Emotionality
Argh, what would be really awesome is if I could figure out exactly how I feel about this whole protracted arguement thing Florence and I have going on. I have two views on it. One is full of irritation at how shitty she makes me feel and how she keeps bringing up things I've done in the past and how she's so sensetive that she thinks everything I say to her is an insult. And this arguement is SO FUCKING LONG, it's been going on for like half a year and I'm dead sick of it. It's incredibly frusterating, and even though we've been basically fighting for such a long time, neither of us is getting anywhere. That part of me wants to never talk to her again, because it's making me mad as hell and really depressed, and I just can't deal with this long term love/hate bullshit.
And then there's the other part of me that feels guilty as fuck about not being a good friend, and hates giving shitty excuses, and trying but failing at being completely inoffensive. And that part of me wants to be friends like we were for the first three years, but then I can't wish for that after all, because apparently for the first three years I was just constantly hurting her feelings and not being aware of it.
My main question is, why did she put up with me that long? If I was such an asshole, and I'm not going to deny that I can be a total asshole sometimes, why didn't she just say "Fuck you" and leave before it got any more complicated? What could possibly motivate her to stay with such a shittty friend?
And I'm not saying this was all my fault. Like I said, she's really sensitive. Or maybe I'm really callous. Or maybe we're both too close to the issue...I'm just so tired of going around in circles. I want to be her friend, but I don't want to be friends with this needy person who's against me having close long distance relationships (WHY???). I want to be friends with the girl I thought I knew pretty well, and if that's not possible, then fuck it. I'm doing what she didn't do, I'm so sorry Florence but I have to get out. She doesn't seem to know how much this is fucking me up. And to be totally honest, I don't think I want her to know, because deep down inside I really do want to just slink off and be friends with other people. This is why I'm a shitty friend, because when the going gets too tough for too long, I leave. But I want to be friends again, but I don't, but I do...see what I mean? I'm so fucking confused about this that I can't even tell myself what to do. I really hate this. I want to give this friendship another chance, but I've been doing that whenever she'll talk to me and somehow we keep fucking it up. If we're this incompatible, isn't it better to just let things die quietly?
And of course this is all probably really awesome for Lacey. Sorry Lacey. I don't want you to have to take sides, I wish there was an easier way to work this out, some kind of clear cut answer that doesn't leave me feeling like the world's worst person no matter what I do. If I quit trying to be friends, I'm a terrible person who's abandoned one of her best friends. If I keep trying, I'm a fucking shmuck and I'm making us both miserable.
What the fuck, man, I spent half my high school life trying to avoid this kind of drama. And the thing is, this is literally one of the only things going wrong for me right now, this and the fact that I'm still (STILL!) failing math. But seriously, this arguement is casting a pall over my last few weeks of school, which, other than this, math, and a scary moment before I found out Lacey was okay, have been some of the best weeks of my life.
Fuck this, I've written an essay. I hate this so much.
And then there's the other part of me that feels guilty as fuck about not being a good friend, and hates giving shitty excuses, and trying but failing at being completely inoffensive. And that part of me wants to be friends like we were for the first three years, but then I can't wish for that after all, because apparently for the first three years I was just constantly hurting her feelings and not being aware of it.
My main question is, why did she put up with me that long? If I was such an asshole, and I'm not going to deny that I can be a total asshole sometimes, why didn't she just say "Fuck you" and leave before it got any more complicated? What could possibly motivate her to stay with such a shittty friend?
And I'm not saying this was all my fault. Like I said, she's really sensitive. Or maybe I'm really callous. Or maybe we're both too close to the issue...I'm just so tired of going around in circles. I want to be her friend, but I don't want to be friends with this needy person who's against me having close long distance relationships (WHY???). I want to be friends with the girl I thought I knew pretty well, and if that's not possible, then fuck it. I'm doing what she didn't do, I'm so sorry Florence but I have to get out. She doesn't seem to know how much this is fucking me up. And to be totally honest, I don't think I want her to know, because deep down inside I really do want to just slink off and be friends with other people. This is why I'm a shitty friend, because when the going gets too tough for too long, I leave. But I want to be friends again, but I don't, but I do...see what I mean? I'm so fucking confused about this that I can't even tell myself what to do. I really hate this. I want to give this friendship another chance, but I've been doing that whenever she'll talk to me and somehow we keep fucking it up. If we're this incompatible, isn't it better to just let things die quietly?
And of course this is all probably really awesome for Lacey. Sorry Lacey. I don't want you to have to take sides, I wish there was an easier way to work this out, some kind of clear cut answer that doesn't leave me feeling like the world's worst person no matter what I do. If I quit trying to be friends, I'm a terrible person who's abandoned one of her best friends. If I keep trying, I'm a fucking shmuck and I'm making us both miserable.
What the fuck, man, I spent half my high school life trying to avoid this kind of drama. And the thing is, this is literally one of the only things going wrong for me right now, this and the fact that I'm still (STILL!) failing math. But seriously, this arguement is casting a pall over my last few weeks of school, which, other than this, math, and a scary moment before I found out Lacey was okay, have been some of the best weeks of my life.
Fuck this, I've written an essay. I hate this so much.