Another Day, Another Scholar
"Tyrone Howard Tallie, Jr., MA, PhD is no better a teacher, no better a person, and no better a Christian than Teejles the awkward jr. higher."
--Kevin Butt, on me and my internal motivations.
Well that was abrupt, to the point, and entirely necessary. Welcome to another chapter in the momentous life of T.J. Tallie. (ha, yeah right).
I've got roughly a month left in my master's degree career, I'm going to job interviews at schools in Inglewood and San Diego, and I'm worried about...everything and nothing at the same time. Im disappointed in myself, painfully aware of the false constrctions of control and capability, and on top of that, i cant' even control my weird dreadlocks.
I have a Spanish translation exam next week, and I'm vaguely nervous que no puedo tranducir suficientemente for the exam. In fact, I'm stressed and out of sorts about a lot of things. My relationship with God is a bit tenuous and rocky, I have an interview in inglewood for an all Catholic girls high school on Monday, my brain is a twisted jumble of caffeine and carbs, and i'm wondering why i'm so nervous about work i can finish in the mean time and a phantom future i just cant' seem to reach.
I sit here at Pannkin Del Mar, the ultimate expression of white middle class self indulgence, where "cool moms" in track suits and designer sneakers that match their lip gloss and offset their frosted bangs and botox injections engage in small talk with the other elite of Gringolandia. I in my ironic tshirt and 'grownup' glasses, am frequently haunted by what Proust would call À La Recherche du Temps Perdu...the memory of things past, what I wish to hold onto, leave behind, and what I see in myself as imminently lacking. Today, i have little taste for denial or lying, so I have only done a little homework; one can only channel one's frustrations into socially productive means for so long, darlings.
Sun God came and went with little fanfare on my part. I find that most of my emotional responses to things have been muted lately, and events that are 'special' have felt slightly routine of late: my birthday, Easter, Day of Silence, now Sun God festival. I don't know, things feel a little ....different lately. Dont' know what's going on, dont' know where I'm going. I miss two years ago when my world was so resolute, determined and obviously going somewhere. Things may not have been perfect, but I was cognizant and determined, damnit, and those days come so much less frequently now.
As usual life continues to be bizarre. On the shuttle ride to campus yesterday, I encoutnered the Bacchanalian joys of Sun God first hand as the entire shuttle rapidly filled with drunken students. I had to smile as one guy fell over onto the seat next to me, asked me if I was Mexican, spoke to me in halting, confused Spanish, then slapped his friend, who took a flash photo of the both of us. Life in my world is often too surreal for words.
I've also pulled together my final master's committee, with three fo my favourite professors here at UCSD: Deborah Hertz, Cynthia Truant, and Pamela Radcliff. All of them have meant a lot to me, and I apprecaite them sitting on my committee, grading my final oral exit exam. It's a weird sense of closure here at UCSD, and reminds me that I want to study very particular things and I'm so much further along in conceptualizing myself as an academic and historian than I was last year. I'm grateful for the opportunity, for the advice, and the appreciation. It's trippy.. Really.
I'm driving up to L.A. tonight for Mother's Day and my interview, then it's really nonstop until the screaming silence of post-graduation. What do I do after that? Really, what do I do? Sigh, wish i knew.
I have plans, but it's hard to see where I'm going with them. God only knows, but sometimes he's not as forthcoming as I'd wish.
Well truly enough of blathering at the moment. I occasionally grouse at a lack of comments, which reveals my oh so needy desire for responses, but I also just love the cathartic measure of posting these little thigns out into the atmosphere of the internet to see what happens. It's like my life has become a series of time capsules, buried in the sands of internet ether. Weird.
Anyhow, friends, till next time.
--Kevin Butt, on me and my internal motivations.
Well that was abrupt, to the point, and entirely necessary. Welcome to another chapter in the momentous life of T.J. Tallie. (ha, yeah right).
I've got roughly a month left in my master's degree career, I'm going to job interviews at schools in Inglewood and San Diego, and I'm worried about...everything and nothing at the same time. Im disappointed in myself, painfully aware of the false constrctions of control and capability, and on top of that, i cant' even control my weird dreadlocks.
I have a Spanish translation exam next week, and I'm vaguely nervous que no puedo tranducir suficientemente for the exam. In fact, I'm stressed and out of sorts about a lot of things. My relationship with God is a bit tenuous and rocky, I have an interview in inglewood for an all Catholic girls high school on Monday, my brain is a twisted jumble of caffeine and carbs, and i'm wondering why i'm so nervous about work i can finish in the mean time and a phantom future i just cant' seem to reach.
I sit here at Pannkin Del Mar, the ultimate expression of white middle class self indulgence, where "cool moms" in track suits and designer sneakers that match their lip gloss and offset their frosted bangs and botox injections engage in small talk with the other elite of Gringolandia. I in my ironic tshirt and 'grownup' glasses, am frequently haunted by what Proust would call À La Recherche du Temps Perdu...the memory of things past, what I wish to hold onto, leave behind, and what I see in myself as imminently lacking. Today, i have little taste for denial or lying, so I have only done a little homework; one can only channel one's frustrations into socially productive means for so long, darlings.
Sun God came and went with little fanfare on my part. I find that most of my emotional responses to things have been muted lately, and events that are 'special' have felt slightly routine of late: my birthday, Easter, Day of Silence, now Sun God festival. I don't know, things feel a little ....different lately. Dont' know what's going on, dont' know where I'm going. I miss two years ago when my world was so resolute, determined and obviously going somewhere. Things may not have been perfect, but I was cognizant and determined, damnit, and those days come so much less frequently now.
As usual life continues to be bizarre. On the shuttle ride to campus yesterday, I encoutnered the Bacchanalian joys of Sun God first hand as the entire shuttle rapidly filled with drunken students. I had to smile as one guy fell over onto the seat next to me, asked me if I was Mexican, spoke to me in halting, confused Spanish, then slapped his friend, who took a flash photo of the both of us. Life in my world is often too surreal for words.
I've also pulled together my final master's committee, with three fo my favourite professors here at UCSD: Deborah Hertz, Cynthia Truant, and Pamela Radcliff. All of them have meant a lot to me, and I apprecaite them sitting on my committee, grading my final oral exit exam. It's a weird sense of closure here at UCSD, and reminds me that I want to study very particular things and I'm so much further along in conceptualizing myself as an academic and historian than I was last year. I'm grateful for the opportunity, for the advice, and the appreciation. It's trippy.. Really.
I'm driving up to L.A. tonight for Mother's Day and my interview, then it's really nonstop until the screaming silence of post-graduation. What do I do after that? Really, what do I do? Sigh, wish i knew.
I have plans, but it's hard to see where I'm going with them. God only knows, but sometimes he's not as forthcoming as I'd wish.
Well truly enough of blathering at the moment. I occasionally grouse at a lack of comments, which reveals my oh so needy desire for responses, but I also just love the cathartic measure of posting these little thigns out into the atmosphere of the internet to see what happens. It's like my life has become a series of time capsules, buried in the sands of internet ether. Weird.
Anyhow, friends, till next time.