Persistence Prevails
My love and I have been trying to keep our lives clutter free, so most importantly the first thing to tidy is our home. A home is the soul of who you are, and looking back it truly did reflect my exhaustion in life. I gave up for a while, but that really isn't a bad thing for everyone needs a break once in awhile. The negative factor was that I got used to living that way, so I my attitude began reflecting that into other avenues of my life. It's actually been enjoyable deep cleaning everything. It's almost meditative as if I am cleansing myself out as I clean - I'm putting parts of me in their proper places. Last night was rough. It took me two hours to deep clean the kitchen, and I had only scrubbed it bare two weeks ago. It's amazing how fast buildup can occur, and again I find myself comparing the wall smudges to blemishes on the aura that can smother if not wiped away properly.
I am hoping that this weekend doesn't downward spiral me though. I have been doing so well with focusing on what's important for me, and not getting drug into other peoples problems. But I don't know how I can remain neutral if my sisters start a brawl. It's the one thing in my life that is still bringing me down. I know my family has always been aggressive & confrontational with each other, but I just don't have the energy to deal with it anymore. I even had to hang up on my mom last night just because she wouldn't stop nagging my father instead of talking to me. Then I called my sister and she was so busy freaking out I had to focus on breathing and block her out. It's so easy to dive back into that tornado when we have such a close bond and similar energy. We feed one another, and until we can strengthen each other versus attack I may have to vanish. I don't want to I miss Kelly so much, but I can't keep being this peg in the middle holding everyone else in place. I feel if I go it's all going to come tumbling down. It's not easy being the only one who everyone speaks to. The responsibility is too much to ask of anyone.
You know what screw this. I am stronger than these fears. If I keep thinking this way nothing will ever change. I can be supportive without taking sides just as I have been the last few months. I will keep cleaning out all worries, until time heals them all. I guess I always wanted to be the center focus of us sisters growing up, but I guess I never realized what a price it really is. No wonder poor Kristin has jumped through hoops trying to please everyone. I am more than happy to ease some pressure off her shoulders, and I am more than willing to let Kelly cry on mine.
What's wrong with me? These aren't even issues..... this is just being there for those you love. I have been running my whole life from my family I guess - being rebellious and wild that I often forget what is expected of me in loving settings. I am grateful that I am learning to keep myself in check, because looking through another's eyes you have to like what you see when you look back at yourself.
~ till the next ~
I am hoping that this weekend doesn't downward spiral me though. I have been doing so well with focusing on what's important for me, and not getting drug into other peoples problems. But I don't know how I can remain neutral if my sisters start a brawl. It's the one thing in my life that is still bringing me down. I know my family has always been aggressive & confrontational with each other, but I just don't have the energy to deal with it anymore. I even had to hang up on my mom last night just because she wouldn't stop nagging my father instead of talking to me. Then I called my sister and she was so busy freaking out I had to focus on breathing and block her out. It's so easy to dive back into that tornado when we have such a close bond and similar energy. We feed one another, and until we can strengthen each other versus attack I may have to vanish. I don't want to I miss Kelly so much, but I can't keep being this peg in the middle holding everyone else in place. I feel if I go it's all going to come tumbling down. It's not easy being the only one who everyone speaks to. The responsibility is too much to ask of anyone.
You know what screw this. I am stronger than these fears. If I keep thinking this way nothing will ever change. I can be supportive without taking sides just as I have been the last few months. I will keep cleaning out all worries, until time heals them all. I guess I always wanted to be the center focus of us sisters growing up, but I guess I never realized what a price it really is. No wonder poor Kristin has jumped through hoops trying to please everyone. I am more than happy to ease some pressure off her shoulders, and I am more than willing to let Kelly cry on mine.
What's wrong with me? These aren't even issues..... this is just being there for those you love. I have been running my whole life from my family I guess - being rebellious and wild that I often forget what is expected of me in loving settings. I am grateful that I am learning to keep myself in check, because looking through another's eyes you have to like what you see when you look back at yourself.
~ till the next ~