(no subject)
Its been a while. I guess I promised an entry but forgot I ever had.
School is dumb, I didn't go today. I keep doubting myself & that only leads to me giving up or figuring nothings worth it. Same thing at home, I suppose. Usually when I'm there [ which is becoming more & more rare ] my Mom's not & when she's home [ which is becoming more & more rare as well ] I'm usually not. Whether I'm at work or out, being at home has become kind of foreign.
Yesterday was an awkward day. I hate having free time where I'm not with someone else or doing something that takes all of my attention. When I have that time, I think too much. About things that don't necessarily matter. Things that just make my stomach turn over that really shouldn't at all. I was thinking about most recent relationships [ which are turning out to be completely pointless ] & my little Brother & my Dad. Situations I can do almost nothing about. Or at least, situations I've convinced myself I can do nothing about. I just want to be happy & let go of all worry regardless of what it's about. I want to be one of those people who doesn't give a fuck but remains a good person with the same kind of characteristics at the same time. If that makes any kind of sense?
It seems odd to me that I want so badly to be this someone that doesn't fit. This counterpart in a relationship that's almost obviously not functional past a certain point. Although, I haven't pushed it to any other level it's still something I find myself constantly thinking about. I'm just wondering how I can feel like I've got such a strong hold on it & still be so confused at the very same time. I've got to reluctantly let it go I guess.
Otherwise, other relationships are progressing in a good direction. I'm finding out how often my friends truly hold me up. They keep me going & give me a purpose when I feel like I really dont have one. It's kind of nice to know someone cares that way.
I need to go to a show. I wanna be a drunk little punk ass bitch at a show again. Jordie, Ben, Sam, Twitch, Lo. The way it used to be. But everyone's moved, & moved on. Which fucking blows. I'm not ready to move on I don't think. I just wanna be some stupid smelly little punk kid again. Or maybe I just wanna feel free with no obligation the way I used to.
Maybe things will get clearer when I leave for a while. Maybe the clouds will move out of my way.
School is dumb, I didn't go today. I keep doubting myself & that only leads to me giving up or figuring nothings worth it. Same thing at home, I suppose. Usually when I'm there [ which is becoming more & more rare ] my Mom's not & when she's home [ which is becoming more & more rare as well ] I'm usually not. Whether I'm at work or out, being at home has become kind of foreign.
Yesterday was an awkward day. I hate having free time where I'm not with someone else or doing something that takes all of my attention. When I have that time, I think too much. About things that don't necessarily matter. Things that just make my stomach turn over that really shouldn't at all. I was thinking about most recent relationships [ which are turning out to be completely pointless ] & my little Brother & my Dad. Situations I can do almost nothing about. Or at least, situations I've convinced myself I can do nothing about. I just want to be happy & let go of all worry regardless of what it's about. I want to be one of those people who doesn't give a fuck but remains a good person with the same kind of characteristics at the same time. If that makes any kind of sense?
It seems odd to me that I want so badly to be this someone that doesn't fit. This counterpart in a relationship that's almost obviously not functional past a certain point. Although, I haven't pushed it to any other level it's still something I find myself constantly thinking about. I'm just wondering how I can feel like I've got such a strong hold on it & still be so confused at the very same time. I've got to reluctantly let it go I guess.
Otherwise, other relationships are progressing in a good direction. I'm finding out how often my friends truly hold me up. They keep me going & give me a purpose when I feel like I really dont have one. It's kind of nice to know someone cares that way.
I need to go to a show. I wanna be a drunk little punk ass bitch at a show again. Jordie, Ben, Sam, Twitch, Lo. The way it used to be. But everyone's moved, & moved on. Which fucking blows. I'm not ready to move on I don't think. I just wanna be some stupid smelly little punk kid again. Or maybe I just wanna feel free with no obligation the way I used to.
Maybe things will get clearer when I leave for a while. Maybe the clouds will move out of my way.