Sun day
I didn't know what I wanted to get out of this sunday. I didn't have any ambitions when I woke up in the morning, but instead, I found myself looking for an epiphany. I found myself looking around and seeing things differently. More than I have been seeing for quite some time now.
Maybe its the fact that the seasons have changed, and now the leaves are beautiful colors. Maybe it has something to do with how the autumn reflects my character right now, or how beautifully the reds and the auburns and oranges mix together in the trees and reflect in the lake. But I felt something different today.
I decided to go to church, which is totally out of character for me, but with my grandmother sick, I felt it was the least I could do, to pay a visit to the one place I feel most confused and most enlightened. I took my sisters with me and we sat in the aisle.
The pews were glistening with wooden finish and the chorus was already singing His praises. I didn't know how to feel, what I was looking for, or why I was there for the first time in many months. I sat down and tried to pick only the pretty sounds of the choir with my ears while trying hard to ignore the off key resinance of some high notes. I recalled my innocence.
Falling asleep on Daddy's shoulder during mass, wanting to bring in my stuffed animals, wanting to just play all day and not be subjected to this torturous hour where I had to dress my best and sit and pretend to listen. I looked around me.
I saw the tinyest petite fragment of a girl. She must have been around four. But her features were so delicate, and so very small. She was a picture, and her hair was light brown and it was tied up on the side with a purple bow, to match her outfit. Of course she clinged to her mommy's shoulder and stared in my direction as I looked upon the alter in hopes of finding God knows what. Her little blue eyes pierced into mine as she nibbled on cheerios from a small container. I watched her little fingers reach into the container and pull out the cereal snack one by one. In between the priest's sermon, and ironically everytime he took a pause, she would crunch fiercley on a cheerio. Almost as if she had it planned. She distracted my attention from this well intended lesson, but righfully so. This girl, so tiny that she could barely be seen from the back while sitting on her mother's lap, had such an innocence and power that she could have commanded the whole parish with one bite of her cheerio.
I knelt when I was supposed to, and prayed when i wanted to, but overall, felt more of a sense of peace than I had in a while. With my sisters by my side, I felt like I belonged again. There, in that church that I grew up falling asleep in my daddy's shoulder in, I felt home. Was it because of God's presence? Was it because I was familliar with the surroundings? Or was it still just the blending colors of the leaves outside? Would these questions be answered? I didn't think so. All i could do was sit there and pray. Pray for my grandmothers, pray for my parents and my sisters, my cousins, friends, and the love of my life. Despite of all my curiosity and questioning of religion. I had to sit there and thank God, because I had no one else to thank. I needed to thank Him and tell Him everything that has been going on in my mind, and ask him to heal me, because, I have no one else to turn to.
Maybe I'll find out what I believe soon. Maybe it won't be that big of a deal, Maybe the little girl distracting me from the sermon was a sign, a sign that the smallest fracture of a thing could distract you from what's really there, or what really isn't. Maybe it can distract you from belief in general. Maybe we need to get past this together. Me and my sisters. Me and my friends.
Maybe this metaphor is a sign that not just the leaves are changing, I as a person, am changing too.
Maybe I need to admit this now,
before i cast away any more of my beliefs.
I think I could believe in something if I just put more faith in myself first. Before anything else
Maybe its the fact that the seasons have changed, and now the leaves are beautiful colors. Maybe it has something to do with how the autumn reflects my character right now, or how beautifully the reds and the auburns and oranges mix together in the trees and reflect in the lake. But I felt something different today.
I decided to go to church, which is totally out of character for me, but with my grandmother sick, I felt it was the least I could do, to pay a visit to the one place I feel most confused and most enlightened. I took my sisters with me and we sat in the aisle.
The pews were glistening with wooden finish and the chorus was already singing His praises. I didn't know how to feel, what I was looking for, or why I was there for the first time in many months. I sat down and tried to pick only the pretty sounds of the choir with my ears while trying hard to ignore the off key resinance of some high notes. I recalled my innocence.
Falling asleep on Daddy's shoulder during mass, wanting to bring in my stuffed animals, wanting to just play all day and not be subjected to this torturous hour where I had to dress my best and sit and pretend to listen. I looked around me.
I saw the tinyest petite fragment of a girl. She must have been around four. But her features were so delicate, and so very small. She was a picture, and her hair was light brown and it was tied up on the side with a purple bow, to match her outfit. Of course she clinged to her mommy's shoulder and stared in my direction as I looked upon the alter in hopes of finding God knows what. Her little blue eyes pierced into mine as she nibbled on cheerios from a small container. I watched her little fingers reach into the container and pull out the cereal snack one by one. In between the priest's sermon, and ironically everytime he took a pause, she would crunch fiercley on a cheerio. Almost as if she had it planned. She distracted my attention from this well intended lesson, but righfully so. This girl, so tiny that she could barely be seen from the back while sitting on her mother's lap, had such an innocence and power that she could have commanded the whole parish with one bite of her cheerio.
I knelt when I was supposed to, and prayed when i wanted to, but overall, felt more of a sense of peace than I had in a while. With my sisters by my side, I felt like I belonged again. There, in that church that I grew up falling asleep in my daddy's shoulder in, I felt home. Was it because of God's presence? Was it because I was familliar with the surroundings? Or was it still just the blending colors of the leaves outside? Would these questions be answered? I didn't think so. All i could do was sit there and pray. Pray for my grandmothers, pray for my parents and my sisters, my cousins, friends, and the love of my life. Despite of all my curiosity and questioning of religion. I had to sit there and thank God, because I had no one else to thank. I needed to thank Him and tell Him everything that has been going on in my mind, and ask him to heal me, because, I have no one else to turn to.
Maybe I'll find out what I believe soon. Maybe it won't be that big of a deal, Maybe the little girl distracting me from the sermon was a sign, a sign that the smallest fracture of a thing could distract you from what's really there, or what really isn't. Maybe it can distract you from belief in general. Maybe we need to get past this together. Me and my sisters. Me and my friends.
Maybe this metaphor is a sign that not just the leaves are changing, I as a person, am changing too.
Maybe I need to admit this now,
before i cast away any more of my beliefs.
I think I could believe in something if I just put more faith in myself first. Before anything else