Fic: As Long As I Have (6/?)
Once they had taken the children inside, David had settled on the sofa between his mother and uncle and soon fallen asleep, his sobs fading until he was silent. Ianto shifted awkwardly and stood up, heaving his nephew into his arms. It wasn’t the most practical of things to do, David wasn’t as small as he had once been and it had been years since Ianto had last carried him to bed. That seemed like a life time ago. It was before Mica was born, before Torchwood, before Jack.
Rhiannon followed Ianto up the stairs, Mica close behind her, and Ianto waited by his bedroom door for Rhiannon to open it. He lay David in the middle of the bed and pulled the covers over him, glad that they hadn’t bothered to make it that morning. Mica silently clambered up onto the bed beside her brother, curling up with him. Rhiannon watched her children while Ianto glanced about the room. He frowned at Jack’s washing strewn over the floor and hoped Rhiannon wouldn’t comment.
Her voice was quiet when she turned away from the children to look at him, “He’s barely slept since those soldiers came in...”
“I’m sorry,” Ianto said, sliding his hands into his pockets, “About all this, I never meant for you to be dragged into it all.”
Rhiannon nodded and moved to him, placing a hand on his arm. “Oh, Ianto,” she said, mothering him as always. “I don’t know what you’ve got yourself mixed up in these days. You’ll get yourself killed.”
Ianto wanted to smile but he didn’t, it was the easiest way to cope, but it would be the wrong thing here, so he kept staring straight ahead of him, letting Rhiannon do the talking.
“He seems nice though,” she said. “Jack, I mean. A bit messy though,” she grinned at him and Ianto rolled his eyes.
“He’ll learn to pick up his clothes one day,” Ianto said, knowing it wasn’t true. A smile played on his lips as he looked at Rhiannon.
“He’s very handsome, Susan was right about that.”
“I have got good taste, Rhiannon,” Ianto told her, grinning. There was something about the way she was talking and the look in her eyes that took him back ten years, that made him feel like the boy whose biggest worry was what he’d wear out with his mates and whether or not Rhiannon would try and make him babysit at the weekend. It made him feel safe and at ease and he let her wind her arm around him in the overprotective way she always had.
“He’s older than I was expecting,” she told him and he hid a smirk. You have no idea, he thought, but didn’t say it, just hummed in agreement.
“So,” said Rhiannon, moving to sit on the edge of the bed beside the sleeping children. “Tell me all about him. Start at the beginning. Where’d you meet?”
Jack watched as Alice wiped the last of the blood from Steven’s face and lifted him down off the table. He was quieter than usual, the fight with David had clearly thrown him. Jack reached over and ruffled his hair lightly, “Why don’t you go watch the TV, buddy? Let your mom and I talk.”
Steven nodded and lifted the book he had been reading earlier from the kitchen table, taking it with him. Jack smiled and turned to Alice once Steven was gone. They looked at each other for a long moment before Jack broke the silence. “I heard you talking to Ianto.”
“You did?” She leaned against the counter, her hands behind her.
Jack nodded and perched on the kitchen table, “He means a lot to me, Alice.”
“I can see that,” she started, “But Dad, I know what you can be like. I’ve seen first hand what falling in love with you can do to a person.”
“This is different,” Jack told her, his eyes dropping to the ground guiltily. “I made mistakes where your mom was concerned. But it was different, not like this, I...”
“Loving you was the worst thing that happened to her and you don’t understand how much you affect people, how much you change their lives. You make everything wonderful and then you leave and everything crumbles.”
Jack shook his head. “Loving me wasn’t the worst thing to happen to your mother,” he told her, standing up and putting his hands into his pockets as he spoke, “It gave her you. There were a lot of things about me that made her angry, a lot of things that she hated. But it was worth it all for you.”
“You don’t get to do that now, to act like the doting father thirty years on.” She shook her head at him.
“Alice, I know that things didn’t pan out well there, and I understand why it makes you angry. I understand why you don’t want me around and why you think it’s better I stay away... but please don’t try to destroy what little I have got to cling to.”
“I wasn’t trying to ruin anything, I just think he should know, before you leave him with nothing.”
“I won’t. Not him.” He sighed, “It’s ridiculous. He’s so young and I’ll still have to say goodbye years before I’m ready to. But he’s the best thing to happen to me in so long, I don’t want to lose him before I have to.”
Alice nodded. “I don’t think you realise how far you get under people’s skin, Dad. I could tell him the worst of you and he would still stay.”
“He knows, Alice.” Jack told her, staring at the ground, “He know the worst things about me and he’s still here.”
They watched each other for a moment before Jack rose, moving across the room and turning on the kettle for something to do. He pulled out mugs and tea bags, knowing better than to touch Ianto’s coffee maker. He didn’t speak again until he handed Alice a mug of tea. “I left him once before,” he admitted, quietly. “A while ago.”
“Why?” Alice asked, sipping her tea.
“It... it was something I had to do. But I came back...” He stared into his mug, knowing that just coming back wasn’t enough. “And he forgave me. He let me show him that I cared enough not to leave him again and now... we’re together.” He let out a breath. “It’s... different. With Ianto, he... It’s been a long time since I’ve been anything close to serious with anyone. Since I’ve let anyone in like this.”
“Since Mum?” Alice asked, and Jack saw a flash of the eight year old girl she had once been in her eyes.
“I didn’t even let your mom as close as this.” He looked at her. “I know that’s not what you want to hear, but it’s true.”
“So you’ll stay with him,” Alice said, watching him, “But what happens if he leaves?”
“What...?” Jack swallowed hard. It wasn’t a possibility he wanted to entertain.
“He says now that he wants you for the rest of his life, but what happens when he’s fifty and you haven’t aged a day? What happens if he gets bitter and resents you for it, Dad? What happens to you then if you let him in too much?”
“I’ll cope,” he swallowed again, “I always cope.” He gave her a pointed look. “It wouldn’t be the first time I’d been shut out of someone I love’s life.”
Alice cast her eyes to the floor. “It isn’t as simple as that,” she said first, and then looked up at him. “I know you think I hate you, but I don’t.” She bit her lip. “I don’t want to see you get hurt, and you will. Even if you stay with him until the day he dies, Dad, he’ll break you eventually.”
“Everyone does, Alice. That’s always going to happen, but I can’t refuse to form attachments to keep myself from getting hurt. Believe me, I’ve tried it, and this is better. Being with him, and knowing I’ll lose him, that’s better than not being with him at all.”
For a while, neither of them said anything, both lost in their own thoughts. Alice broke the silence, look at him as she spoke. “It’s not that I don’t like him,” Alice told him. “He seems nice, and he saved Steven, I’ll always be grateful to him for that.” There was a sorrowful, pained look in her eyes that sent a shot of guilt straight through Jack’s heart. Steven was the most important thing in the universe to Alice and she had almost lost him. He contemplated what he could say to reassure her that Steven was okay, but she knew and he didn’t need to speak.
“Dad,” she said, and the sadness was gone from her face, replaced with something that verged on anger. “Steven’s alive and he’s okay, but he could have died, he would have died if it wasn’t for Ianto.” Jack let her go on speaking, she was still leaning against the counter, watching his every move and facial expression. “He can’t remember anything. I’ve asked him. He doesn’t seem all that affected by what happened. Ianto’s nephew’s far more affected than Steven is but,” she let out a breath and with it the pain that, he knew, came with being the parent of a child associated with Jack Harkness, “This might not be the last time someone takes us to get to you. I always knew it might, just like Mum knew. Dad, I can’t bear to see him go through anything like that again, I just can’t... And you’re so dangerous, you’re like fire; everyone close to you gets burned in the end.”
Jack nodded solemnly. “I know,” he sighed. “I know. It’s why your mother sent me away, it’s why you sent me away, and I’ll understand if you do the same again. I know the way things are, if you don’t want me to be a part of Steven’s life then I will understand why.”
Alice shook her head, and the sadness was back in her eyes. “I can’t do that though, can I?” Jack thought for a minute that she might cry and seeing her on the verge of tears still made him feel as uneasy and helpless as it had when she was seven years old. “You’re too important to him. You mean too much. He’d hate me for it.”
“Alice-”
“No, Dad, you know I’m right. You heard him out there, in the garden. He thinks you’re the most wonderful thing to ever walk the Earth and I know how that feels, I remember how that feels. He’d do anything for you, you saw him. Fighting. For you, because of you. Because of how much you mean to him. You’re too big a part of his world.”
Jack swallowed and stepped towards her, taking her arm gently. “I promise you Alice, I will do anything in my power to make sure that nothing like this ever happens again. I’d do anything to keep you both safe, I mean that.” He pulled her into his arms and for a moment she gently hugged him back. It only lasted a second, though, and she was pushing him away, like he really was fire, like he’d burned her.
She shook her head, and Jack knew she wasn’t ready to trust him yet, she didn’t want to get too close because he already mattered too much to her, and Jack mattering to her was what had got her and Steven taken hostage in the first place. He nodded at her, showing her he understood.
“I’m going to check on Steven,” she told him quietly, and was gone. He sighed and leant back against the table, wishing his two worlds hadn’t collided. His family had been in so much danger and he wasn’t sure Alice would ever trust him again, if she had before. And Ianto, he owed Ianto so much now, even more than before, and he still could hear the whisper of ‘I love you’, the desperate words of a dying man. There were too many conversations he needed to have tonight. He sighed again. It didn’t get any easier as he got older, he was centuries old and he still had so much to prove.
Chapter 7
Rhiannon followed Ianto up the stairs, Mica close behind her, and Ianto waited by his bedroom door for Rhiannon to open it. He lay David in the middle of the bed and pulled the covers over him, glad that they hadn’t bothered to make it that morning. Mica silently clambered up onto the bed beside her brother, curling up with him. Rhiannon watched her children while Ianto glanced about the room. He frowned at Jack’s washing strewn over the floor and hoped Rhiannon wouldn’t comment.
Her voice was quiet when she turned away from the children to look at him, “He’s barely slept since those soldiers came in...”
“I’m sorry,” Ianto said, sliding his hands into his pockets, “About all this, I never meant for you to be dragged into it all.”
Rhiannon nodded and moved to him, placing a hand on his arm. “Oh, Ianto,” she said, mothering him as always. “I don’t know what you’ve got yourself mixed up in these days. You’ll get yourself killed.”
Ianto wanted to smile but he didn’t, it was the easiest way to cope, but it would be the wrong thing here, so he kept staring straight ahead of him, letting Rhiannon do the talking.
“He seems nice though,” she said. “Jack, I mean. A bit messy though,” she grinned at him and Ianto rolled his eyes.
“He’ll learn to pick up his clothes one day,” Ianto said, knowing it wasn’t true. A smile played on his lips as he looked at Rhiannon.
“He’s very handsome, Susan was right about that.”
“I have got good taste, Rhiannon,” Ianto told her, grinning. There was something about the way she was talking and the look in her eyes that took him back ten years, that made him feel like the boy whose biggest worry was what he’d wear out with his mates and whether or not Rhiannon would try and make him babysit at the weekend. It made him feel safe and at ease and he let her wind her arm around him in the overprotective way she always had.
“He’s older than I was expecting,” she told him and he hid a smirk. You have no idea, he thought, but didn’t say it, just hummed in agreement.
“So,” said Rhiannon, moving to sit on the edge of the bed beside the sleeping children. “Tell me all about him. Start at the beginning. Where’d you meet?”
Jack watched as Alice wiped the last of the blood from Steven’s face and lifted him down off the table. He was quieter than usual, the fight with David had clearly thrown him. Jack reached over and ruffled his hair lightly, “Why don’t you go watch the TV, buddy? Let your mom and I talk.”
Steven nodded and lifted the book he had been reading earlier from the kitchen table, taking it with him. Jack smiled and turned to Alice once Steven was gone. They looked at each other for a long moment before Jack broke the silence. “I heard you talking to Ianto.”
“You did?” She leaned against the counter, her hands behind her.
Jack nodded and perched on the kitchen table, “He means a lot to me, Alice.”
“I can see that,” she started, “But Dad, I know what you can be like. I’ve seen first hand what falling in love with you can do to a person.”
“This is different,” Jack told her, his eyes dropping to the ground guiltily. “I made mistakes where your mom was concerned. But it was different, not like this, I...”
“Loving you was the worst thing that happened to her and you don’t understand how much you affect people, how much you change their lives. You make everything wonderful and then you leave and everything crumbles.”
Jack shook his head. “Loving me wasn’t the worst thing to happen to your mother,” he told her, standing up and putting his hands into his pockets as he spoke, “It gave her you. There were a lot of things about me that made her angry, a lot of things that she hated. But it was worth it all for you.”
“You don’t get to do that now, to act like the doting father thirty years on.” She shook her head at him.
“Alice, I know that things didn’t pan out well there, and I understand why it makes you angry. I understand why you don’t want me around and why you think it’s better I stay away... but please don’t try to destroy what little I have got to cling to.”
“I wasn’t trying to ruin anything, I just think he should know, before you leave him with nothing.”
“I won’t. Not him.” He sighed, “It’s ridiculous. He’s so young and I’ll still have to say goodbye years before I’m ready to. But he’s the best thing to happen to me in so long, I don’t want to lose him before I have to.”
Alice nodded. “I don’t think you realise how far you get under people’s skin, Dad. I could tell him the worst of you and he would still stay.”
“He knows, Alice.” Jack told her, staring at the ground, “He know the worst things about me and he’s still here.”
They watched each other for a moment before Jack rose, moving across the room and turning on the kettle for something to do. He pulled out mugs and tea bags, knowing better than to touch Ianto’s coffee maker. He didn’t speak again until he handed Alice a mug of tea. “I left him once before,” he admitted, quietly. “A while ago.”
“Why?” Alice asked, sipping her tea.
“It... it was something I had to do. But I came back...” He stared into his mug, knowing that just coming back wasn’t enough. “And he forgave me. He let me show him that I cared enough not to leave him again and now... we’re together.” He let out a breath. “It’s... different. With Ianto, he... It’s been a long time since I’ve been anything close to serious with anyone. Since I’ve let anyone in like this.”
“Since Mum?” Alice asked, and Jack saw a flash of the eight year old girl she had once been in her eyes.
“I didn’t even let your mom as close as this.” He looked at her. “I know that’s not what you want to hear, but it’s true.”
“So you’ll stay with him,” Alice said, watching him, “But what happens if he leaves?”
“What...?” Jack swallowed hard. It wasn’t a possibility he wanted to entertain.
“He says now that he wants you for the rest of his life, but what happens when he’s fifty and you haven’t aged a day? What happens if he gets bitter and resents you for it, Dad? What happens to you then if you let him in too much?”
“I’ll cope,” he swallowed again, “I always cope.” He gave her a pointed look. “It wouldn’t be the first time I’d been shut out of someone I love’s life.”
Alice cast her eyes to the floor. “It isn’t as simple as that,” she said first, and then looked up at him. “I know you think I hate you, but I don’t.” She bit her lip. “I don’t want to see you get hurt, and you will. Even if you stay with him until the day he dies, Dad, he’ll break you eventually.”
“Everyone does, Alice. That’s always going to happen, but I can’t refuse to form attachments to keep myself from getting hurt. Believe me, I’ve tried it, and this is better. Being with him, and knowing I’ll lose him, that’s better than not being with him at all.”
For a while, neither of them said anything, both lost in their own thoughts. Alice broke the silence, look at him as she spoke. “It’s not that I don’t like him,” Alice told him. “He seems nice, and he saved Steven, I’ll always be grateful to him for that.” There was a sorrowful, pained look in her eyes that sent a shot of guilt straight through Jack’s heart. Steven was the most important thing in the universe to Alice and she had almost lost him. He contemplated what he could say to reassure her that Steven was okay, but she knew and he didn’t need to speak.
“Dad,” she said, and the sadness was gone from her face, replaced with something that verged on anger. “Steven’s alive and he’s okay, but he could have died, he would have died if it wasn’t for Ianto.” Jack let her go on speaking, she was still leaning against the counter, watching his every move and facial expression. “He can’t remember anything. I’ve asked him. He doesn’t seem all that affected by what happened. Ianto’s nephew’s far more affected than Steven is but,” she let out a breath and with it the pain that, he knew, came with being the parent of a child associated with Jack Harkness, “This might not be the last time someone takes us to get to you. I always knew it might, just like Mum knew. Dad, I can’t bear to see him go through anything like that again, I just can’t... And you’re so dangerous, you’re like fire; everyone close to you gets burned in the end.”
Jack nodded solemnly. “I know,” he sighed. “I know. It’s why your mother sent me away, it’s why you sent me away, and I’ll understand if you do the same again. I know the way things are, if you don’t want me to be a part of Steven’s life then I will understand why.”
Alice shook her head, and the sadness was back in her eyes. “I can’t do that though, can I?” Jack thought for a minute that she might cry and seeing her on the verge of tears still made him feel as uneasy and helpless as it had when she was seven years old. “You’re too important to him. You mean too much. He’d hate me for it.”
“Alice-”
“No, Dad, you know I’m right. You heard him out there, in the garden. He thinks you’re the most wonderful thing to ever walk the Earth and I know how that feels, I remember how that feels. He’d do anything for you, you saw him. Fighting. For you, because of you. Because of how much you mean to him. You’re too big a part of his world.”
Jack swallowed and stepped towards her, taking her arm gently. “I promise you Alice, I will do anything in my power to make sure that nothing like this ever happens again. I’d do anything to keep you both safe, I mean that.” He pulled her into his arms and for a moment she gently hugged him back. It only lasted a second, though, and she was pushing him away, like he really was fire, like he’d burned her.
She shook her head, and Jack knew she wasn’t ready to trust him yet, she didn’t want to get too close because he already mattered too much to her, and Jack mattering to her was what had got her and Steven taken hostage in the first place. He nodded at her, showing her he understood.
“I’m going to check on Steven,” she told him quietly, and was gone. He sighed and leant back against the table, wishing his two worlds hadn’t collided. His family had been in so much danger and he wasn’t sure Alice would ever trust him again, if she had before. And Ianto, he owed Ianto so much now, even more than before, and he still could hear the whisper of ‘I love you’, the desperate words of a dying man. There were too many conversations he needed to have tonight. He sighed again. It didn’t get any easier as he got older, he was centuries old and he still had so much to prove.
Chapter 7