Hormone vs Rational
I'm trying to track my "sob entries" to see if there's a hormonal curve my brain is following.
It is hard for me to trust a dude, because the last dude (okay, and the serious dude before him in college) would say things like "oh, let's go do stuff!" and then back out because he didn't want to. Of course, last dude said wonderful things to me at times - which he later said "I was trying to convince myself" (I mean really, WTF?). I don't think this particular edition pulls that shit, but old freakout habits die hard.
I have not seen him since Sunday. I am basically working two jobs and he is working long hours trying to get a client's kitchen in order. We were supposed to meet up last night, but the ER happened. Tonight, I asked him at around 7 if he'd be working all night again. He said yes and he'd keep me posted. At about 10 he announces that he's done, and he has "Daybreakers" to watch. I assume this means I'm included, but warily ask my place or his...he says either, tomorrow.
Awesome. I suggest my place, we can make mac n'cheese. He says he has to get up early on Saturday. I say, fine, we'll make it an early evening. He says, we'll see how it goes [smiley face].
I am a tad bit irritated.
I am very easygoing. Frankly, it's not like I'm missing a big party if I hang out with him - I come home, I work out, and I work my other job. But I guess it would be nice if he'd say "Gonna work all night" so I don't need to wonder about showering, cleaning the place up, getting ready...or if I wanted to go out with the gals or something...
I mean, I would anyway. I haven't been doing much socially since the second job and that monster weekend a few weeks ago. I am mentally exhausted but I like the keeping busy.
I guess I'm trying to decide whether or not our Friday night is going to happen at all. I can't really interpret "we'll see how it goes" and "I have an early day Saturday" when he's the one who suggested we watch it Friday.
It's not even that I don't trust him; he's never given me reason to not trust him. I basically assume most people will screw me over. Doubly so if you're a man. This is partially due to my own lack of faith in myself - I don't feel that I can keep him interested. So whenever this sort of thing goes on, I say "Ah, well, he's seeing someone on the side/realizing he doesn't want this/blah blah." And...that really quite sucks, doesn't it? And since that's been my experience in the past, I instantly expect it in the future. So when he does something that dudes do and gets absent-minded and forgetful, some part of me freaks the hell out.
So my more rational side thinks, well, we are both quite busy right now, and we'll have fun next time we get together. My crazed hormonal side, however..."He is AVOIDING YOU."
Rational side: We could talk about it?
Hormonal side: DON'T BE THAT GIRL
Rational side: It's been almost five months. I have every right.
Hormonal side: DO NOT SHOW INSECURITY! JUST DUMP THE CHUMP.
Rational side: I should just say, 'hey, I hope this isn't going to become habit.'
Hormonal side: HE IS BORED WITH YOU! YOU ARE NOT A FOXY BEACH CHICK WITH CULTURAL EXPERIENCE! DUMP HIM AND RETAIN SOME DIGNITY.
Rational side: But I like him. He's fun.
Hormonal side: HE IS IGNORING YOU! HE IS AVOIDING YOU!
Rational side: He's working 14-hour days and he's tired! And so am I!
Hormonal side: YOU ARE TOO INSECURE TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP. YOU ARE BETTER OFF SINGLE.
Hormonal side talks in all caps, you see. I like rational side better as a person, but hormonal side is just LOUD LOUD LOUD and drowns a lot out.
I imagine it's similar to men thinking with their penises.
Going back through the entries, I had a similar "feeling" around the same time last month. Think it is hormones, then. Damn, that luteal phase is a bitch.
He does not see the hormonal side. Few do; a couple select friends and this blog. I hide it because I see it as sort of a weakness (and I don't like being perceived that way) and also because...well...shit, if I knew my boyfriend was thinking some of the thoughts I have - hormone-fueled or not - I'd be deeply upset. If this shit continues, at some point I will have to say "Look, do I matter to you? Because you matter to me. If this is just a tough phase in our working lives, that's fine, but if this is indicative of our attitudes toward each other, we should part ways."
Look how grown-up and rational I sound! Hormonal side is shrieking in torment.
Bedtime for me, I guess. Peace out, kiddos.