SGA Ficlet. Type. Thing. Please kill me now.
Okay, this is a) completely the fault of onthecontrary, who is evil, and b) really, really not the first SGA fic type thing I wanted to post. I hate myself so much. And I really fucking hate crossovers.
John: Hero by Day, Death Eater by Night*
When John disappeared for a few weeks, everyone was sure they were going to die. Rodney could tell by the grim faces in the mess, the weeping scientists who thought he wasn't looking, the scared Marines who held their guns a little tighter. Even Elizabeth was freaked, he could tell; after another failed search at the Genii homeworld, he heard her whisper, "Dammit, John, we need you here." Teyla and Ronon would run off together for hours at a time, but Rodney wasn't sure if it was because they were having sex or because they were busy searching for John in places too far for the Marines to reach. It was probably both.
Rodney himself was busy alternating between a complete mental collapse -- John was such a selfish prick, leaving him alone in a galaxy that was trying to kill him -- and trying to keep his hysterical underlings from blowing up the city.
Three weeks, six days, and twenty hours since the last time anyone had heard from Sheppard (and yes, Rodney was counting, and he refused to feel embarrassed about that), Rodney went back to his rooms to collapse and found John sitting on his bed, looking at the picture of Rodney's cat, Data.
"You're back," Rodney said stupidly.
"Hi," John answered.
He still looked, well, like John, with his big hair and his goofy ears and his black clothes, and Rodney was shaking with rage. Or maybe it was relief.
"'Hi'?" he echoed shrilly. "You've been gone for a month and all you can say is 'hi'? Where the hell have you been?"
He felt something horribly scathing rising in his throat like a scream, but John said sadly, "I got a message saying my brother died," and his anger mostly washed away.
"I didn't know you had a brother," Rodney said, instead of, "You motherfucker."
"It's been a while since we've talked," John said. He put the picture of Data down, and his face tightened. "He was murdered."
"Oh my God," Rodney said, and he sat on the bed and grabbed John's arm. "Did they catch who killed him?"
"Sort of." John did a funny thing with his eyebrows. "I have something really important to tell you."
"Okay," Rodney said.
"But you can't tell anyone."
"Okay," Rodney repeated, slower this time, wondering what was going on. Maybe Sheppard killed the guy who took down his brother. John had vengence issues. Out here, that was understandable, but back on Earth they had silly things like laws.
"Anyone, Rodney, got that?"
"Yes, yes, I'll sign away my first born, just tell me," he snapped.
John searched his face for a long moment, as if still uncertain, but then he said: "Okay. I'm a wizard."
Rodney stared. "I have something to tell you, too. I'm really the king of the mole people. It's time I thought you knew."
John huffed. "You know what? Nevermind. I'll just go back to looking for my brother's body. Alone. On really dangerous planets with lots of Wraith and... bad... people."
"You don't seriously expect me to believe this crap?" Rodney demanded. He couldn't believe John had left them for weeks just to go 'shrooming. "John, are you even hearing yourself?"
"My name isn't really John. I don't really have the ATA gene. And--" He pulled off the black wristband Rodney always thought was a little gay. Underneath he was hiding a tiny, faded tattoo of a skull eating a snake. "I used to be really, really evil."
"Oh my God," Rodney groaned. "You took an acid trip and got a tattoo? As if that isn't the worst idea ever!"
John glowered. "I didn't get this from an acid trip, I got it from killing a bunch of non-magical people." Then he looked guilty. "People like the ones I've been protecting here in Atlantis. I didn't mean to become a Death Eater. They just had the best parties. And now my brother's fallen through the Veil, which is, uh, sort of like a stargate, except magical, and he might be here, so I was thinking--"
"Well, that settles it," Rodney said. "Let's just call up the Genii and ask if they've seen your magical brother."
"You still don't believe me," John said, and he actually sounded hurt.
Rodney wasn't sure who he was going to kill first, John or himself. "Because there's no such thing as magic!" he hissed, clenching his fists tightly.
John said flatly, "We live in another galaxy populated by English-speaking humans and evil catfish vampires."
"So?!"
"You know what?" John sneered, climbing to his feet. He loomed over Rodney. "I'll just prove it to you." He took a long stick out of the back pocket of his pants and pointed it at the picture of Data. "Wingardium Leviosa."
It started to float.
Rodney may have made an embarrassing strangled noise. "How did you do that?"
"Magic," John said, grinning. "Duh."
* Title by queenofalostart
Podfic by reena_jenkins [ here!
John: Hero by Day, Death Eater by Night*
When John disappeared for a few weeks, everyone was sure they were going to die. Rodney could tell by the grim faces in the mess, the weeping scientists who thought he wasn't looking, the scared Marines who held their guns a little tighter. Even Elizabeth was freaked, he could tell; after another failed search at the Genii homeworld, he heard her whisper, "Dammit, John, we need you here." Teyla and Ronon would run off together for hours at a time, but Rodney wasn't sure if it was because they were having sex or because they were busy searching for John in places too far for the Marines to reach. It was probably both.
Rodney himself was busy alternating between a complete mental collapse -- John was such a selfish prick, leaving him alone in a galaxy that was trying to kill him -- and trying to keep his hysterical underlings from blowing up the city.
Three weeks, six days, and twenty hours since the last time anyone had heard from Sheppard (and yes, Rodney was counting, and he refused to feel embarrassed about that), Rodney went back to his rooms to collapse and found John sitting on his bed, looking at the picture of Rodney's cat, Data.
"You're back," Rodney said stupidly.
"Hi," John answered.
He still looked, well, like John, with his big hair and his goofy ears and his black clothes, and Rodney was shaking with rage. Or maybe it was relief.
"'Hi'?" he echoed shrilly. "You've been gone for a month and all you can say is 'hi'? Where the hell have you been?"
He felt something horribly scathing rising in his throat like a scream, but John said sadly, "I got a message saying my brother died," and his anger mostly washed away.
"I didn't know you had a brother," Rodney said, instead of, "You motherfucker."
"It's been a while since we've talked," John said. He put the picture of Data down, and his face tightened. "He was murdered."
"Oh my God," Rodney said, and he sat on the bed and grabbed John's arm. "Did they catch who killed him?"
"Sort of." John did a funny thing with his eyebrows. "I have something really important to tell you."
"Okay," Rodney said.
"But you can't tell anyone."
"Okay," Rodney repeated, slower this time, wondering what was going on. Maybe Sheppard killed the guy who took down his brother. John had vengence issues. Out here, that was understandable, but back on Earth they had silly things like laws.
"Anyone, Rodney, got that?"
"Yes, yes, I'll sign away my first born, just tell me," he snapped.
John searched his face for a long moment, as if still uncertain, but then he said: "Okay. I'm a wizard."
Rodney stared. "I have something to tell you, too. I'm really the king of the mole people. It's time I thought you knew."
John huffed. "You know what? Nevermind. I'll just go back to looking for my brother's body. Alone. On really dangerous planets with lots of Wraith and... bad... people."
"You don't seriously expect me to believe this crap?" Rodney demanded. He couldn't believe John had left them for weeks just to go 'shrooming. "John, are you even hearing yourself?"
"My name isn't really John. I don't really have the ATA gene. And--" He pulled off the black wristband Rodney always thought was a little gay. Underneath he was hiding a tiny, faded tattoo of a skull eating a snake. "I used to be really, really evil."
"Oh my God," Rodney groaned. "You took an acid trip and got a tattoo? As if that isn't the worst idea ever!"
John glowered. "I didn't get this from an acid trip, I got it from killing a bunch of non-magical people." Then he looked guilty. "People like the ones I've been protecting here in Atlantis. I didn't mean to become a Death Eater. They just had the best parties. And now my brother's fallen through the Veil, which is, uh, sort of like a stargate, except magical, and he might be here, so I was thinking--"
"Well, that settles it," Rodney said. "Let's just call up the Genii and ask if they've seen your magical brother."
"You still don't believe me," John said, and he actually sounded hurt.
Rodney wasn't sure who he was going to kill first, John or himself. "Because there's no such thing as magic!" he hissed, clenching his fists tightly.
John said flatly, "We live in another galaxy populated by English-speaking humans and evil catfish vampires."
"So?!"
"You know what?" John sneered, climbing to his feet. He loomed over Rodney. "I'll just prove it to you." He took a long stick out of the back pocket of his pants and pointed it at the picture of Data. "Wingardium Leviosa."
It started to float.
Rodney may have made an embarrassing strangled noise. "How did you do that?"
"Magic," John said, grinning. "Duh."
* Title by queenofalostart
Podfic by reena_jenkins [ here!