FIC: Joyless, NC-17, Fraser/Leoben
Title: Joyless
Author: Tara Keezer
Rating: NC-17
Fandoms: due South/Battlestar Galactica crossover
Notes: More of that BSG thing. 2,300 words that are set after Convergence, and before the events of History.
Warning: I’m nervous about this entry, because I’ve been noshing on it since January, and I’m not convinced it works. I also think I’ve been staring at it too long to have a reasonable opinion, so I leave it to you guys to tell me yay or nay. If it’s nay, I’ll make it private, and we’ll just pretend it never happened, okay? Okay.
Summary: Neither the past nor the present brings Fraser much joy.
~*~*~
Leoben wrapped himself around Fraser and rocked him as he rode out the vision. “I’m here. You’re not alone.”
“Christ!” Fraser stared into the horror that surrounded him. “They’re dead. They’re all dead.”
“No. Not yet. This is only a possibility.” Leoben tucked his face in close to Fraser’s. “I’ve seen the fire in my own dreams. I know God weeps at the thought of it.”
Sweat ran off Fraser’s face and body, but he was too lost in the vision to notice it. “How could you? How could you do that to them?”
“We have no choice, Benton, not right now.”
“There’s always -” Fraser stopped speaking when he saw the mangled and burned body of a child. “Make it stop!”
“Soon. The vision will end soon,” Leoben crooned. When Fraser began to struggle, Leoben tightened his hold. “Stay with me, Benton. You’ll hurt yourself if you run blindly.”
“Why are you doing this to me?”
“So you understand.”
~*~*~
Fraser regrets sitting for this initial meeting with Admiral Adama. He would much prefer to accept the other man’s judgment while standing, but he’s still too weak. Simply walking to this room sapped his energy to the point that he wishes he could lie down and sleep. Instead, he steels himself to focus while Adama skims a report.
“What ship were you on, Mr. Fraser?” Though Adama’s voice is kind, there’s no mistaking that this is an interrogation.
“A Cylon base ship,” he answers.
“Before that.” Adama is patient. “What ship were you on before the Cylons captured you?”
“I wasn’t on a ship.”
Fraser suddenly remembers that he has had this conversation with Adama several times before, though they’ve only just met. It’s just one more piece of evidence that chamalla does, indeed, cause the user to have prophetic experiences. He thinks this fresh vindication should make him feel better about the decisions he’s made; he knows it won’t.
“So you were taken before the Cylons destroyed the Colonies?” Adama’s pose is casual, and Fraser knows it’s a lie. He can see the tension in Adama’s jaw.
“No, sir. I was captured after that.” Though it’s tempting to cut to the chase and tell Adama everything, Fraser remembers what will happen. It’s safer to continue at this slow pace.
“You survived the initial attacks, then. Which world were you on?”
The question is slightly out of place. It’s two or three ahead of where Fraser remembers Adama should be, and worse still, Adama’s question isn’t specific to the Colonies. As much as Fraser wants to deflect, to delay his answer, he avoids doing just that. Fraser believes that giving Adama anything other than the truth at this point will only worsen the situation.
His mouth dry, he answers, “Earth.”
Adama doesn’t seem surprised, which is a relief. It means Fraser still has a chance.
~*~*~
Leoben, the second Leoben, always bathed him after a vision. Kept him close and held him. Eased him through the distress of finding himself back in the present, because it was always a shock. It was never pleasant to return to his body, no matter how awful the vision. Leoben told Fraser he understood and went through the motions of helping.
Fraser hated him for that kindness and consideration. The first Leoben was unpredictable and cruel at times, especially after the visions started, and it was simple for Fraser to remember his role as a prisoner. Not so with the second Leoben.
“Why are you doing this to me?” Fraser longed for the clean pain of a sharp blade. He thought that if nothing else, it would dispel the last vestiges of what he’d seen and allow him to think again.
“I see your part in God’s plan.” Leoben stroked Fraser’s chest and stomach. “He wants you to fulfill your destiny.”
“Is this the same god who ordered genocide?”
“Cylons aren’t perfect.” Leoben’s hand dipped lower. “We make mistakes.”
“How do you know I’m not one of them?”
“You’re not.”
~*~*~
Adama leans back slightly in his chair and gives Fraser what might pass for a smile under other circumstances. At the moment, it reminds Fraser of little more than an animal baring its teeth at him.
“I’m sure you’ll be happy to know we’re headed for Earth right now.”
Fraser’s gut tightens. “You are mistaken, sir.”
“Oh?”
This is going all wrong. Fraser remembers Adama getting angry with him right now, not sitting there as if they were discussing the weather. For a moment, Fraser is terrified. If this is wrong, what else is wrong? He takes a deep breath and reminds himself of certain facts that are set in stone, with or without chamalla to influence him. Those facts haven’t changed just because Adama isn’t angry.
Fraser takes another deep breath as he composes his response, taking care to avoid words and phrases which set Adama off in the visions. “The Cylons won’t permit the Colonial Fleet to approach Earth.”
“Why not?”
It’s clear now that Adama has already come to certain conclusions of his own. This is both a blessing and a curse, though on the whole, Fraser counts it as a blessing. It means he can stop relying so completely on his vision memories and start responding in the moment. With that particular shackle removed, Fraser relaxes. Whatever happens from this point forward, he no longer bears sole responsibility for the future.
“They believe the humans on Earth are redeemable.”
~*~*~
”It’s your choice, Benton,” Leoben said. “You always have a choice.”
Fraser went back to the beginning of the record and watched again as each of the twelve colonies was laid waste by countless nuclear strikes. He watched as a ticker estimated the number of dead both from the detonation and later from the fallout. He watched the space battle between humans and Cylons and swallowed back bile as the number of dead increased with the destruction of each human ship.
“My choice is between billions dead or tens of millions.”
“Better a hard choice than no choice at all.”
Leoben was wrong. It wasn’t a hard choice; it was a bitter choice.
~*~*~
“And we’re not, is that it?” Adama nods, as if getting confirmation of something he already knew. “What makes your people so special?”
“There are three major monotheistic religions on Earth, all related.”
“You no longer honor Zeus or Athena or any of the others?”
The recitation of names startles Fraser, even though he’s learned the basic dogma of Colonial religion. Leoben was nothing if not thorough in his tutorials.
Fraser says, “The Cylons believe their god is the same as the god of the Earth religions.”
“What do you believe?”
Fraser blinks, startled to hear a familiar question. He shakes off his sudden unease and answers, “I believe that as long as the Cylons are convinced they share a god with the humans of Earth, they won’t destroy my home.”
~*~*~
“Let’s get you cleaned up.” Leoben helped Fraser to the shower and bathed him with a tenderness that was galling. His mouth and body clean, Fraser was about to confront Leoben with the truth he’d learned in his latest visions, but instead, he started crying quietly.
Had he been a less honest man, he would have claimed his tears were for humanity. Had he been a less honest man, he would have pretended they were the result of emotional trauma. Had he been a less honest man, he would have ignored the truth behind the new vision of the future.
Fraser wasn’t less honest, though, so he grimly acknowledged that his tears were for himself, for the betrayal he was going to commit freely and voluntarily.
He wrapped his arms around Leoben’s waist and dropped his chin to Leoben’s shoulder. “You were right. I’ll help.”
~*~*~
An officer enters the room and speaks quietly to Adama. Fraser could listen, if he chose to, but he believes he has, at long last, finally developed the art of selective awareness. He will be told what he needs to know, when he needs to know it. To invite information before he needs it is pointless and, frankly, masochistic.
Adama looks up and says, “President Roslyn believes it is necessary for us to have a more formal discussion, Mr. Fraser. Until such time as that can be set up, you will be returned to the brig.”
Despite his resolution not to ask needless questions, Fraser finds himself asking, “Am I under arrest, sir?”
It’s clear that Adama didn’t expect the question.
~*~*~
Leoben was gentle - terrifyingly gentle. He held Fraser for an endless time, soothing him with quiet touches and calm reassurances. When Fraser’s tears slowed down at last, Leoben told him that one day, humanity would remember him as a hero and would honor him with a special place in history. The lie was too much, and rather than listen to another word, Fraser captured Leoben’s mouth in a hard kiss that was meant to punish Leoben as much as it was to silence him.
It was the first time Fraser had kissed one of the Leobens - he didn’t count the times the Leobens had kissed him - and he was grateful, so very grateful, that it was nothing at all like kissing Ray. Leoben’s mouth was as tasteless and bland as distilled water, despite the fact that he ate the same food that Fraser did. Ray’s mouth, he remembered, had always been a kaleidoscope of tastes ranging from pemmican to coffee to the occasional cigarette he didn’t think Fraser knew about. The differences heartened him. He could do this; he could have congress with this monster with Ray’s face, and he could keep his memories of Ray intact and uncorrupted.
Fraser clasped the back of Leoben’s head and angled it to the left; had he been kissing Ray, he would have angled the head to the right, and he reminded himself of that as his cock hardened. It didn’t care about the emotional nuances. It responded, because it had been without direct stimulation for far too long, and there was a warm, willing hand on it now. Fraser told himself that accepting this monster into his bed wasn’t a denial of what he felt for Ray. It was simply sealing a bargain in the only way Leoben and the other Cylons would accept.
~*~*~
“Let’s just say that for the moment, you’re in protective custody,” Adama says.
Fraser is slipping into old habits and patterns and can’t stop himself from asking, “Do I have need of legal counsel?”
Adama loses what little warmth he had for Fraser and asks, “What do you think?”
He pauses for a moment, considering his words. “I think that unless there is a public record of my status on board Galactica, it would be all too easy to arrange for my disappearance.”
Angered, Adama clenches his jaw.
~*~*~
Leoben wrapped his other arm around Fraser and pulled him along for a few feet until they reached the raised pallet. For a moment, Fraser resisted being lowered to the mattress. Leoben felt like Ray, felt the way Ray did when he would do the same thing to get them into bed. He couldn’t continue, not like this, so he used a half-forgotten bit of training to shift his weight around so that Leoben was the one who was lowered, not Fraser.
Breaking free of the kiss, Leoben said, “Benton -”
He wouldn’t listen to him, so Fraser kissed Leoben again, hard enough to draw blood. Fraser started to apologize, but he stopped himself. He had nothing to be sorry about, because if the Cylon was injured during this transaction, it was only just and proper. Once Leoben’s comfort was safely dismissed, Fraser reached down and grasped Leoben’s cock. He stripped it efficiently and with an eye to speedy completion, steadfastly ignoring the fact that his hand knew the shape of Leoben’s flesh as well as it knew the shape of his own. Mere coincidence, he reminded himself, and it had nothing to do with Ray.
Fraser’s hand moved faster and faster, and he muffled Leoben’s grunts and words as best he could. Even so, he still heard Leoben’s cry of pleasure and his moans of approval as Fraser gathered his ejaculate to use as lubricant.
~*~*~
“Have the Cylons brainwashed you so completely that you could believe that of us?” he asks Fraser.
It’s a hard question, and Fraser wants to deny the unspoken accusation, but he can’t. The Cylons, after all, taught him their version of the Colonies’ history, and no matter how much he works at remaining nonjudgmental, there is still no denying his horror at some of what he learned.
“No, sir,” he says after considering his response. “My experience with human nature in general allows me to believe that of any governing body, not just the Colonies’.”
~*~*~
By the time Fraser pushed into Leoben, he was crying again. He only knew this only because Leoben captured his face to lick away the tears.
“This isn’t real. You don’t care. Don’t pretend you do,” he said.
“It’s real,” Leoben whispered as he tilted his hips to meet Fraser’s thrusts. “It’s real, and I care.”
“No!” He pushed harder and faster, caring only to find his release as quickly as possible to end this union.
“I love you, Benton.” Leoben moved just so, and Fraser came with no sense of relief. “I wish I could keep you here with me.”
“Don’t. Don’t speak.”
“Our separation will be hard,” he said, ignoring Fraser yet again. “But it’s necessary to save Earth. To save Ray.”
Fraser pushed himself away. “Damn you to hell.”
~*~*~
A flicker of - guilt? - crosses Adama’s features. “Very well, Mr. Fraser. I will arrange for you to meet with legal counsel.”
A victory, of sorts, though it brings Fraser no joy.
Author: Tara Keezer
Rating: NC-17
Fandoms: due South/Battlestar Galactica crossover
Notes: More of that BSG thing. 2,300 words that are set after Convergence, and before the events of History.
Warning: I’m nervous about this entry, because I’ve been noshing on it since January, and I’m not convinced it works. I also think I’ve been staring at it too long to have a reasonable opinion, so I leave it to you guys to tell me yay or nay. If it’s nay, I’ll make it private, and we’ll just pretend it never happened, okay? Okay.
Summary: Neither the past nor the present brings Fraser much joy.
~*~*~
Leoben wrapped himself around Fraser and rocked him as he rode out the vision. “I’m here. You’re not alone.”
“Christ!” Fraser stared into the horror that surrounded him. “They’re dead. They’re all dead.”
“No. Not yet. This is only a possibility.” Leoben tucked his face in close to Fraser’s. “I’ve seen the fire in my own dreams. I know God weeps at the thought of it.”
Sweat ran off Fraser’s face and body, but he was too lost in the vision to notice it. “How could you? How could you do that to them?”
“We have no choice, Benton, not right now.”
“There’s always -” Fraser stopped speaking when he saw the mangled and burned body of a child. “Make it stop!”
“Soon. The vision will end soon,” Leoben crooned. When Fraser began to struggle, Leoben tightened his hold. “Stay with me, Benton. You’ll hurt yourself if you run blindly.”
“Why are you doing this to me?”
“So you understand.”
~*~*~
Fraser regrets sitting for this initial meeting with Admiral Adama. He would much prefer to accept the other man’s judgment while standing, but he’s still too weak. Simply walking to this room sapped his energy to the point that he wishes he could lie down and sleep. Instead, he steels himself to focus while Adama skims a report.
“What ship were you on, Mr. Fraser?” Though Adama’s voice is kind, there’s no mistaking that this is an interrogation.
“A Cylon base ship,” he answers.
“Before that.” Adama is patient. “What ship were you on before the Cylons captured you?”
“I wasn’t on a ship.”
Fraser suddenly remembers that he has had this conversation with Adama several times before, though they’ve only just met. It’s just one more piece of evidence that chamalla does, indeed, cause the user to have prophetic experiences. He thinks this fresh vindication should make him feel better about the decisions he’s made; he knows it won’t.
“So you were taken before the Cylons destroyed the Colonies?” Adama’s pose is casual, and Fraser knows it’s a lie. He can see the tension in Adama’s jaw.
“No, sir. I was captured after that.” Though it’s tempting to cut to the chase and tell Adama everything, Fraser remembers what will happen. It’s safer to continue at this slow pace.
“You survived the initial attacks, then. Which world were you on?”
The question is slightly out of place. It’s two or three ahead of where Fraser remembers Adama should be, and worse still, Adama’s question isn’t specific to the Colonies. As much as Fraser wants to deflect, to delay his answer, he avoids doing just that. Fraser believes that giving Adama anything other than the truth at this point will only worsen the situation.
His mouth dry, he answers, “Earth.”
Adama doesn’t seem surprised, which is a relief. It means Fraser still has a chance.
~*~*~
Leoben, the second Leoben, always bathed him after a vision. Kept him close and held him. Eased him through the distress of finding himself back in the present, because it was always a shock. It was never pleasant to return to his body, no matter how awful the vision. Leoben told Fraser he understood and went through the motions of helping.
Fraser hated him for that kindness and consideration. The first Leoben was unpredictable and cruel at times, especially after the visions started, and it was simple for Fraser to remember his role as a prisoner. Not so with the second Leoben.
“Why are you doing this to me?” Fraser longed for the clean pain of a sharp blade. He thought that if nothing else, it would dispel the last vestiges of what he’d seen and allow him to think again.
“I see your part in God’s plan.” Leoben stroked Fraser’s chest and stomach. “He wants you to fulfill your destiny.”
“Is this the same god who ordered genocide?”
“Cylons aren’t perfect.” Leoben’s hand dipped lower. “We make mistakes.”
“How do you know I’m not one of them?”
“You’re not.”
~*~*~
Adama leans back slightly in his chair and gives Fraser what might pass for a smile under other circumstances. At the moment, it reminds Fraser of little more than an animal baring its teeth at him.
“I’m sure you’ll be happy to know we’re headed for Earth right now.”
Fraser’s gut tightens. “You are mistaken, sir.”
“Oh?”
This is going all wrong. Fraser remembers Adama getting angry with him right now, not sitting there as if they were discussing the weather. For a moment, Fraser is terrified. If this is wrong, what else is wrong? He takes a deep breath and reminds himself of certain facts that are set in stone, with or without chamalla to influence him. Those facts haven’t changed just because Adama isn’t angry.
Fraser takes another deep breath as he composes his response, taking care to avoid words and phrases which set Adama off in the visions. “The Cylons won’t permit the Colonial Fleet to approach Earth.”
“Why not?”
It’s clear now that Adama has already come to certain conclusions of his own. This is both a blessing and a curse, though on the whole, Fraser counts it as a blessing. It means he can stop relying so completely on his vision memories and start responding in the moment. With that particular shackle removed, Fraser relaxes. Whatever happens from this point forward, he no longer bears sole responsibility for the future.
“They believe the humans on Earth are redeemable.”
~*~*~
”It’s your choice, Benton,” Leoben said. “You always have a choice.”
Fraser went back to the beginning of the record and watched again as each of the twelve colonies was laid waste by countless nuclear strikes. He watched as a ticker estimated the number of dead both from the detonation and later from the fallout. He watched the space battle between humans and Cylons and swallowed back bile as the number of dead increased with the destruction of each human ship.
“My choice is between billions dead or tens of millions.”
“Better a hard choice than no choice at all.”
Leoben was wrong. It wasn’t a hard choice; it was a bitter choice.
~*~*~
“And we’re not, is that it?” Adama nods, as if getting confirmation of something he already knew. “What makes your people so special?”
“There are three major monotheistic religions on Earth, all related.”
“You no longer honor Zeus or Athena or any of the others?”
The recitation of names startles Fraser, even though he’s learned the basic dogma of Colonial religion. Leoben was nothing if not thorough in his tutorials.
Fraser says, “The Cylons believe their god is the same as the god of the Earth religions.”
“What do you believe?”
Fraser blinks, startled to hear a familiar question. He shakes off his sudden unease and answers, “I believe that as long as the Cylons are convinced they share a god with the humans of Earth, they won’t destroy my home.”
~*~*~
“Let’s get you cleaned up.” Leoben helped Fraser to the shower and bathed him with a tenderness that was galling. His mouth and body clean, Fraser was about to confront Leoben with the truth he’d learned in his latest visions, but instead, he started crying quietly.
Had he been a less honest man, he would have claimed his tears were for humanity. Had he been a less honest man, he would have pretended they were the result of emotional trauma. Had he been a less honest man, he would have ignored the truth behind the new vision of the future.
Fraser wasn’t less honest, though, so he grimly acknowledged that his tears were for himself, for the betrayal he was going to commit freely and voluntarily.
He wrapped his arms around Leoben’s waist and dropped his chin to Leoben’s shoulder. “You were right. I’ll help.”
~*~*~
An officer enters the room and speaks quietly to Adama. Fraser could listen, if he chose to, but he believes he has, at long last, finally developed the art of selective awareness. He will be told what he needs to know, when he needs to know it. To invite information before he needs it is pointless and, frankly, masochistic.
Adama looks up and says, “President Roslyn believes it is necessary for us to have a more formal discussion, Mr. Fraser. Until such time as that can be set up, you will be returned to the brig.”
Despite his resolution not to ask needless questions, Fraser finds himself asking, “Am I under arrest, sir?”
It’s clear that Adama didn’t expect the question.
~*~*~
Leoben was gentle - terrifyingly gentle. He held Fraser for an endless time, soothing him with quiet touches and calm reassurances. When Fraser’s tears slowed down at last, Leoben told him that one day, humanity would remember him as a hero and would honor him with a special place in history. The lie was too much, and rather than listen to another word, Fraser captured Leoben’s mouth in a hard kiss that was meant to punish Leoben as much as it was to silence him.
It was the first time Fraser had kissed one of the Leobens - he didn’t count the times the Leobens had kissed him - and he was grateful, so very grateful, that it was nothing at all like kissing Ray. Leoben’s mouth was as tasteless and bland as distilled water, despite the fact that he ate the same food that Fraser did. Ray’s mouth, he remembered, had always been a kaleidoscope of tastes ranging from pemmican to coffee to the occasional cigarette he didn’t think Fraser knew about. The differences heartened him. He could do this; he could have congress with this monster with Ray’s face, and he could keep his memories of Ray intact and uncorrupted.
Fraser clasped the back of Leoben’s head and angled it to the left; had he been kissing Ray, he would have angled the head to the right, and he reminded himself of that as his cock hardened. It didn’t care about the emotional nuances. It responded, because it had been without direct stimulation for far too long, and there was a warm, willing hand on it now. Fraser told himself that accepting this monster into his bed wasn’t a denial of what he felt for Ray. It was simply sealing a bargain in the only way Leoben and the other Cylons would accept.
~*~*~
“Let’s just say that for the moment, you’re in protective custody,” Adama says.
Fraser is slipping into old habits and patterns and can’t stop himself from asking, “Do I have need of legal counsel?”
Adama loses what little warmth he had for Fraser and asks, “What do you think?”
He pauses for a moment, considering his words. “I think that unless there is a public record of my status on board Galactica, it would be all too easy to arrange for my disappearance.”
Angered, Adama clenches his jaw.
~*~*~
Leoben wrapped his other arm around Fraser and pulled him along for a few feet until they reached the raised pallet. For a moment, Fraser resisted being lowered to the mattress. Leoben felt like Ray, felt the way Ray did when he would do the same thing to get them into bed. He couldn’t continue, not like this, so he used a half-forgotten bit of training to shift his weight around so that Leoben was the one who was lowered, not Fraser.
Breaking free of the kiss, Leoben said, “Benton -”
He wouldn’t listen to him, so Fraser kissed Leoben again, hard enough to draw blood. Fraser started to apologize, but he stopped himself. He had nothing to be sorry about, because if the Cylon was injured during this transaction, it was only just and proper. Once Leoben’s comfort was safely dismissed, Fraser reached down and grasped Leoben’s cock. He stripped it efficiently and with an eye to speedy completion, steadfastly ignoring the fact that his hand knew the shape of Leoben’s flesh as well as it knew the shape of his own. Mere coincidence, he reminded himself, and it had nothing to do with Ray.
Fraser’s hand moved faster and faster, and he muffled Leoben’s grunts and words as best he could. Even so, he still heard Leoben’s cry of pleasure and his moans of approval as Fraser gathered his ejaculate to use as lubricant.
~*~*~
“Have the Cylons brainwashed you so completely that you could believe that of us?” he asks Fraser.
It’s a hard question, and Fraser wants to deny the unspoken accusation, but he can’t. The Cylons, after all, taught him their version of the Colonies’ history, and no matter how much he works at remaining nonjudgmental, there is still no denying his horror at some of what he learned.
“No, sir,” he says after considering his response. “My experience with human nature in general allows me to believe that of any governing body, not just the Colonies’.”
~*~*~
By the time Fraser pushed into Leoben, he was crying again. He only knew this only because Leoben captured his face to lick away the tears.
“This isn’t real. You don’t care. Don’t pretend you do,” he said.
“It’s real,” Leoben whispered as he tilted his hips to meet Fraser’s thrusts. “It’s real, and I care.”
“No!” He pushed harder and faster, caring only to find his release as quickly as possible to end this union.
“I love you, Benton.” Leoben moved just so, and Fraser came with no sense of relief. “I wish I could keep you here with me.”
“Don’t. Don’t speak.”
“Our separation will be hard,” he said, ignoring Fraser yet again. “But it’s necessary to save Earth. To save Ray.”
Fraser pushed himself away. “Damn you to hell.”
~*~*~
A flicker of - guilt? - crosses Adama’s features. “Very well, Mr. Fraser. I will arrange for you to meet with legal counsel.”
A victory, of sorts, though it brings Fraser no joy.