(no subject)

[elegantnoise]

no editing. no erasing, deleting, rewording, spell checking. let me think out loud & i suppose if you have something to say, you should, because people should say what they think. i look around and notice that the people in my life tend to come & go & i should never have expectations. i shouldnt expect my family & friends to love me as if i may die tomorrow the way i love them. i shouldnt expect that they wont treat me badly as theyve taught me not to, through experience & deliberate action. i need to teach myself not to be sad at the things i cant change or the things that have yet to happen. i need to learn through living that being happy is the only thing that will allow me to. not just stay alive day in, day out, but live the way i want. live the life i want. its not yet planned out & thats the way i want it. but i want to be able to fully live. i wont worry anymore about the things that are out of my control or the things that have yet to be decided. i want to eventually be able to take things in stride and discontinue constant pressure on myself to be this person i may never be. the person i feel people want to be. i am myself. nothing more, nothing less. i need to accept that this is & always will be okay. in the backseat on the way to school today surrounded by some of the people i feel to be my lifelong friends, the people that may or may never leave, that i can only hope won't, i realized that no matter what happens i will always be me. grades will never determine that. how much i make & whether im a ceo or a 5 to 9 employee stuck in a cubicle wont matter. i will still be me. i feel lately as though ive been coming down off of some drug thats kept me blind. my eyes have been glassed over & ive been unable to see reality & how things really are. reality check. i look around & wonder how it is that i could dwell on the things in my life that dont appease me when there is so much in this life that i should be enjoying without worry, without anything. the times with the people i love is so valuable & ive only noticed quite recently. ive been so caught up ive blinded myself. im really starting to see that just because things arent exactly the way i want them to be doesnt mean that theyre not priceless. im starting to wake up. ive found someone i want to be with for however long things will last & all i can do is hope thats quite a while. i cant worry about how long that is, it will only interrupt. i cant worry about saying the right things or doing the rights things according to someone elses agenda. im sick of living for someone else. im finally becoming selfish which i think i deserve a bit of. i dont believe i should feel badly in any way for wantng to do things for me & no one else. so, im done. rambling or not i need to get these things out of my head more often. i wish i could scream them from the top of a mountain. and i can, and someday im sure i will. but until then i guess this is the place. my opinions are only my own & its about time i take responsibility for them. i will no longer adopt the thoughts of someone else, consequential or not.

i suppose thats all. im done for now. things have become simple & simply complicated. i like them both.