Chasing Pavement and Traveling Light....
While journaling yesterday, absentmindedly and trying to feel connected to the God I love and reconcile him to the life that occasionally feels very out of my control, I came across this quote:
"If you wish to travel far and fast, travel light. Take off all your envies, jealousies, unforgiveness, selfishness and fears. "
Cesare Pavese (1908-1950)
Really, Cesare?
Because I'm getting ready to travel far and fast, and I didn't even realize those additional weights, sitting like excess weight, about me. I am somewhat aware of my ever so charming neuroses, body consciousness issues, insecurities, and needs to love and be loved. But I don't know if I can let them go. I don't know if I want to let them go.
And to whom? my brain screamed. I knew the answer, but the metaphysical idea of surrendering my feelings to a Deity I worship but occasionally doubt the existence of is less than facile.
It's been an odd week or so. I came back from Mexico changed and humbled, yet tired and disoriented. I've given my 30 day notice, cleaned out my classroom, begun active apartment searching, tried to learn to say goodbye to thins and people I love, and made eighteen mistakes along the way. I pulled or strained or stretched a ligament(s) in my right foot, embarrassingly, then decided to run and play football in a silly display of masculinity. I've been hobbling about a bit this week, but now I'm bandaged up and after a lengthy trip to the X-Ray technician, apparently I'm not as bad as I feared, which is indeed a pleasant update.
If you want to travel fast and light....
How?
What does that mean?
What do I have to give up to the smiling, unflappably loving Deity, who irritatingly accepts me when I dont' want it?
I don't want to leave, but now I know I have to. This is what I was meant to do, this is my calling, this is my life plan. It's just so hard to exist simultaneously in two worlds at once, an irony not lost on a biracial child who's spent the last seven years existing between San Diego and Los Angeles. I dont' know how to transition, I just know I'm 'sposed to.
I'm going to miss so many things. I'm going to miss the ease. The security. The comfort of knowing simple things from Cafe 1134 to Cuyamaca to City College to Club Aero. Of knowing my local cement rivers, Won Sikhs-Tithree, Fyfe, Hayght O'Fyfe, and the Hayght. Of moving between FPS, Ethnos, UCSD, and the like with relative security.
Things make sense here.
God, it's hard and scary. And I know God is good and big and marvelous and all, but I'm so afraid of what I don't know.
I've been greatly enjoying reading The Host by Stephanie Meyer. It's a bit science fictiony, and a little over the top (a bit like Animorphs for the grown-up set), but I love the discussions of displacement, hope, emotion, simultaneously existing, and the like. I am enjoying the story, and the chance to feel what this loss is the main character is experiencing, of dying to one experience, yet living still to another. Odd.
All I got for now.
"If you wish to travel far and fast, travel light. Take off all your envies, jealousies, unforgiveness, selfishness and fears. "
Cesare Pavese (1908-1950)
Really, Cesare?
Because I'm getting ready to travel far and fast, and I didn't even realize those additional weights, sitting like excess weight, about me. I am somewhat aware of my ever so charming neuroses, body consciousness issues, insecurities, and needs to love and be loved. But I don't know if I can let them go. I don't know if I want to let them go.
And to whom? my brain screamed. I knew the answer, but the metaphysical idea of surrendering my feelings to a Deity I worship but occasionally doubt the existence of is less than facile.
It's been an odd week or so. I came back from Mexico changed and humbled, yet tired and disoriented. I've given my 30 day notice, cleaned out my classroom, begun active apartment searching, tried to learn to say goodbye to thins and people I love, and made eighteen mistakes along the way. I pulled or strained or stretched a ligament(s) in my right foot, embarrassingly, then decided to run and play football in a silly display of masculinity. I've been hobbling about a bit this week, but now I'm bandaged up and after a lengthy trip to the X-Ray technician, apparently I'm not as bad as I feared, which is indeed a pleasant update.
If you want to travel fast and light....
How?
What does that mean?
What do I have to give up to the smiling, unflappably loving Deity, who irritatingly accepts me when I dont' want it?
I don't want to leave, but now I know I have to. This is what I was meant to do, this is my calling, this is my life plan. It's just so hard to exist simultaneously in two worlds at once, an irony not lost on a biracial child who's spent the last seven years existing between San Diego and Los Angeles. I dont' know how to transition, I just know I'm 'sposed to.
I'm going to miss so many things. I'm going to miss the ease. The security. The comfort of knowing simple things from Cafe 1134 to Cuyamaca to City College to Club Aero. Of knowing my local cement rivers, Won Sikhs-Tithree, Fyfe, Hayght O'Fyfe, and the Hayght. Of moving between FPS, Ethnos, UCSD, and the like with relative security.
Things make sense here.
God, it's hard and scary. And I know God is good and big and marvelous and all, but I'm so afraid of what I don't know.
I've been greatly enjoying reading The Host by Stephanie Meyer. It's a bit science fictiony, and a little over the top (a bit like Animorphs for the grown-up set), but I love the discussions of displacement, hope, emotion, simultaneously existing, and the like. I am enjoying the story, and the chance to feel what this loss is the main character is experiencing, of dying to one experience, yet living still to another. Odd.
All I got for now.