the first time it happened
i arrived in the room. two dirty red sofas and a few old chairs arranged around a coffee table littered with empty cans and full ashtrays. i sit on the end of one sofa, furthest away from the doorway. everyone is at a different heights because of the chairs and the sofas. man stands up in front of the coffee table facing me. he has short blond hair that you can almost see through and his clothes are rough and dirty. they are fighting clothes. heavy boots and t shirt stained and stretched in places. he is aggressive but he seems to want to joke with the group. he is the one that stands out amongst the men. what i must do as a new person is clear. no body questions his stories or jokes, each person laughs as they have laughed always. i must question something, to reap the laughter of the crowd and the attention of the blond man. 'that's because you're a dickhead...' is what i say at the end of his story. i say it in way as to indicate that i am fond of him. the people on the other couch to the side of the coffee table look at each other and laugh. he stands in front of the coffee table facing me with blond hair that i can see through and he stares directly into my eyes. he has a smile on his face that is like a finger in the hole of a bursting dam. i can see it in the corners of his mouth. lips quiver under the pressure. but he lets it subside and i am grateful. the scene repeats. the swell is too much this time and the force breaks the dam. he lets out a mongrel cross of a laugh and a sigh. turns his head to the side. his face is given time to adjust. he turns back towards me putting one foot beside me on the sofa. he leans in to me left arm resting by my chest on his knee right hand next to my head on the back of the sofa. he looks at me to intimidate me. i turn my glance passed the side of his head. there is a person lying on the floor. their face has been badly smashed and thick blood sticks in their hair. it is shiny and looks sweet. i can taste the smoke on his breath. he is almost lying on me inches away at every protruding point of my body. i can feel the potential of his body. i know his muscles are clenched. i am not afraid. this is what i aimed for, i am standing out amongst those on the chairs and sofas. i must make the right moves to be the exception to his rule.