fic: everytime i look at you
title: everytime i look at you
rating: pg
pairings/characters: xabi alonso, steven gerrard, iker casillias
disclaimer: this story is complete fiction. especially the parts about law/being a lawyer and the univeristy structure/lifestyle in spain but especially the relationship between these footballers.
summary/note: can be read in conjunction with this. i won't say one is a sequel to the other, i would say it's more like they just exist together. i totally failed at coming up with an adequate summary.
when xabi alonso met iker casillas, it was not a revelation. it is, in fact, a memory that xabi often has difficulty trying to recall in great detail. one minute he was standing by the bar with mikel (even though they were far too young to drink) at one of the many fundraisers his parents frequently made him attend and the next (after mikel had abandoned him to dance with a girl he had spent all evening working up the nerve to approach) he was shaking hands with a serious looking boy who already looked like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders. the intensity of his gaze made xabi uncomfortable, he couldn't look him in the eyes. he remembered asking about his name and how iker had confirmed it's basque origins but said he himself was a madrileno. after an awkward silence, iker had asked if he was basque? xabi had fiddled with the sleeve of his shirt, stared at the points of his shoes and nodded yes.
later that night mikel had returned with a sparkle in his eyes and a flush in his cheeks. a little breathless he sat in the empty chair beside xabi and explained that out on the balcony, she had let him kiss her.
xabi twisted the tablecloth between his hands and asked how it made him feel.
mikel shrugged, suddenly looking tired. 'it made me feel', he trailed off. he curled and uncurled his hands like he was trying to get feeling back into them again. it was so distracting, xabi had wanted to reach over and squeeze both his hands shut with his own. so distracting, he almost missed the way mikel softly said, 'it just made me feel.'
*
their first real conversation happens after xabi enrolls into the same university iker already attends. they literally bump into each other outside a lecture hall on campus. iker's expression softens when he recognises xabi, while he marvels at how iker is exactly how he remembers him. they are both studying law and they do not shake hands but iker writes down his phone number in black ink across the pale skin of xabi's wrist.
despite his quiet and reserved nature, iker is someone that people tend to gravitate towards. and without realising it or even looking too closely to what it could mean, xabi finds himself spending much of what little free time he has with him.
sometimes it's at a small party in a mutual friend's apartment, sometimes it's in a local bar but usually they are in iker's dorm room, drinking beers and making fun of law procedurals on tv. iker's scathing sense of humor is something that can still catch xabi completely off guard. he remembers once, having laughed so hard he snorted lemonade up his nose.
the first night after their final exams of xabi's second year, they are lying on the floor because everything is spinning around too much, the tv just background noise now, they talk about their future, about what they want to achieve.
in the darkness, feeling young, invincible and a little bit drunk, iker confesses that he wants to save the world. xabi discovers that when he squints he can see iker's profile highlighted by the glow of the television screen. feeling pleasantly sleepy he says, 'you can. people will follow you anywhere.'
iker turns to him, presses a finger to his cheek and whispers, 'what about you?'
these are the moments xabi aches for, when this tiny room is their whole world and they are the only two people in it.
xabi bites his lip and nods.
*
xabi never tells iker he is gay, the same way Iker never tells xabi he is straight. but xabi soon learns that iker has a type, long dark hair, bee stung lips and female. always female.
*
the first day of his philosophy elective (iker had rolled his eyes but drank his juice without saying a word) the lecturer wants to start the lesson off with an open discussion. anyone was free to talk about whatever subject matter they desired.
the topics range from existentialism to reality tv and somewhere in between they talk about human nature. the lecturer, a tall thin man who's name xabi couldn't quite catch says, there are rational, intelligent people who play their cards close to their chest and then there are those who are willing to fold every time, able to forego winning as long as they don't risk losing what they have.
someone asks, 'what's the point of that?'
the lecturer nods and repeats, 'what is the point?'
this rouses a whole new discussion but xabi stays silent throughout. the next week, he drops the class and follows iker into international law. Iker just smiles and shares his notes.
*
a year before his graduation, (through a mutual friend) xabi meets luis garcia. they go out a couple of times, sleep together twice but decide that they are better off as friends. and it is he who introduces xabi to the idea of working abroad, of working in england.
'london?'
luis shakes his head, overrated he says. 'i was thinking a little further north. have you heard of a city called liverpool?'
xabi's fingers curl over the neck of his bottle. he says, 'the beatles.'
'yes', luis grins and leans so close xabi can smell the alcohol on his breath, 'the motherfucking beatles.'
*
iker, already a year into his internship, doesn't like the idea. he tells him that he will be wasting his time, there is already a position waiting for him in madrid. they could be together again. xabi tries not to flinch at the words as he shakes his head and tells iker he has already made up his mind. he has accepted an offer in liverpool. iker frowns and asks what england has that spain doesn't. xabi doesn't correct him, doesn't tell him the appeal is in what they don't have.
*
when they first meet, stevie shakes xabi's hand and cracks a joke that xabi doesn't understand. 'don't worry', he reassures, 'once you get used to my accent, you'll discover that i am quite hilarious.'
the corner of xabi's mouth twitches when he says (in stilted english), 'are you joking now?'
steven's sudden burst of laughter both surprises and pleases xabi.
'we're going to get along, you and me.'
xabi (still entirely too formal) says, 'yes, i anticipate a rewarding future together.'
when steven smiles, xabi feels strangely relieved.
*
the first time iker meets steven, xabi introduces him as his work colleague and iker as an old friend.
the conversations are limited to work, the weather, and football. sitting between them, xabi feels anxious, he wants them to get along but is already feeling like they won't. iker is polite but distant, his answers are short and impersonal. stevie is making more of an effort but even though his questions and ancedotes are directed to the both of them, he prefers to look at xabi.
when more of their colleagues finally join them, and xabi feels the tension ease somewhat, he goes to buy a round. iker follows him.
at the bar, after xabi relays the drinks iker says, 'this is not what i expected.'
'i told you it was colder here.' xabi replies as he reaches for his wallet.
iker puts out a hand to stop him, fingertips resting briefly on the back of his hand, before he pulls out a couple of notes from his pocket and pays the bartender. 'that's not what i meant.'
they wait at the bar in silence, iker's arm pressed up against xabi's.
*
usually, after the polite elevator ride down, they say their goodbyes outside of the building and then part ways but this time stevie reaches out and hooks his hand over the crook of xabi's elbow. he says, 'you've lived here for almost a year now. have you had a chance to experience this city yet? properly i mean, not at some dingy pub after work.'
unprepared and flustered, xabi blurts out, 'i've been to the docks.'
stevie tilts his head and asks, 'don't you live there?'
xabi's awkward silence says yes.
*
xabi sits down on the chair stevie has pulled out for him. he takes in the low light of the restaurant and how all the other diners are also in convenient pairs and says, 'this feels like a first date.'
'don't be silly', stevie scoffs walking towards his own chair. 'this is clearly our second.'
xabi raises an eyebrow.
'our first date was four months ago.' when xabi doesn't respond, stevie clarifies with, 'when we both stayed back working on that lampard case.'
after a moment of careful consideration xabi says, 'i don't think that really counts.'
'sure it does,' stevie insists with a nod of his head. 'we had chinese delivered. i even paid for it.'
'with the company credit card,' xabi adds.
'good memory for someone who didn't initially remember it.'
'i remembered it. just not as a date.' suddenly self conscious now, xabi says, 'i didn't realise this was a date.' he fiddles with his cufflink and stares at the wine bottle tucked between them.
'don't get shy on me now, nothing's changed.' stevie hesitates, 'except for the fact we're finally on the same page now.' he smiles, 'i hope.'
xabi looks into blue eyes, and feels.
*
The second time iker visits, xabi says, 'you remember stevie.' doesn't even realise he's touching stevie by the elbow, not until iker's gaze drops between them pointedly.
iker smiles politely, looks at xabi and says, 'of course.'
stevie can't stay for long at dinner, he has an important case to work on. he shakes iker's hand, turns to xabi, murmurs, 'i'll see you at home.' and kisses him softly on the cheek.
iker slowly sips his wine and after much delibration between the two of them, they order coffee and dessert.
they talk about their friends, alvaro and pepe, and how they are settling in here.
'you're seducing them all,' iker says with a half smile. loosening up now either because of the wine or the fact he could now speak freely in spanish.
xabi shakes his head and smiles, 'there is something about this place.'
they fall silent when the waiter brings them their espressos and a slice of chocolate cake.
outside the restaurant they hug. he feels iker's hand cup the back of his neck, pulling him closer he whispers, 'i think you're making a terrible mistake.' and just as suddenly he pulls away to flag down a taxi, doesn't look at xabi until he opens the door and says, 'probably shouldn't keep him waiting.'
xabi is stunned but doesn't ask what he means, doesn't dare. he can only look at iker and wonder how even after all this time, he still can't properly express himself to him.
all he can say is goodbye.
stevie is still awake, hunched over his desk when xabi gets home. xabi walks over and tries to ease the tension in his shoulders with a massage. stevie leans back and relaxes into his touch.
after a moment stevie says, 'he doesn't like me much, does he?'
anticipating this, xabi runs his fingers through stevie's hair and says, 'it just takes a while for him to warm to people.'
stevie tilts his head back, 'how long did it take for him to warm to you?'
framing his face with his hands, xabi says, 'years.'
stevie furrows his forehead and xabi kisses him good night.
*
'I think i'm going to stay here.'
a long pause and then, 'how much longer?'
when xabi doesn't reply, iker hangs up.
*
when they get out of the car, stevie turns to xabi and says, 'let's go for a walk.' they both have had long, draining days and xabi is exhausted but the the moon is out and the air is clear and crisp in a way it's never like in spain, and stevie (oh, stevie who is on the cusp of becoming the youngest partner in the firm's history) even with bags under his eyes still harbours an expression of such great contentment. (xabi cannot resist, he wants to live in this moment a little longer.) he agrees.
walking by the water, their hands brush against each other, stevie interlinks their fingers. he bumps their shoulders and says, 'how about some coffee?'
xabi doesn't think coffee at this time is a good idea but he can smell the faint aroma in the gentle breeze.
he starts to walk towards the enticing scent when stevie says, 'hold on, me shoelace is untied. but here, take this.' he reaches into the pocket of his trousers and gives xabi all his loose change as he kneels down. 'get me a-'
'latte with one sugar.'
stevie grins, 'that predictable huh?'
xabi smiles back, 'i just know what you want.' he steps toward the cafe and starts to count out stevie's handful of change when he notices a silver ring nestled between the coins. curious, he picks it up, turning it carefully around, under the artificial light of a nearby lamp. rationally, he thinks this is a strange thing for stevie to carry around in his pocket but inside his chest, his heart is thudding wildly. he turns around to see stevie down on one knee, watching xabi carefully.
'stevie...'
for a moment neither of them move.
'you're going to have to come closer for this to work properly', he says lightly.
xabi doesn't even realise he's walking towards stevie until he looks down and there he is.
stevie slowly reaches out to take xabi's outstretched hand and plucks the ring from his grasp. 'marry me,' he says.
'that doesn't sound like a question,' xabi whispers.
'it really isn't,' stevie agrees.
xabi looks at the man kneeling before him, remembers a tender first kiss outside his apartment, their first christmas together and stevie's disastrous attempt at roasting a turkey, his birthday in san sebastian, their trip to istanbul and-
and-
he says yes.
stevie, hesitant and hopeful says, 'yeah?'
xabi smiles feeling flushed and light headed, 'yeah.'
stevie turns xabi's hand over (the coins fall to the ground with a soft clatter) and gently kisses each knuckle before he slides the ring onto his finger.
'i was dead nervous this whole time', stevie admits when xabi pulls him back onto his feet, 'thought you might say no.' he can't stop smiling.
xabi takes stevie's hand and rests it on his chest, 'can you feel it?' he asks.
stevie looks at him and nods.
xabi closes his eyes and presses their foreheads together, with his breath ghosting across stevie's lips he says, 'how could i possibly say no?'