Realization
I've become incredibly anti-social. I used to be the kind of person who talked to everyone, now I just can't wait to be left completely alone. This even applies, to an extent, when I go out. I don't mind people approaching me to chat, but it's rare that I go up to them, even if I know them. I tend to just sit by myself and do my own thing.
Take right now for example: My best friend of 20 years, her parents (whom I love as though they were my own), and an old friend of theirs (that I actually like, great sense of humour) are all downstairs preparing a Thanksgiving dinner. Where am I? Completely separated from them on a different floor of the house. Why? I just don't want to be bothered. If I go downstairs, they'll expect me to visit, or sit and watch a movie, or be social in some way. I don't want to. I never want to.
It isn't just this one occasion either. It's become a regular habit. I just want to be alone all the time. Entirely alone. I've always been a recluse, ever since childhood. Even as a baby in my playpen. Throughout highschool, and now into adulthood. It's not that I hate or even dislike people, it's just that I like being by myself more.
Sure, I'll go down when dinner is ready. I'll eat with them like one big, happy family, and I'll chatter away like a child, or just listen intently to what everyone else has to say. But once the meal is finished and they're ready to retire to the living room to be a family group again ... I'll end up coming up here again. I'm distant. I'm closed off. And I have no desire to change that.
Is it .... disturbing?
Take right now for example: My best friend of 20 years, her parents (whom I love as though they were my own), and an old friend of theirs (that I actually like, great sense of humour) are all downstairs preparing a Thanksgiving dinner. Where am I? Completely separated from them on a different floor of the house. Why? I just don't want to be bothered. If I go downstairs, they'll expect me to visit, or sit and watch a movie, or be social in some way. I don't want to. I never want to.
It isn't just this one occasion either. It's become a regular habit. I just want to be alone all the time. Entirely alone. I've always been a recluse, ever since childhood. Even as a baby in my playpen. Throughout highschool, and now into adulthood. It's not that I hate or even dislike people, it's just that I like being by myself more.
Sure, I'll go down when dinner is ready. I'll eat with them like one big, happy family, and I'll chatter away like a child, or just listen intently to what everyone else has to say. But once the meal is finished and they're ready to retire to the living room to be a family group again ... I'll end up coming up here again. I'm distant. I'm closed off. And I have no desire to change that.
Is it .... disturbing?