(no subject)
Not sure if I really have the heart to write, but I suppose I should get some things out. First - depressed. Alan has two days left here and I'm thinking he wants to spend that with his friends. I don't mean to sound resentful, but he's so different when he's around them. And yes, I'll be big and admit that I'm jealous, because I've never known such a relationship. As I told him, I went through life alone. There was no one there to hold my hand or help me through any of it. It was me and only me. And, I'm sorry, but that leaves me with little affection for friends. Maybe my mom's right. I think I am shallow and heartless.
When I was nine, the only man I ever loved was taken away from me. And now, nine years later, I fall in love and it happens again. That tears open old wounds like never before. I cry myself to sleep like my former nine year-old self and, even though I know it's useless, I never pray for anything else. And I'm afraid that the same results will occur - that I'll only see him once, twice if I'm lucky, a year. I can't lose him. And that's what I'm afraid will happen. I think my heart's being torn out, and I don't think he knows.
Something else that just occurred to me. No, won't write that here.
All for now. Too tired to write. And none of your damn comments. I have enough of my own.
When I was nine, the only man I ever loved was taken away from me. And now, nine years later, I fall in love and it happens again. That tears open old wounds like never before. I cry myself to sleep like my former nine year-old self and, even though I know it's useless, I never pray for anything else. And I'm afraid that the same results will occur - that I'll only see him once, twice if I'm lucky, a year. I can't lose him. And that's what I'm afraid will happen. I think my heart's being torn out, and I don't think he knows.
Something else that just occurred to me. No, won't write that here.
All for now. Too tired to write. And none of your damn comments. I have enough of my own.