(no subject)
I am so ridiculously tragically hip that I almost overdosed on caffeine last night. Could I BE any more pathetic? Everyone else drunk themselves silly and I sat their drinking stupid amounts of strong black coffee and chainsmoking Marlborough.
In retrospect, it would probably have been a better idea to drink. I felt like I should have stayed to look after a friend who was stuck with their head down the toilet, vomitting to high heaven, but I had to go home. I couldn't stop shaking for hours, and my eyes swelled up and I was having trouble breathing because some people had decided to throw peanuts around. Stupid allergies. DAMN YOU LEGUMES! DAMN YOU!
It did occurr to me last night, though, how much I have grown up.. matured.. .... changed since about this time last year.
Almost to the day, last year: blacking out on vodka, a friend who has never forgiven me, and I was a lot thinner back then. My hair was nicer too.
In the general area of time: Fucking up forever a friendship with someone who meant the world to me. He's going out with a very very special girl now. (Yes Lauren, that means you.) They are perfect together, you couldn't wish for things to work out better. I guess things always work out in the end.
I have changed. I am less naive. I no longer assume that everyone else in the world has the same.. values (?) as me..
I'm not entirely sure if that's the word I want to use. I think I always used to assume that everyone else sort of.. wasn't coming at things with their own motives, their own planned outcomes.
I don't believe in destiny, I don't believe in fate. I don't believe in planning ahead, making my life into a game of chess, evaluating everything. I don't believe in mediating myself, I don't believe in acting one way and thinking another.
And it always kind of shocks me to realise that a lot of other people do.
One question:
When someone is saying negative things about a person, behind their back, it should be presumed they have an ulterior motive, right? They must know that the you're going to find out, unless they're even more self absorbed than they seem. So presumably, the only reason they would bitch is in some half hearted attempt to change other peoples opinions. Maybe if they were more forthcoming about themselves, rather than spending so much time mocking someone else, people would take them more seriously. Just a thought.
I am not good at playing the victim. Little girls with pink party dresses who want to show off their panties, should find another doll to stick their pins into.
And they should also bear in mind that just because someone chooses not to react, doesn't mean that they are incapable of it.
I think the one most obvious change over the past year or so, is that I have realised how little I actually care about many many peoples opinions. I can almost count on one hand, the number of people whos respect I actually GIVE A SHIT about. That's an awful lot less people than this time last year. (And interestingly, not many of those people are the same.)
I have my closest friends, the people I tell everything to. And they aren't the only people I care about, not by far, not by a longshot.. but they are the people, the only people, whos opinions matter. Theirs is the only approval I seek.
They are the ones I love, and they know who they are.
In retrospect, it would probably have been a better idea to drink. I felt like I should have stayed to look after a friend who was stuck with their head down the toilet, vomitting to high heaven, but I had to go home. I couldn't stop shaking for hours, and my eyes swelled up and I was having trouble breathing because some people had decided to throw peanuts around. Stupid allergies. DAMN YOU LEGUMES! DAMN YOU!
It did occurr to me last night, though, how much I have grown up.. matured.. .... changed since about this time last year.
Almost to the day, last year: blacking out on vodka, a friend who has never forgiven me, and I was a lot thinner back then. My hair was nicer too.
In the general area of time: Fucking up forever a friendship with someone who meant the world to me. He's going out with a very very special girl now. (Yes Lauren, that means you.) They are perfect together, you couldn't wish for things to work out better. I guess things always work out in the end.
I have changed. I am less naive. I no longer assume that everyone else in the world has the same.. values (?) as me..
I'm not entirely sure if that's the word I want to use. I think I always used to assume that everyone else sort of.. wasn't coming at things with their own motives, their own planned outcomes.
I don't believe in destiny, I don't believe in fate. I don't believe in planning ahead, making my life into a game of chess, evaluating everything. I don't believe in mediating myself, I don't believe in acting one way and thinking another.
And it always kind of shocks me to realise that a lot of other people do.
One question:
When someone is saying negative things about a person, behind their back, it should be presumed they have an ulterior motive, right? They must know that the you're going to find out, unless they're even more self absorbed than they seem. So presumably, the only reason they would bitch is in some half hearted attempt to change other peoples opinions. Maybe if they were more forthcoming about themselves, rather than spending so much time mocking someone else, people would take them more seriously. Just a thought.
I am not good at playing the victim. Little girls with pink party dresses who want to show off their panties, should find another doll to stick their pins into.
And they should also bear in mind that just because someone chooses not to react, doesn't mean that they are incapable of it.
I think the one most obvious change over the past year or so, is that I have realised how little I actually care about many many peoples opinions. I can almost count on one hand, the number of people whos respect I actually GIVE A SHIT about. That's an awful lot less people than this time last year. (And interestingly, not many of those people are the same.)
I have my closest friends, the people I tell everything to. And they aren't the only people I care about, not by far, not by a longshot.. but they are the people, the only people, whos opinions matter. Theirs is the only approval I seek.
They are the ones I love, and they know who they are.