(no subject)
i'm so fucking pissed that he fucking left me for her. of all the fucking little sluts he fucking picked her and he said that she's the fucking of person that he wants to marry and that i'm not. he said that part of why i'm not is cause i dont' want kids and that i don't like big dogs and that i hate half his music and that i'm too sex-driven and there was anothe reason btu i can't remember it but aren't those all such fucking bullshit excuses? i've been consdering have kids more an dmore when we were dating and if he wanted a big dog then fine we can get one as long as the damn thing is well behaved and hello? i fucking LOVE two of his biggest musical interests, and the third is really growing on me. and the ONLY band i have ever, to date, said i hate was dashboard. and yeah he listens to them but IT'S ONLY ONE FUCKNG BAND, GODAMMIT. one band != half his music. i can't fucking believe that he'd even fucking cite that as a reason he says i'm not the type he wants to marry. it's so fucking stupid that that would even be brought up like that and i'm so fucking piss that he left me for that little grovelling slutty piece of shit that some call a human being and that HE fucking calls his fiancee. and he's going to fucking get hurt and y'knwo what? i'll still fucking be there. I'LL STILL FUCKING BE THERE FOR HIM AND I'LL LISTEN TO HIM, I'LL FUCKING DO ANYTHING FOR HIM WHEN THAT HAPPENS. i will fucking kill anyone that hurts him and i love him more than i have ever loved anyone in my entire fucking life, INCLUDING the guy i lost my virginity to. and im' not the sort he wants to marry. just because i don't CURRENTLY want kids, and i don't CURRENTLY want a big dog when i grow up. jesus fucking christ, we're 18. we don't need to be fucking talking about babies and pets and houses and rent and shit. and oh yeah, his sixth reason was that i have commitment issues, and he used my not going to class as an example. WHAT THE FUCK. school is a little fucking different from a fucking goddamn relationship methinks. and he was all yeah what about when you get a job and DUH, THEY FUCKING PAY ME. there's a different. and i fucking know i had a shittiest semester, I'VE ALREADY FUCKING SAID NEXT ONE WILL BE BETTER AND I'M GOING TO FUCKING ATTEND MY CLASSES. what the fuck more do you want from me? every fucking single one of those was a bullshit reason for not wanting to marry me, save maybe the sex-driven one. MAYBE. not to mention that we're EIGHTEEN. NO ONE who dates when they're 18 actually ends up married; me and mickey didn't, me and kyle didn't, and y'know what? he and kelly won't either. i don't fucking care if he says they will and i dont' care if i trust him; they fucking won't. there is no way she is going to be able to stay faithful to him. i know he's all thinking that it's different and shit but what the fuck, she supposed loved torrey and cheated on her with NINE different guys. NINE. in something like FOUR MONTHS. and kyle believes she'll fucking stay faithful to her? yeah ooookay. you believe that. i may still be here when you get your heart broken, but i'm sure as fuck gonna be thinking "i told you so".
i'm still so fucking pissed that any of this happened, that he says he wants to MARRY HER. she's a fucking slut and even if she seems nice, she fucking tried to kiss him while we were dating. more than once. and he fucking told her that nothing would ever happen between them again and now that i think about it, that's a good fucking point and i need to bring it up to kyle and ask him what the fuck went on. but seriously, she's a fucking little slut and if she does ANYTHING that hurts him and if she EVER abuses his caring nature, i will fucking take her down. NO ONE does that to kyle. i'm already pissed enough at alyssa for being such a cunt to him, and i don't need to me super pissed at her, not that i'm not already but what the fuck ever.
eyah i'm pretty fucking angry right now because i just dont' fucking know and he lied to me abotu so much shit and he told me that nothing would happen between him and kelly and that i had nothing to worry about. and he fucking left me for that whore. after saying we would get married, after talking about how we'd live in stafford after school, and that we might spent on semester in cali our senior year, and how we were going to get a hotel room on new years, and we were going to stay at the hillside inn for a few nights on our honeymoon, and how we were also totally going to mackinac on our honeymoon... after talking about that, after falling madly in love and after being completely shocked at the connection, he fucking left me. he fucking left me for HER. he wants to fucking MARRY her. after i'd do anything for him, after i'd still do anything for him. and yeah maybe i was being mature about this earlier but what the fuck, there's only so much one person can fucking take and even if he never cheated on me and even if he ended it early enough that i'm not COMPLETELY destroyed, this fucking hurts and she should fucking pay because it's her fucking fault. if she had fucking told him that she liked him before he met me, i wouldn't have ever dated him and we'd all be happier. or maybe it's my fault, maybe it's my fault for not liking dogs or babies or going to class and maybe it's my fault because i like sex too much. and maybe it's my fault because he enjoyed it as much as i did and maybe it's my fault that he never once told me to stop and he never once showed that he didn't fucking love what was going on. and maybe it's my fault that i didn't pick up on the nonexistant brainwaves, maybe it's my fault that i never figured it out and maybe it's my fault that i didn't know you shouldn't date actors. and maybe it's my fault for falling too fast and maybe it's my fault for loving him so much and maybe it's my fault for thinking we could be happy and maybe it's my fault for not meaning it that one time and maybe it's my fault for thinking he's the most amazing fucking person i've ever met and maybe it's my fault for wanting to lose my virginity all over again to him. and maybe it's my fault that i still fully believed it could work, right up until 11pm, i thought it could fucking work, i thought we'd get back together and everything would be fucking happy and y'know maybe it's my fucking faul that he told me "we work better as friends" and that's the most horrible fucking thing to hear when you love someone with every last fucking inch of your being, when you love them so much you could die from it and when you love someone so much that you'd gladly commit murder to keep them happy. and he fucking said that to me and it fucking hurt so much and then he just kept talking and just kept admitting everything and that he lied and that he loved kelly and that he thinks he's going to be happy with her and that they ALREADY fucking discussed having sex and that he says that he should get checked first and what the fucking hell, we talked about it and he never said he should get checked and that makes me feel fucking awesome, that he never thought he should get checked for my sake but that he thought of it for that little slut's sake.
i don't even fucking know anymore. i fucking trusted him more than i've' ever trusted anyone, i trusted him more than i trusted mickey and he fucking goes and does this. and i know he did what he thought was best and all that fucking shit but that doesn't make it fucking hurt any less now. and i know i'm being fucking two faced but i dont' fuckng care anymore. it's such fucking bullshit and i can fucking make him happy, i fucking know i can, he just can't fucking see it and maybe he gave me fucking bullshit excuses for saying he doesn't want to marry me and MAYBE, just MAYBE he shouldn't've so fucking rashly told me he wanted to marry me.
and maybe it's the same with kelly, maybe he's just being fucking rash about it and maybe he'll live to regret it if they break up. and maybe they won't break up but he'll still fucking regret it, and if that happens i will fucking kill kelly because the ONLY reason he would stay with her if he werent' sure would be to make her happy so it'd fucking be her all, it'd be all her fucking fault, and it IS all her fucking fault for APPARENTLY being better than me. and what the fuck, he WANTS to marry someone who cheatd on her last gf with 9 different guys? he fucking WANTS to marry someone who will try to kiss someone just because she loves him, regardless of any relationship he has? he fucking WANTS to marry someone who's slept with probably more than 9 different guys? he wants that kind of fucking girl? you have got to be shitting me, that is NOT the kyle i know. the kyle i know wants a big family and a nice big dog and he wants to be happy and he doesn't want to be with 23948729384 girls if he can help it and he wants to get married and he wants to be committed and he just wants everyone to be happy. THIS DOES NOT MAKE EVERYONE HAPPY. and it's also not going to lead where he thinks it will, it jus can't, we're only teenagers and EVERY single high school couple that i know that got married ended HORRIBLY, or hasn't ended and is all the more horrible for it. my parents got married right out of high school and they fight CONSTANTLY. and my aunt was even worse, and i'm pretty sure she married right out of high school. and kyle and kelly aren't fucking going to last and jared can see it too but apparently kyle's too blinded by love again, and he's probably confused but he doesn't realise it, he's probably just having one of those times when he thinks he's sure of it but in reality he's not. i know him well enough to know that this could be that again, or he could just be acting on emotions and doing what i do and making rash decisions and if he is, he's going to fucking get hurt and it's going to fucking suck to see him get hurt by her, by that little slut that he calls his fiancee.
and it's so fucking obnoxious to even be engaged at this age. we're freshman in college; we're WAY too young to be engaged. way. you have no idea what you want and even if you think you do, SHE'S NOT FUCKING IT. she just isn't. she does not at all seem the type and at least jared can see what i mean even if fucking no one else can. and it fucking sucks, because i am ALONE. completely and entirely alone. not just temporarily alone like it was until 11pm. COMPLETELY. he's not mine and he probably never will and he was lying when he said we make better friends, he was ONLY saying it to make me feel better, and he only had those bullshit excuses to make me feel better and y'wanna know what? you wanna know fucking what? IT DIDN'T. it made me fucking feel worse because now i can tick off 6 reasons why he thinks kelly is better than me. six fucking reasons why i wasn't good enough and six fucking reasons why he left me. those six fucking reasons hurt worse than anything else he's ever said about him and her; worse than ANYTHING he's said EVER.
i can't fucking do this anymore; i give the fuck up.
Warning: The word "fuck" is said, in one form or another, 106 times in this rant. Yeah, I'm pissed. And for the statisically-minded, one out of about every tweny words is "fuck".