it appropriate for me to hand out that punishment? I don't mean when has she done something deserving punishment - the introduction makes that decision clear. I mean, how soon after the hurt do I decide on a penitence and what needs to be done before making the decision?
We have an agreement which forms the bedrock of our relationship. Even more important and fundamental than our power dynamic, is our communication. We talk through EVERYTHING. If at all possible we talk it to death and then talk about how we communicated. It is this agreement and how well it works between us, even more than our amazing fit of style and needs, that makes me believe in a future. It is an agreement we insist on, and I enforce when needed, through everything.
So clearly, from a dynamic even more important than our ds, I'm going to listen to her side. But does that need to be before I give her a punishment? When should I listen first and when second? How does my reaction to the transgression affect the decision? What about her reaction? What about circumstances, such as when we'll have time to talk through it? And what if our communication is constrained to email, or IM, or the phone, due to distance and commitments?
I have a few opinions on the matter. First, by default we talk first with punishment later. If it's clear that she knows what hurt and why I'm more likely to get the punishment out of the way and deal with details later. If I'm angry enough that self-control is a challenge then I'm in no shape to punish and we'll talk first. From a recent mess I've learned that when distance is involved, it's wise to err on the side of talking first, as the opportunity to talk may otherwise get delayed, letting the punishment exacerbate the original problem rather than resolve it.
Sometimes my emotions are so knotted up that I have to -do- something before I can talk. That is a tricky situation. What I need to get my emotions in order, and what she needs to not feel her trust misused may be at odds. How do I make sure that I pick the right times to act first? And how do I make sure that decision can be trusted, even when used so rarely.
A year ago, certainly 15 months ago, I would always talk first and punish later. We simply did not have the trust, comfort, and history to do otherwise. But our relationship has changed, we know eachother better (and consequently less punishment), and we contine to strive for a dynamic closer to our desires than our comforts. Elf, I am taking the right to act first, to punish first, then talk. I promise to use that right sparingly, and to the best I'm able, wisely.