Cheese is my bitch...
The history of Bernard Butler, according to his very own myspace profile...
Together they formed the Britpop band Suede and went on to conquer the British charts, releasing an eponymous debut album which won the Mercury Music Prize. After Anderson suffered a malfunction which gave him a god-complex, Butler abandoned his musical career and returned to building robotic hamsters and badgers, as he instead decided to build a forest in his basement populated by cybernetic organisms and papier mache trees. Butler soon became disillusioned with his indoor forest and once again turned his hand back to music. This time he started to build self-playing guitars which could learn.
He joined forces with soul singer David McAlmont and together, with the use of one of his intelligent guitars, released the hit single, "Yes" which became a wedding-staple amongst Mongolian tribesmen. McAlmont & Butler fell out, however, when Butler received the Nobel Prize in Science for his invention and refused to use the prize money to buy his McAlmont a pony. Left without a humanoid collaborator, Butler turned to his intelligent guitar and together they built a bass, a keyboard and drum set which wrote two albums for him, released under his own name as solo efforts - 1999's People Move On which saw him grace the cover of Horse & Jockey Magazine as well as Flyfishing Monthly and 2001's Friends & Lovers for which he posed nude in Dog & Pony as he had become a pin-up amongst cottagers in the West Country of England.
Irritated at the frivolity of Butler's activities as a cover star, his guitar promptly split from him, telling the NME that it was the serious musician in the group while Butler was "merely the one who takes his shirt off in photos." On his own again, Butler turned to cheese & onion pies in solace and retreated into reclusive silence and a life of dairy-induced hallucinations.
In late 2003, however, he was contacted by his creation, Brett Anderson, who wanted Butler to collaborate on a record with him. Roused out of his cheese-induced torpor, Butler decided to prove his own prowess as a musician and formed a new band with Anderson, which they called The Tears, out of their mututal love for '80's New Wavers, Tears for Fears. Together they recorded the highly successful Here Come the Queers album in 2005 which graced "Worst Selling Album of All Time" lists in 135 countries. However, in the middle of a sold out tour of greasy spoon cafes in Devon in early 2006, Anderson declared his intention of entering politics and promptly left the group. Butler, desolate at his abandonment vowed to create an army of killer robotic chinchillas to beat Anderson at his game and retreated into his laboratory to begin work on his plan.
Important Facts Butler holds 675 patents in the field of mechanical engineering and robotics. Is the only person to ever teach a guitar to play itself. Can eat 25 cheese and onion pies without vomiting The only winner of the Mercury Music Prize to also hold a Nobel Prize. The only winner of the Nobel Prize to ever pose nude for toffs in a magazine. Once held his breath for 25 minutes while performing an epic version of "Stairway to Heaven" on stage at Glastonbury Festival. Has 32 official fans who regularly send him their soiled undergarments in the mail. Notable Quotes "Don't I have amazing abs?" "Who the fuck is Morrissey? That poof with the quiff? He makes me puke." "If I'd known Brett was going to turn out to be such an arsehole, I'd have made him into a carburator instead of a musician." "Folk music is for pussies. I'm all about the death metal." "Cheese is my bitch."
-----------------
Brilliant, but obviously not written by the man himself. It's typed far too neatly for his errant stylings. None the less it proves his sense of humour in his placing it as his biography. Cheese is his bitch, and how.
Together they formed the Britpop band Suede and went on to conquer the British charts, releasing an eponymous debut album which won the Mercury Music Prize. After Anderson suffered a malfunction which gave him a god-complex, Butler abandoned his musical career and returned to building robotic hamsters and badgers, as he instead decided to build a forest in his basement populated by cybernetic organisms and papier mache trees. Butler soon became disillusioned with his indoor forest and once again turned his hand back to music. This time he started to build self-playing guitars which could learn.
He joined forces with soul singer David McAlmont and together, with the use of one of his intelligent guitars, released the hit single, "Yes" which became a wedding-staple amongst Mongolian tribesmen. McAlmont & Butler fell out, however, when Butler received the Nobel Prize in Science for his invention and refused to use the prize money to buy his McAlmont a pony. Left without a humanoid collaborator, Butler turned to his intelligent guitar and together they built a bass, a keyboard and drum set which wrote two albums for him, released under his own name as solo efforts - 1999's People Move On which saw him grace the cover of Horse & Jockey Magazine as well as Flyfishing Monthly and 2001's Friends & Lovers for which he posed nude in Dog & Pony as he had become a pin-up amongst cottagers in the West Country of England.
Irritated at the frivolity of Butler's activities as a cover star, his guitar promptly split from him, telling the NME that it was the serious musician in the group while Butler was "merely the one who takes his shirt off in photos." On his own again, Butler turned to cheese & onion pies in solace and retreated into reclusive silence and a life of dairy-induced hallucinations.
In late 2003, however, he was contacted by his creation, Brett Anderson, who wanted Butler to collaborate on a record with him. Roused out of his cheese-induced torpor, Butler decided to prove his own prowess as a musician and formed a new band with Anderson, which they called The Tears, out of their mututal love for '80's New Wavers, Tears for Fears. Together they recorded the highly successful Here Come the Queers album in 2005 which graced "Worst Selling Album of All Time" lists in 135 countries. However, in the middle of a sold out tour of greasy spoon cafes in Devon in early 2006, Anderson declared his intention of entering politics and promptly left the group. Butler, desolate at his abandonment vowed to create an army of killer robotic chinchillas to beat Anderson at his game and retreated into his laboratory to begin work on his plan.
Important Facts Butler holds 675 patents in the field of mechanical engineering and robotics. Is the only person to ever teach a guitar to play itself. Can eat 25 cheese and onion pies without vomiting The only winner of the Mercury Music Prize to also hold a Nobel Prize. The only winner of the Nobel Prize to ever pose nude for toffs in a magazine. Once held his breath for 25 minutes while performing an epic version of "Stairway to Heaven" on stage at Glastonbury Festival. Has 32 official fans who regularly send him their soiled undergarments in the mail. Notable Quotes "Don't I have amazing abs?" "Who the fuck is Morrissey? That poof with the quiff? He makes me puke." "If I'd known Brett was going to turn out to be such an arsehole, I'd have made him into a carburator instead of a musician." "Folk music is for pussies. I'm all about the death metal." "Cheese is my bitch."
-----------------
Brilliant, but obviously not written by the man himself. It's typed far too neatly for his errant stylings. None the less it proves his sense of humour in his placing it as his biography. Cheese is his bitch, and how.