You know what I'm sick of? Bullshit. I'm surrouned by it everywhere I go, every single day. And I'm tired of it. Tired of listening to it, tired of living with it, tired of putting up with it
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What frustrates me right now is that I can't think of a way to soften what needs to be said because I feel I'm being personally attacked for things that are not actually my responsibility. For those who read, I want to air my point of view.
I did the phone call I was supposed to make. I may not work two jobs right now, but I pay my rent and I pay my bills. I'm doing dishes today like I said. Most of the dishes were already clean if you'd bothered to look at the rack holding them all when you got home. If I'm not doing a satisfactory job, I will send back the sealeds you've been giving me in return for doing your dishes for a month. Personally I prefer having a load or so of dishes so it feels like worthwhile work. If you need something specific, please say so and I'll have it ready for you. Technically speaking, in the real world 10 dollars is worth about an hour and a half of work. I'm sorry about the meds because that was depression talking not getting me up to do anything. I did try getting them for you (albeit a little too late) and when I looked at the place where they should have been, they weren't there and then I had to go off to work. However, I am not sorry about not hopping to getting your milk or your fruitopia for you today based on your note from last night. I was not on grocery duty today and it is not my duty to do these requests. I was asked, but I never had any opportunity to say "Oh, I'm not doing that today because" or "I can't do that because..". I do these things because I want to help out and so I make the time to do so. I offer up the occasional treat and favour, but it should not be expected because I've done it before. I know I won't always have the money to whip out to buy something or pay for a bill early that you pay back later either. I don't know how much longer I can afford to do it.
Today, I was doing laundry so I have something clean to wear for graduation tomorrow. I was also going about buying bus tickets for my mother and finalizing plans for graduation and the rest of the week. It is not my responsibility to jump to it because my free time is during business hours. You wanted to work full time and have more money. It's not my fault that you don't have all the free time to take care of your own affairs or do everything you want to do.
So what should I do in order to give you more alone time? How should I step aside? I already go to work so you don't have to see me at night. I go do my daycare on Sunday when you're home so I you don't have to see me then either. I didn't change the time of your daycare job.
Message board on fridge ... useless.elf_childJune 7 2006, 01:53:14 UTC
So, you're telling me that you couldn't have taken a few seconds to write on the board that you weren't able to pick up the stuff for me? Nor could you have just made polite mention of it when I got home? This is completely out of the question, is it? I didn't expect you to do it. I asked you to. Big difference. You could have just said, "Sorry, Beth, I didn't have the time/money to get the juice and milk for you today." I don't know about you, but that sounds pretty simple to me.
As for the dishes, it's nice that they got done today, however don't try to make yourself sound so good here. I live with you. I have lived with you for three years. And it isn't at all uncommon for the dishes to go without being done for a week or more because you're 'not in the mood'. Certain of life's responsiblilities can't depend on 'mood' to get done.
Also, seeing as how you are home all day (I'm setting aside the two hours you spend playing DDR, as well as the few minutes you spend doing crunches) it'd be nice to also see the place swept once in awhile. I'm not asking you to tidy house everyday. I'm not asking you to be a housewife. However, I pay my half of the rent and bills too, and only have weekends to do anything whatsoever. There's nothing to stop you just once every couple weeks picking up a broom and dustpan and just doing a quick sweep.
As for the time away, you have friends, Liz. You do. I'm sure they wouldn't mind you occasionally visiting on a Saturday.
And one last point, not everything is a direct attack. Did you consider that this journal is for me to vent my frustrations. Why else would a person bother to keep a journal other than to remind themselves of things, jot down memories, or just relieve frustration. Before you jump back with retorts and defensiveness, you could've just waited to see what else might've been added to the journal, or just given me a couple days to cool off.
While we're at it, let's get out a couple more little truths, and a few facts.
The reason you wait to do your daycare so late has nothing to do with me. Or very little. You've told me yourself you don't like going in early. Point blank. You don't like to, you don't want to, so you don't.
And the facts are about the dishes, a reminder as well as just being informative:
- we had agreed within this past year that neither of us would use the others' dishes (plates, bowls, utensils, pans, pots, etc) - because Liz cleans my dishes, she feels it's her right and privilege to use my dishes - I'd be fine with her using my dishes, if I weren't paying her to wash them (by the way, most places only pay minimum wage)
In other words, if you use something that belongs to someone else, you voluntarily clean it. If you're 'hired' to do something for that person then the previously stated terms still apply. There wouldn't be half so many dishes in the sink to be washed if I was the only person using my stuff.
I'm not attacking you, Liz. I'm not jumping down your throat. I'm not trying to make you look bad. I'm just stating honest fact.
Regardless, I love you. I always have, I always will. I've been under a lot of stress, with no way to blow it off because I have no time to myself. Even when I have time off, I don't get to do what I want to do, only what I have to, and I don't even get to just be by myself to listen to music and just let it all out with no-one around to stop me or pay any attention to me. While I have no doubt you'll be looking for another job soon, that doesn't change the fact that right now you get all the time alone you could possibly want, while I'm stuck around people 14 hours per day, and at least six days per week.
I was planning to further update this particular entry after work tonight (when I had time!), but now I'm just too exhausted and just ... pff ... never mind. I'm going for my bath. Fuck it.
I did the phone call I was supposed to make. I may not work two jobs right now, but I pay my rent and I pay my bills. I'm doing dishes today like I said. Most of the dishes were already clean if you'd bothered to look at the rack holding them all when you got home. If I'm not doing a satisfactory job, I will send back the sealeds you've been giving me in return for doing your dishes for a month. Personally I prefer having a load or so of dishes so it feels like worthwhile work. If you need something specific, please say so and I'll have it ready for you. Technically speaking, in the real world 10 dollars is worth about an hour and a half of work. I'm sorry about the meds because that was depression talking not getting me up to do anything. I did try getting them for you (albeit a little too late) and when I looked at the place where they should have been, they weren't there and then I had to go off to work. However, I am not sorry about not hopping to getting your milk or your fruitopia for you today based on your note from last night. I was not on grocery duty today and it is not my duty to do these requests. I was asked, but I never had any opportunity to say "Oh, I'm not doing that today because" or "I can't do that because..". I do these things because I want to help out and so I make the time to do so. I offer up the occasional treat and favour, but it should not be expected because I've done it before. I know I won't always have the money to whip out to buy something or pay for a bill early that you pay back later either. I don't know how much longer I can afford to do it.
Today, I was doing laundry so I have something clean to wear for graduation tomorrow. I was also going about buying bus tickets for my mother and finalizing plans for graduation and the rest of the week. It is not my responsibility to jump to it because my free time is during business hours. You wanted to work full time and have more money. It's not my fault that you don't have all the free time to take care of your own affairs or do everything you want to do.
So what should I do in order to give you more alone time? How should I step aside? I already go to work so you don't have to see me at night. I go do my daycare on Sunday when you're home so I you don't have to see me then either. I didn't change the time of your daycare job.
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As for the dishes, it's nice that they got done today, however don't try to make yourself sound so good here. I live with you. I have lived with you for three years. And it isn't at all uncommon for the dishes to go without being done for a week or more because you're 'not in the mood'. Certain of life's responsiblilities can't depend on 'mood' to get done.
Also, seeing as how you are home all day (I'm setting aside the two hours you spend playing DDR, as well as the few minutes you spend doing crunches) it'd be nice to also see the place swept once in awhile. I'm not asking you to tidy house everyday. I'm not asking you to be a housewife. However, I pay my half of the rent and bills too, and only have weekends to do anything whatsoever. There's nothing to stop you just once every couple weeks picking up a broom and dustpan and just doing a quick sweep.
As for the time away, you have friends, Liz. You do. I'm sure they wouldn't mind you occasionally visiting on a Saturday.
And one last point, not everything is a direct attack. Did you consider that this journal is for me to vent my frustrations. Why else would a person bother to keep a journal other than to remind themselves of things, jot down memories, or just relieve frustration. Before you jump back with retorts and defensiveness, you could've just waited to see what else might've been added to the journal, or just given me a couple days to cool off.
While we're at it, let's get out a couple more little truths, and a few facts.
The reason you wait to do your daycare so late has nothing to do with me. Or very little. You've told me yourself you don't like going in early. Point blank. You don't like to, you don't want to, so you don't.
And the facts are about the dishes, a reminder as well as just being informative:
- we had agreed within this past year that neither of us would use the others' dishes (plates, bowls, utensils, pans, pots, etc)
- because Liz cleans my dishes, she feels it's her right and privilege to use my dishes
- I'd be fine with her using my dishes, if I weren't paying her to wash them (by the way, most places only pay minimum wage)
In other words, if you use something that belongs to someone else, you voluntarily clean it. If you're 'hired' to do something for that person then the previously stated terms still apply. There wouldn't be half so many dishes in the sink to be washed if I was the only person using my stuff.
I'm not attacking you, Liz. I'm not jumping down your throat. I'm not trying to make you look bad. I'm just stating honest fact.
Regardless, I love you. I always have, I always will. I've been under a lot of stress, with no way to blow it off because I have no time to myself. Even when I have time off, I don't get to do what I want to do, only what I have to, and I don't even get to just be by myself to listen to music and just let it all out with no-one around to stop me or pay any attention to me. While I have no doubt you'll be looking for another job soon, that doesn't change the fact that right now you get all the time alone you could possibly want, while I'm stuck around people 14 hours per day, and at least six days per week.
I was planning to further update this particular entry after work tonight (when I had time!), but now I'm just too exhausted and just ... pff ... never mind. I'm going for my bath. Fuck it.
Reply
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