(no subject)
He came by the new place tonight to do a walkthrough.
I actually don't know how it happened. We were talking. Well, texting. He kept offering his services, we kept...I don't know, butting heads. There was the general "miss you" expression from both of us. Not sure where we're at, really. Weird gray area? The bottom line is he hasn't exactly gone away like I thought he might, and indeed has been somewhat persistent in wanting to see me, or something, and so I decided he could at least make himself useful and use his contracting skillz to point out potential problems.
Anyway, he came by. Liked the place. Pointed out areas for improvement. I will speak to my landlord.
"If they won't fix it, I will," he said, and promptly suggested further things we could do, and a way to help me fix my sink in the present bathroom so maybe they won't keep my deposit.
"I think he sees the place as one big renovation project," I said to Mom.
"More like renovating the relationship," she said.
"He's just being nice," I said. "Friendly."
"No," she said. "Silly child. You have much to learn."
Actually, her response, verbatim, was "NONONONONONONONO." Followed by "Men aren't like that."
So, I don't know. Seeing him was...weird...this would've been our eight-month anniversary, not that I'm counting, and I have had time to think. He's in a bad place. I have my own failings, but ultimately I was a good girlfriend to him. This...this bad thing that happened...it isn't me. I am slowly getting that. I do wonder if maybe if I'd known that - if I'd known he cared, if I'd known it wasn't me - or at least been more secure in it...if I would've...done things differently.
But I am me, and I guess at least I forced something.
"What could he have done to prove himself to you?" Miss J asked me. "Instead of just letting you go? Because really, when you're being dumped...well, fighting it only makes it worse."
I guess in that sense...well...he could have said "I do want us to work" - but hell, I freely admit I panicked. Maybe he did, too.
Whatever. Baby steps. A giant pink elephant was tap-dancing in the corner of my apartment the entire time, and we mostly stuck to business, but it was ... okay.
He booked it outta there after 40 minutes.
"Good to see you!!!! :D" he texted while driving, slightly reminiscent of our first date, when he zipped outta there and then texted me about how much fun he had.
I am doing my best to be more open. So I said, "You too. I have really missed you. I'm glad you came by."
"Me too :D"
I promised to pay him in hideously expensive tea, although he did threaten to charge me 80 bucks an hour for all this, which...I kind of looked at the floor and said, meekly, "I guess that's what I deserve" and there was kind of a long pause. That was as close as we got to discussing Elmer, the pink elephant.
It's strange, how quickly he became part of my life. I say "seven months is too little time" but...in reality, that's over half a year. He meant...means...a lot to me. I want so badly for him to be happy, to climb out of the hole he's in. But he has to do that for himself.
In the meantime. He has definitely been missed. I hope he sticks around in some capacity.
I am emotionally drained. Not just from him. From Layoff City. I survived, for now. I suspect this company's got another year in it while the Board of Directors tries to recoup what they can of an investment gone bad. I have said goodbye to people I knew. I have wondered why it wasn't me. Survivor's guilt and all of that. A lot of people I never, ever talk to came and vented to me. Not sure why. So we bond through shared injustice, or something.
I might be next, they might be next. Goodbye, job security. I'll miss you.
I am taking a self-defense course. Roundhouse kicks are impressive but not my forte; bad knees don't lend themselves to kicking. I'm much better with my fists, as I always suspected I would be.
Onward and upward, then.
I actually don't know how it happened. We were talking. Well, texting. He kept offering his services, we kept...I don't know, butting heads. There was the general "miss you" expression from both of us. Not sure where we're at, really. Weird gray area? The bottom line is he hasn't exactly gone away like I thought he might, and indeed has been somewhat persistent in wanting to see me, or something, and so I decided he could at least make himself useful and use his contracting skillz to point out potential problems.
Anyway, he came by. Liked the place. Pointed out areas for improvement. I will speak to my landlord.
"If they won't fix it, I will," he said, and promptly suggested further things we could do, and a way to help me fix my sink in the present bathroom so maybe they won't keep my deposit.
"I think he sees the place as one big renovation project," I said to Mom.
"More like renovating the relationship," she said.
"He's just being nice," I said. "Friendly."
"No," she said. "Silly child. You have much to learn."
Actually, her response, verbatim, was "NONONONONONONONO." Followed by "Men aren't like that."
So, I don't know. Seeing him was...weird...this would've been our eight-month anniversary, not that I'm counting, and I have had time to think. He's in a bad place. I have my own failings, but ultimately I was a good girlfriend to him. This...this bad thing that happened...it isn't me. I am slowly getting that. I do wonder if maybe if I'd known that - if I'd known he cared, if I'd known it wasn't me - or at least been more secure in it...if I would've...done things differently.
But I am me, and I guess at least I forced something.
"What could he have done to prove himself to you?" Miss J asked me. "Instead of just letting you go? Because really, when you're being dumped...well, fighting it only makes it worse."
I guess in that sense...well...he could have said "I do want us to work" - but hell, I freely admit I panicked. Maybe he did, too.
Whatever. Baby steps. A giant pink elephant was tap-dancing in the corner of my apartment the entire time, and we mostly stuck to business, but it was ... okay.
He booked it outta there after 40 minutes.
"Good to see you!!!! :D" he texted while driving, slightly reminiscent of our first date, when he zipped outta there and then texted me about how much fun he had.
I am doing my best to be more open. So I said, "You too. I have really missed you. I'm glad you came by."
"Me too :D"
I promised to pay him in hideously expensive tea, although he did threaten to charge me 80 bucks an hour for all this, which...I kind of looked at the floor and said, meekly, "I guess that's what I deserve" and there was kind of a long pause. That was as close as we got to discussing Elmer, the pink elephant.
It's strange, how quickly he became part of my life. I say "seven months is too little time" but...in reality, that's over half a year. He meant...means...a lot to me. I want so badly for him to be happy, to climb out of the hole he's in. But he has to do that for himself.
In the meantime. He has definitely been missed. I hope he sticks around in some capacity.
I am emotionally drained. Not just from him. From Layoff City. I survived, for now. I suspect this company's got another year in it while the Board of Directors tries to recoup what they can of an investment gone bad. I have said goodbye to people I knew. I have wondered why it wasn't me. Survivor's guilt and all of that. A lot of people I never, ever talk to came and vented to me. Not sure why. So we bond through shared injustice, or something.
I might be next, they might be next. Goodbye, job security. I'll miss you.
I am taking a self-defense course. Roundhouse kicks are impressive but not my forte; bad knees don't lend themselves to kicking. I'm much better with my fists, as I always suspected I would be.
Onward and upward, then.