Paint me some happiness
All of my days are mixing together like a child with finger paint. They all look so beautiful day by day, colour by colour but when you put them togehter it turns into a muddy brown and no longer can you decipher the beauty of the individual colours. Not only is it my days but i have come once again to the place where i cant pull my dreams out of my dream folder or my days out of my day folder, some one was playing in my systematically catagorized mind and dropped all my files into one pile on the floor. Lest to say all day i have been in a fog and quiet for fear i mention something that did not actually happen and people start wondering about me and how 'stable' i am once more. I absolutely hate all the wondering that goes on, the whispering that goes on behind closed doors but right now the whispering that i hate most is that sort thats scrawled in bathroom style graffitti on the back of my eyelids. The 'where were you's and 'what happened's all those things that eat at me incessently, all those questions i have no answers for. Answering to yourself is the hardest thing to do. I need something to keep me company. I miss my pets, when i had a pet things made sense... or rather at least when they didn't i could pull Batman out and watch him crawl all over my bed and do silly things and it gave me something to concentrate on. The antics of a crab. I need something like that again, something mine i can have just for me in the comfort of my room that doesnt try and run away, or commit sucide thats there 24-7. Somedays i want to crawl back into my phase where i wore black all the time and spoke to no one, then i wouldnt be so lonely. I'm going to have to start singing again... or doing something, im sick of feeling trapped in my mind. What happened to my poetry, my having a spirit that clawed at my insides until i couldnt sleep at all, until i was dripping poetry, until i spoke in verse, what happened to my singing until my lungs felt like they were bleeding, what happened to all that stupid stuff i did that left me collapsed and breathless on the floor? what happened to me?