ever
Do you ever get the feeling like you missed out on somthing, or you missed out on something for the better? sometimes life throughs you a curve ball and in most cases, its a should you swing, or not. i think imissed the perfect pich, tolate now, cant swing at air. but hey, when you living life in the fast lane, i guess you cant really go back and think about that pitch, i got nothing but work behind me and nothing but work yet 2 come. i work two jobs, go 2 school, funding my truck project, paying fo rmy dads meds, paying for my mom cigarettes, feeding my family, and so far i feel as if im a 34 year old dad, taking care of his kids and phone bills, speaking of, my cell is cut, had 2 pay for daddie's pills, i havent said anything yet but my dad had a heart attack and lost some control of his left side of his face. i know you loved your radio hunnie, but i think im having a worst year=/. the other day, my brother called me mr. brightside. saying im always looking around the corner for somthing that may never come. am i wrong for doing this? is it such a crime 2 hope for the better? in my case, my mother calls me a dreamer. is it bad to dream about a better life? or should i stick with the one i have and focus on making it better. im running out of money, my senior project is gonna be late, and the house payment is due at the end of the month. what more can i do. i really just feel like giving up. if i stop going 2 school i can make more money at my new job. i could work the day and night shift. i could keep my mother on her kemo, and my father on his meds. i just dont know. sometimes i get off of work at 2 am. and when i walk into mr lawsons class, i get yelled at for being 20 min late.. should i snap on him and fuck him up? should i tell him what going on.. no. no i couldnt do anyone of those. so i just take it like im suposed to. and start working. im failing math, i dont think i can pass, i have a 38% and need 65% 2 pass. i cant make this work up in 2 weeks. again i could be making more money . my k has no clue. i just sit down in class and smile. no one knows what i am feeling. and in my world thats how it always is. you think cuz i have a smile on my face when you ask me a question that i really feel fine. when someone says hey whats up should i say... my mom and dad is dying.. and you? no. i look the the brightside and say. im still alive. i can sleep, cant eat, i dont go anywhere with friends.. i havent ever whent 2 a school dance, i dont think ill have money to finish my project and will fail the final. god. all this, in the past 2 months.. kind makes you wonder why i look to the brightside in everything. if i stop dreaming, will my truck ever get done? will my mother and father get better? will .....
oh never mind. no one will have read this far into my life anyway. i could say some random shit and no one would even know. but thats how life goes. i wonder how long it would take someone to figure out im not in school any more. i mean. i need the money but, if i drop out, i think my mother would disown me. and for my father. i think it might kill him faster.i have done nothing with my life. failure.its a fact that the high school years are suposed 2 be the greatest,highlight of your life. to be honest. if this was a highlight of what 2 come. throw in the towl. its the 9th inning and the count is 2 an 0. face it your not gonna hit the next curve you see.
last week, a girl that i had been feeling great feelings for called me and said that i was just to nice. what the fuck. would a girl rather have a basterd boyfriend that bitches her out every fucking hour of the day. seems 2 me that this is how the world works. example greenday- nice guys finish last.... im not sad while i am writing my journal today. i am angery at what i have become.i got that feeling in my throt. the feeling where it feels like you are swollowing a baseball and start 2 choke. the feeling where it feels like your heart is bleeding through your eyes, and feeling where you just want to shut down your bodys organs and let sit rotten for years in the same spot. the feeling when your dreaming that you died and how everyone is crying while you look apon your lifeless body in the retangle shaped box. yea that feeling. you wanna know what all those feelings are called.
lonlyness. number one couse of teenage deaths in the us and canada. i have been typing all this bullshit for 48 minutes now. i have the choice of holding down that backspace botton and keeping all this inside me.
ill im sure ill make the right decision soon. good night all.
oh never mind. no one will have read this far into my life anyway. i could say some random shit and no one would even know. but thats how life goes. i wonder how long it would take someone to figure out im not in school any more. i mean. i need the money but, if i drop out, i think my mother would disown me. and for my father. i think it might kill him faster.i have done nothing with my life. failure.its a fact that the high school years are suposed 2 be the greatest,highlight of your life. to be honest. if this was a highlight of what 2 come. throw in the towl. its the 9th inning and the count is 2 an 0. face it your not gonna hit the next curve you see.
last week, a girl that i had been feeling great feelings for called me and said that i was just to nice. what the fuck. would a girl rather have a basterd boyfriend that bitches her out every fucking hour of the day. seems 2 me that this is how the world works. example greenday- nice guys finish last.... im not sad while i am writing my journal today. i am angery at what i have become.i got that feeling in my throt. the feeling where it feels like you are swollowing a baseball and start 2 choke. the feeling where it feels like your heart is bleeding through your eyes, and feeling where you just want to shut down your bodys organs and let sit rotten for years in the same spot. the feeling when your dreaming that you died and how everyone is crying while you look apon your lifeless body in the retangle shaped box. yea that feeling. you wanna know what all those feelings are called.
lonlyness. number one couse of teenage deaths in the us and canada. i have been typing all this bullshit for 48 minutes now. i have the choice of holding down that backspace botton and keeping all this inside me.
ill im sure ill make the right decision soon. good night all.