(no subject)
I think I should actually do a proper post saying I've left this journal. If I go through the span of this journal, I come across locked entries that actually frighten me. Entries saying I wish I could empty my body of every scrap of food inside it, entries saying I want to bleed myself to death. Entries saying I'm disgusting, fat, guilty, going to pay for everything I've done. It's painful to even admit to myself how delusional I was at 17, thinking everything was okay and the scars wouldn't matter. Mind-fucks, guilt-trips, doomed love and so much hurt.
I'll admit right now - I'm not okay. I'm trying to be but I'm not there yet. But even at my absolute worst, I cannot and will not be that terrifying, lost girl again. When I go through the last few months of sinister_light and parts of elenestel, it's a reminder of why I have to stay sane. I have to be my own inspiration now, how sad is that? It's just...I need to seperate from who I used to be. I don't expect any of you to *want* to add my new journal, because that's how my self-esteem and self-worth is right now, but I feel it's only fair to give you lovelies the option. Especially the girls who have been with me since 2004. <333 If anyone wants the username, leave me a comment and I'll find an entry of yours and comment with it for you. The journal itself is completely open currently, but it isn't pretty. I'm hiding nothing there - I hide things from nearly everyone, so it's like a purging journal. Be prepared for heavy angst and rambles at times.
So. My last entry. How monumental. The only way this could be more poignant is if it was written on the 20th. Which means nothing to anyone but me. Time really has passed me by...
I'll admit right now - I'm not okay. I'm trying to be but I'm not there yet. But even at my absolute worst, I cannot and will not be that terrifying, lost girl again. When I go through the last few months of sinister_light and parts of elenestel, it's a reminder of why I have to stay sane. I have to be my own inspiration now, how sad is that? It's just...I need to seperate from who I used to be. I don't expect any of you to *want* to add my new journal, because that's how my self-esteem and self-worth is right now, but I feel it's only fair to give you lovelies the option. Especially the girls who have been with me since 2004. <333 If anyone wants the username, leave me a comment and I'll find an entry of yours and comment with it for you. The journal itself is completely open currently, but it isn't pretty. I'm hiding nothing there - I hide things from nearly everyone, so it's like a purging journal. Be prepared for heavy angst and rambles at times.
So. My last entry. How monumental. The only way this could be more poignant is if it was written on the 20th. Which means nothing to anyone but me. Time really has passed me by...