what in the world is my problem?
this has been the worst week in a long time. i have been on the verge of tears almost constantly since monday reared its ugly head. i feel completely incompetent and am freaking out about school beyond belief. i really can't afford the time to go to these concerts, but my life revolves around music, film, and chocolate covered espresso beans. school should be my top priority right now but it just isn't, which makes me feel incredibly guilty. i literally felt sick to my stomach earlier today thinking about everything that must be done before this semester is over.
i don't even know why i'm so particularly stressed and depressed this week, but everything just seems to be hitting me over the head at once. the final blow came today when my french professor switched my presentation day from today to thursday, the day i am seeing the strokes. i hope to goodness he will let me give it next tuesday.
also, the thought of moving back into my parents' house is weighing on my mind. i love my parents, but i cannot bear the thought of having to be under their overbearing thumbs for days at a time. i really need to get a job so i can move in with my lovely sam, but i am so busy with school and everything else right now that i don't think i even have time to go get applications until the end of next week. my interview at the new york deli was all right, but i doubt i'll be hired there because i don't have server experience and i'm awful at interviews.
and lastly, i think my extreme shyness is making quite an unwelcome reappearance. i have always been incredibly shy, i would even say that it sometimes borders on a panic disorder. i am unable to think when people i don't know speak to me and i am left standing there looking like a red-faced dunce, making it extremely difficult for me to ever make friends, or even casual acquaintances. i have never volunteered a single piece of information in a class since about fifth grade because i don't feel like my thoughts are worthy, and i am so afraid of derision, and when a teacher calls on me i am completely incapable of any form of coherent thought. for a while, i thought i was getting better, and while i was still shy, i was actually able to initiate conversations with a few select people, but last night i stayed up until about 4 in the morning because i was so nervous about my presentation that never happened, and i felt like i was going to vomit from the moment i woke up to the moment i found out i didn't have to present today.
i feel so stupid posting this, but i need to emote somewhere, and i don't feel comfortable expressing these feelings verbally. all of these negative feelings will probably be gone by tomorrow, and i'll come back from my trip poorer but much happier. after all, tomorrow is another day, as my good friend scarlett o'hara likes to say. here's hoping.
i don't even know why i'm so particularly stressed and depressed this week, but everything just seems to be hitting me over the head at once. the final blow came today when my french professor switched my presentation day from today to thursday, the day i am seeing the strokes. i hope to goodness he will let me give it next tuesday.
also, the thought of moving back into my parents' house is weighing on my mind. i love my parents, but i cannot bear the thought of having to be under their overbearing thumbs for days at a time. i really need to get a job so i can move in with my lovely sam, but i am so busy with school and everything else right now that i don't think i even have time to go get applications until the end of next week. my interview at the new york deli was all right, but i doubt i'll be hired there because i don't have server experience and i'm awful at interviews.
and lastly, i think my extreme shyness is making quite an unwelcome reappearance. i have always been incredibly shy, i would even say that it sometimes borders on a panic disorder. i am unable to think when people i don't know speak to me and i am left standing there looking like a red-faced dunce, making it extremely difficult for me to ever make friends, or even casual acquaintances. i have never volunteered a single piece of information in a class since about fifth grade because i don't feel like my thoughts are worthy, and i am so afraid of derision, and when a teacher calls on me i am completely incapable of any form of coherent thought. for a while, i thought i was getting better, and while i was still shy, i was actually able to initiate conversations with a few select people, but last night i stayed up until about 4 in the morning because i was so nervous about my presentation that never happened, and i felt like i was going to vomit from the moment i woke up to the moment i found out i didn't have to present today.
i feel so stupid posting this, but i need to emote somewhere, and i don't feel comfortable expressing these feelings verbally. all of these negative feelings will probably be gone by tomorrow, and i'll come back from my trip poorer but much happier. after all, tomorrow is another day, as my good friend scarlett o'hara likes to say. here's hoping.