It's Been Awhile
I don't really write in journals very much. I always seem to start them with the best of intentions, but turning my feelings in to recorded words has never ended up being something I performed very much. I don't know, perhaps it's because I don't like the idea of reading back on my thoughts. Feelings change over time, and I can never seem to relate to them when I check back. And sometimes when I do, it terrifies me how some stuff just doesn't change. I'm also not a big fan of dwelling on subjects for too long. It causes unfortunate feelings that lead to unfortunate events, kind of why I don't listen to sad or slow music. But this is a situation where expression seems necessary to the survival of my sanity, given that I stopped making YouTube videos months ago when I realized I stopped making them for my own benefit and cared far too much about what other people would think of them.
An unfortunate (I seem to like that word a lot today) series of events yesterday with someone I considered dear several years ago caused me to lose the single only man I loved for the right reasons. Not to say I didn't love people before, but when it came to boyfriends gone and passed, I just couldn't be IN love with any of them, if that made any sense. With Alex for example, like pretty much all of my relationships, it was a co-dependent relationship. Of course we loved each other, we'd known each other for seven years, how could we not? But there wasn't much sexual attraction on either end, and both of us stayed together mostly out of fear of being alone. He thought he was doomed to spend eternity alone, I thought I was doomed to spend eternity alone. I overlooked many qualities of him that I couldn't stand simply because I was afraid to do what I knew I had to do. We talked many times of ending our relationship and why it would be right but somehow we just decided to stick it out and we convinced ourselves that we were in love. When we finally did break up, things really hit the fan, so instead of taking the chance to break up amicably before, it had to turn in to the biggest shit-storm I'd ever endured in a relationship.
As a result of a series of these types of relationships and masochistic behavior, and because everyone in my family is quite possibly the worst example of why two people should get married, I stopped believing in the idea of marriage. It just seemed to be this legal piece of paper that two people used to trap someone else to them so it'd be more difficult to leave. Although these days you could get divorced in 24 hours, so perhaps that statement doesn't hold much truth in it anymore. I didn't know Jon very long, but we fell in love rather quickly, and whatever any psychic told me or whatever I asked some wiccan pendulum, without all of that confirmation I still knew from the first time he kissed me that he was the one. But unfortunately as these seemingly movie-like love stories go, it was way too complicated and two women vied for the full attention of only one man and it became too impossible to deal with. And now he's gone back to a province that he viewed as some kind of Hell-like wasteland where life will be a little less complicated. I begged, but now I know it couldn't have worked with the way it was. I was the first person he said "I love you" to first, and he was the first person I loved to whom I could truthfully say his happiness would come before mine.
I do hope he's happy, and if not now, I hope he finds it. There's not a single person in the world who deserves it more than he does. I was accused of monopolizing time, which perhaps was true, but it wasn't done on purpose. The happiness I felt around him just felt amazing, because for the first time in years, I didn't need some pharmaceutical medicine to make me laugh and smile and want to get up in the morning. So naturally I just wanted to spend a lot of time with him. I suppose its like drugs in that effect. You enjoy the high so much you just want to re-create it over and over again. Though that is what I do best I suppose, I go overboard with the things I enjoy, drugs were on that list once upon a time. I wish I had been a little more observant about that fact when it was occurring, but I wasn't, and I can't really sit around pretending to be Cher, singing about "If I could turn back time", because I know I can't. So I suppose I just have to deal with the consequences and figure out some way to pick up the pieces and figure out what to do next.
I don't normally believe in prayer, but I suppose thats what you could call focusing your energy on hoping for something better. So, I pray that Jon is happy. I pray that he'll have all the luck and joy in the world he deserves. I pray he won't forget about me, and that he'll still love me, and think about me from time to time. I pray that yesterday won't be the last day I see him, and that the last time I spend with him won't be me crumpled up, a hideous blonde mess, bawling my eyes out on his shoulder and begging him not to go. I pray that he forgives me. I pray that he continues his music, and that he does well, because he's so talented he deserves all the success in the world. I believed in him so much when it came to that, and many other things. I pray that other people, too, can experience the pure joy and happiness that he brings, that he brought me. And I pray that I will again feel happiness that isn't induced by drugs. Because that felt really, really good.
An unfortunate (I seem to like that word a lot today) series of events yesterday with someone I considered dear several years ago caused me to lose the single only man I loved for the right reasons. Not to say I didn't love people before, but when it came to boyfriends gone and passed, I just couldn't be IN love with any of them, if that made any sense. With Alex for example, like pretty much all of my relationships, it was a co-dependent relationship. Of course we loved each other, we'd known each other for seven years, how could we not? But there wasn't much sexual attraction on either end, and both of us stayed together mostly out of fear of being alone. He thought he was doomed to spend eternity alone, I thought I was doomed to spend eternity alone. I overlooked many qualities of him that I couldn't stand simply because I was afraid to do what I knew I had to do. We talked many times of ending our relationship and why it would be right but somehow we just decided to stick it out and we convinced ourselves that we were in love. When we finally did break up, things really hit the fan, so instead of taking the chance to break up amicably before, it had to turn in to the biggest shit-storm I'd ever endured in a relationship.
As a result of a series of these types of relationships and masochistic behavior, and because everyone in my family is quite possibly the worst example of why two people should get married, I stopped believing in the idea of marriage. It just seemed to be this legal piece of paper that two people used to trap someone else to them so it'd be more difficult to leave. Although these days you could get divorced in 24 hours, so perhaps that statement doesn't hold much truth in it anymore. I didn't know Jon very long, but we fell in love rather quickly, and whatever any psychic told me or whatever I asked some wiccan pendulum, without all of that confirmation I still knew from the first time he kissed me that he was the one. But unfortunately as these seemingly movie-like love stories go, it was way too complicated and two women vied for the full attention of only one man and it became too impossible to deal with. And now he's gone back to a province that he viewed as some kind of Hell-like wasteland where life will be a little less complicated. I begged, but now I know it couldn't have worked with the way it was. I was the first person he said "I love you" to first, and he was the first person I loved to whom I could truthfully say his happiness would come before mine.
I do hope he's happy, and if not now, I hope he finds it. There's not a single person in the world who deserves it more than he does. I was accused of monopolizing time, which perhaps was true, but it wasn't done on purpose. The happiness I felt around him just felt amazing, because for the first time in years, I didn't need some pharmaceutical medicine to make me laugh and smile and want to get up in the morning. So naturally I just wanted to spend a lot of time with him. I suppose its like drugs in that effect. You enjoy the high so much you just want to re-create it over and over again. Though that is what I do best I suppose, I go overboard with the things I enjoy, drugs were on that list once upon a time. I wish I had been a little more observant about that fact when it was occurring, but I wasn't, and I can't really sit around pretending to be Cher, singing about "If I could turn back time", because I know I can't. So I suppose I just have to deal with the consequences and figure out some way to pick up the pieces and figure out what to do next.
I don't normally believe in prayer, but I suppose thats what you could call focusing your energy on hoping for something better. So, I pray that Jon is happy. I pray that he'll have all the luck and joy in the world he deserves. I pray he won't forget about me, and that he'll still love me, and think about me from time to time. I pray that yesterday won't be the last day I see him, and that the last time I spend with him won't be me crumpled up, a hideous blonde mess, bawling my eyes out on his shoulder and begging him not to go. I pray that he forgives me. I pray that he continues his music, and that he does well, because he's so talented he deserves all the success in the world. I believed in him so much when it came to that, and many other things. I pray that other people, too, can experience the pure joy and happiness that he brings, that he brought me. And I pray that I will again feel happiness that isn't induced by drugs. Because that felt really, really good.