closure, rebuilding, building, and opening...

[elegantlywastd7]

so much is going on. the last time i wrote in here, me and anthony had just broken up. i was so hurt cuz i thought he would never hurt me. but alas, he did and he did it for another girl. leah. i hated her. i hated him. i didnt even know her. and now i feel like a bitch for hating her cuz she is such a sweet person. we are alot alike. anthony has good taste. him and i didnt speak for a while. we tried to be friends but it just hurted me more even though he didnt talk about leah in front of me, i still knew...i wasnt enough. then Big River auditions came around. and i saw him. alone. we talked and he convinced me (along with others) to still go to the banquet that he had invited me to about two months beforehand. lead was going to be there. and i was going to be there. alone. but i held me head high and didnt tell my friends that i was going. especially not tony or burrows, they would have killed me. but i took nicole with me to make my mask and i dressed up in a pretty little black dress and got all dolled up. i looked very nice and pretty. and i know i did. i was ignored though. not that i expected to be praised or anything. but i sat with tyler, gina, and aracely. and i talked to robin and rotchell. and i saw anthony win award after award and i clapped and wooted for him like a good friend does. and i watched him present leah with her "best chorus memeber" award. and i wanted to cry. but i keep holding my head up, even when jill took a picture of me and anthony. and i left. and i went to see shaun who told me i looked beautiful and i felt content. the most content feeling i ever had with shaun. but i was satisfied with him cuz even though it was nice of him to say that, i didnt want him too. i wanted anthony to. days passed and passed and we had Children of Eden callbacks. i didnt really talk to him there. honestly i cant really remember when i started talking to him again. but i know that i left shaun cuz i still loved ant. but we got back together. now we aren't, i dont really know why. it just ended. but truthfully, i'm so glad it's over. cuz we haven't talked since and i want to keep it that way. i dont really care why it ended. we didnt really have any closure but i dont care. not talking to him is closure enough. but me and anthony became closer and closer. i dont really know how. but we did. we talked all the time and we still had our amazing bond. chuck, a boy in children of eden with us, he plays Shem who is anthony's brother, started to take us to rehearsals out at Palo. so him and ant were over at my house all the time. and we formed a new trio. (dont worry Sarah...there is only one trio that will ever really matter and have a very special place in my heart)we all became very close and hung out a lot. we went and saw You're a Good Man Charlie Brown together and that night we had to help tyler break up his party. leah and anthony fought. and i took dana and her friend home while anthony took leah. i watched them as we pulled up to the house, making up by hugging and kissing. and i freaked out a little. the ride home was silent between me and chuck which sucked cuz i kinda like him. but after that night, me and leah became friends. we hang out and talk all the time now. i was trying to help her with anthony things. cuz after getting to know her, i wanted them to be together and stay together. like i said before, i only wanted him to be happy. and we are better off as friends. we are more open and playful. but now him and leah are over. and he after someone else. but that someone else is making him so incedibly happy, that i cant help but smile when i think of them. i am upset for leah cuz i know what she is going through and i know that she will be ok. hopefully her and ant will be like me and him, i know thats what he wants....by the way...all of this has happended in about 3 weeks or so.

i still love anthony and he knows that. leah still loves him and he knows that. he loves both of us, just not like that anymore. i'm ok with that, and i know leah will be ok with that soon. friendship is something that we all have to cherish. and not take for granted. falling is scary, but not falling is even scarier. better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all....

i hope this year will be better. last year sucked. except for a few people. ashley, steph, and sean are some of those ppl. i dont know what i do without them. i love them more than they know. and anthony. who inspires me as a person and a performer.and who just makes me laugh. and nicole who is my sister that destiny forgot to give me. and lauren who is my best friend. life is hard. love is harder. we all have to go through it though, and the only thing that makes it easy is the people that you choose to have beside you. i have shedded off the people who make me negative. i am finding out who i am without them and i like that person that i am. this year...will be better...cuz i am choosing to make it better. i have new friends, a new outlook, and a new attitude.

in closing, thank you. for everything everyone has done for me. for loving me, hating me, hurting me, helping me, spending time with me, and being there for me. all of it has made me a better person.