No means no. Even when you're disabled. Especially when you're disabled.

[elettaria]

Louise Mensch turns out to be quite the interesting read. In her recent Guardian article trashing intersectionality, she thoughtfully provided a link to her series on What Men Want. As expected, I found many of her viewpoints highly problematic. Much of it was about how women should mould themselves to men's desires. Now, I've seen this

Comments

[ext_1130803]

This is an excellent and thorough post - thank you.

I truly despair of Mensch's attitude here. It's bloody dangerous (and I would worry for her if I actually thought her sincere) but it's also terrifically insulting to disabled people and others, to both men and women. Having issues that restrict sexual activity in any context is not the same, not anything like the same, as rejecting a partner sexually. It's find to reject any partner for any reason - it really is - but a functional limitation isn't refusing sex any more than it might be refusing to work or refusing to walk. If I am physically incapable of making love (and the reality for both disabled people and those with trauma is usually that love-making becomes a much broader spectrum of activity, which may or may not involve genitals, orgasms etc.) that's not nearly the same as telling my husband, "I don't want you." It's more, "We can't have each other in that particular way."

But beyond issues of sex and consent, it is an actual 50% of disabled women who will experience domestic violence over their lifetime. And even if they are not sexually abused (although that's often part of the package), this dreadful situation rests on the idea that a proper woman will do X, Y and Z, and a man with a woman who fails at this is an unquestionable saint. It doesn't matter if it's sex, or the way we look, whether we can bear children, whether we can do housework or perform social roles, it's all the same. This makes disabled women feel that they fall short right from the outset, making them vulnerable to abusers (Nobody wants me - wow, this must be the one guy who wants me!) and then hands abusive men all manner of ammunition to control, bully and abuse their disabled partners for years to come.

(And of course, exactly the same applies to disabled men in relationships with women, and those of other genders and folk in same-gender relationships, but women in straight relationships are especially vulnerable because these messages are so dominant.)

I wrote a far sillier post about some of Mensch's related comments (though I hadn't seen all this stuff about sex - I'm rather glad I hadn't before now).

[elettaria]

Sorry for the late reply, I somehow missed it. Great comment, and great post! People, go and read that post! And thank you for articulating the whole problem around the concept of "I can't have sex tonight" being a rejection.