(no subject)

[elektrasai]

i had a health scare and a car accident last month. not that i needed anything like that to happen in order for me to not take things for granted, but it did make me realize that i'm not ready to die. for awhile, i felt like i would be sad to let this life go, but also relieved when death came to take me. in some ways, death would come as a relief, because this life has been hard and every day is full of pain. however, i have been blessed with romantic love for the very first time in my life. the one thing i thought about when looking up my symptoms on the internet and seeing stomach cancer and all sorts of horrible things, ..was how badly i didn't want to leave him. i would miss him so much. i am so grateful though. i always felt that at the age of twenty four, if i was to die i would mourn never knowing what it's like to have unconditional love outside of my family. it's truly the most amazing thing i've ever experienced. it's not perfect..because i'm not, i have insecurities and doubts and paranoia.., but when we're together it all bleeds away. we had our first proper date saturday. we saw sin city and ate at a diner. we were carded for the movie, it was hilarious. i felt really weird after the movie though, and then while we were waiting for our food i was just zoning out. he was talking to me and i was trying to so hard to focus on what he was saying and listen..but i could only absorb bits and pieces. i didn't think i was that tired, but atleast i snapped out of it and was okay to drive home, but i still felt weird. close to home i started to dry heave, thank god i didn't vomit in my parents' car. i've been having to borrow it because my car was being fixed and now that i've got it back, it's making weird noises and has to go BACK. i'm just glad i wasn't hurt though. freak snow storm in march and i'm five minutes from home and i just went into a slide. slammed into a power box and then a sign..so scary. i need a new job. especially with all these bills..billsbills.

i've never felt okay. i feel okay when i'm with him. his presence quells the beasts within, subduing my madness. atleast for the most part. i've been thinking about upping my medication though, because even in our perfect moments my thoughts interfere and i find myself outside of the moment, trapped inside my head and unable to be PRESENT. it's frustrating, but i breathe and i look into his eyes and in that moment everything is right, and we fit.