(no subject)
I decided my problem is this: it's not so much that I hate being alone, it's that I'm terrified of making a mistake. I think too far ahead. I'm so concerned with 20years down the road that I can't concentrate on the here-and-now, because I'm afraid I'll lose important people forever. That's causing me to lose the here-and-now anyways! What happens if I "find" someone and down the road I learn it's not for me and it's too late? (the whole "it's never too late!" thing is complete bullshit and we all know it) What happens if I start dating someone and the someone I'm really supposed to be with disappears forever? I'm so afraid of settling that I'm letting it hamper my life. I remember crying my eyes out to Anthony one night waybackwhen telling him that my worst fear in the world was to settle for someone and live a life where I didn't feel alive. That when I died he'd find out I never really loved him I was just there to be there....and that I left everything to someone else. In the end the poor guy that got shafted thinks I'm a cold-hearted bitch when in fact I am just the opposite. I couldn't love every single one of you any more.
Do I sound like an idiot? Someone needs to take my phone away from me and get me really drunk in the middle of nowhere. And then we should shoot things. Inanimate things. And big bugs. And then I'd feel better for a month or so. What's wrong with me, people?????
I'm going to be that girl that is getting married and then two days beforehand calls it off and disappears with no explanation other than I just can't make myself do it. Not for me, not for him, not for mom or dad, not for family, and not for friends.
Seems I'm on the fastrack to being an old, ugly, bitch. Or an old, hot, slut. Either way, there'll be lots of whiskey.
Dear God,
Double-u tee eff, man?
Love,
J
Do I sound like an idiot? Someone needs to take my phone away from me and get me really drunk in the middle of nowhere. And then we should shoot things. Inanimate things. And big bugs. And then I'd feel better for a month or so. What's wrong with me, people?????
I'm going to be that girl that is getting married and then two days beforehand calls it off and disappears with no explanation other than I just can't make myself do it. Not for me, not for him, not for mom or dad, not for family, and not for friends.
Seems I'm on the fastrack to being an old, ugly, bitch. Or an old, hot, slut. Either way, there'll be lots of whiskey.
Dear God,
Double-u tee eff, man?
Love,
J