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I've never thought that there would be a day I'd be writing this here and I can no longer put into words the amount of pain that remorse and love had caused, but each day is a living hell. This space, that used to hold so much love and joy, reminds me of nothing but love lost and pain. Pain, and more pain. It used to be somewhere I loved so much, it made up my entire world. I'm ashamed to say I'm as good as an empty shell now because I've lost all of me.
I never knew forgiving oneself is such an arduous task and I never knew that there'd be a day that I would have to learn to forgive myself. It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go. Everywhere has traces of us, of us when I was 17 and of things we loved doing together so much and the simplest of pleasures we derived from things. I don't know about the others, but I know that these three and a half years consists of too much memories that I can never for an instance, leave it to the back of my mind. Too much of thick and thin that we've been through together and not to mention, 7 years of growing up together and entering different phases of life.
My mind is like a broken recorder, and my few favourite memories of us that has been on repeat mode involuntarily:
- When we'd travel all the way to buy our kites and sell them together
- When we used to lie on the ground at Yishun Dam in the midst of the night reminiscing about the past and planning our future
- When you used to ride me back to your house on your bicycle before you had your car
- When we crouched on the ground to scribble our wishes on the Kong Ming Lantern for your 23rd birthday, of which we both wished for everlasting happiness for us both and I teared while watching the lantern send our wishes up into the sky
- When we stood at Victoria Peak (Hong Kong) and I wanted to cry because we couldnt get the tickets to go to the peak because of the crowd and you bought me cup of Haagen Dazs to cheer me up and gave me the warmest hug in the cold
- When we could practically do nothing for the entire day but I feel happiness radiating through my entire soul and I'd turn to you and whisper that I'm extremely happy despite not having done anything for the day. And you, would plant a kiss on my forehead telling me that whatever makes me happy makes your smile too.
- Whenever we're overseas and we roam the streets on our own and I'd turn and tell you that I actually have no idea where am I, and you'd always say, " Why do you have to worry when I'm with you? I'll bring you around, just hold onto me silly girl."
..... I don't know why I'm writing this all out. My thoughts are incoherent and I can fall asleep the moment my head hits the pillow. I can't think straight and I cant even be bothered to phrase my tenses right but I just wanna write out how I feel before all these pent up frustrations kill me. What pains me the most is knowing that I may never experience the innocence and pure bliss that radiates from the inner depths of my soul and tingles in my toes because I'm positive I can never experience the same feeling with anyone else anymore.
I never knew forgiving oneself is such an arduous task and I never knew that there'd be a day that I would have to learn to forgive myself. It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go. Everywhere has traces of us, of us when I was 17 and of things we loved doing together so much and the simplest of pleasures we derived from things. I don't know about the others, but I know that these three and a half years consists of too much memories that I can never for an instance, leave it to the back of my mind. Too much of thick and thin that we've been through together and not to mention, 7 years of growing up together and entering different phases of life.
My mind is like a broken recorder, and my few favourite memories of us that has been on repeat mode involuntarily:
- When we'd travel all the way to buy our kites and sell them together
- When we used to lie on the ground at Yishun Dam in the midst of the night reminiscing about the past and planning our future
- When you used to ride me back to your house on your bicycle before you had your car
- When we crouched on the ground to scribble our wishes on the Kong Ming Lantern for your 23rd birthday, of which we both wished for everlasting happiness for us both and I teared while watching the lantern send our wishes up into the sky
- When we stood at Victoria Peak (Hong Kong) and I wanted to cry because we couldnt get the tickets to go to the peak because of the crowd and you bought me cup of Haagen Dazs to cheer me up and gave me the warmest hug in the cold
- When we could practically do nothing for the entire day but I feel happiness radiating through my entire soul and I'd turn to you and whisper that I'm extremely happy despite not having done anything for the day. And you, would plant a kiss on my forehead telling me that whatever makes me happy makes your smile too.
- Whenever we're overseas and we roam the streets on our own and I'd turn and tell you that I actually have no idea where am I, and you'd always say, " Why do you have to worry when I'm with you? I'll bring you around, just hold onto me silly girl."
..... I don't know why I'm writing this all out. My thoughts are incoherent and I can fall asleep the moment my head hits the pillow. I can't think straight and I cant even be bothered to phrase my tenses right but I just wanna write out how I feel before all these pent up frustrations kill me. What pains me the most is knowing that I may never experience the innocence and pure bliss that radiates from the inner depths of my soul and tingles in my toes because I'm positive I can never experience the same feeling with anyone else anymore.