Choosing my Confessions
Title: Choosing my Confessions
Pairing: NewS gen (also a little KoyaPi)
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 12,000+
Summary: How NewS finds out Yamapi is gay.
Notes: Collaboration with indian_monsoon for newsbigbang . Originally posted here and here.
This was supposed to be crack but idek what happened. Slightly AU. Enjoy.
Thanks to indian_monsoon for letting me collab with her on this. It was a new experience for me. :) I had fun even though it was crazy trying to write it in 3 weeks!
YAMAPI
I suppose I have always known. It’s kind of hard to not know when all the guys were talking about the girl with the big boobs, and here I was, having wet dreams in the middle of the night thinking of Takizawa Hideaki.
I remember trying to rationalize it - I was surrounded by boys all the time, maybe I’d just gotten confused. It wasn't unheard of after all. In fact, someone told me that it wasn't strange for the jimusho kids to have experiences with boys at a younger age, and then have meaningful relationships with girls later. But I was understandably worried about my lack of interest in the various girly mags passed around and my body’s obvious interest in shirtless senpai as evidenced by sticky pajama pants after dreams involving them. But I supposed hormones had no bias - that was my story and I stuck to it. Until the night when Jin called me over sounding rather excited on the phone.
That night confirmed what I’d always known, much to my chagrin. He impatiently herded me into his bedroom (where the lucky bastard had his own computer) and sat me down next to him. I watched him log into a site and we sat and looked (I, uninterestedly and he, eagerly) at the pictures of naked women around the border while we waited for a video to load.
There was way too much jiggling going on in the video and the sight of her “nether bits” reminded me of bad sci-fi films. If that was the way men and women were supposed to have sex, then I wanted no part of it.
“Isn’t it great?” Jin asked breathlessly.
“Yeah, great…WHAT THE HELL JIN?” I tried to mask my horror and hoped it came out as shocked admiration. Whatever it sounded like, I think Jin was in his own world too much to read me.
Jin merely chuckled. “I heard Koichi-senpai and Tsuyoshi-senpai talking about it, and I made a username for myself. Get yourself one too, Pi! No one will know.”
Jin all but forced me to get one, and I was stuck. I never wanted to see anything again like what I had just experienced. Ever.
Jin, rather unaware of my predicament, would find videos with women wearing dominatrix costumes and I would be left with nothing to do but go along with it, closing my eyes when he wasn’t watching me (which was pretty much always, really.) One day, though, we chanced on a video of young, slim men leaning over one another, their eyes speaking promises of the ‘entertainment’ they were going to provide and I must have seemed different because Jin looked at me weirdly afterwards. Jin never asked though, and perhaps that is the main reason why he remains my best friend to this day.
Gay porn videos are a factor for another emotional attachment in my life - Ryo (not in that way, though). I had known Ryo through Jin briefly, and I had called him Ryo before I knew that he was actually older than I was. I thought he was alright, though a bit mean, but I suppose that was to make up for his lack of height. We never interacted too much. It was a polite relationship.
Of course, when I got to know him better, it was a lot of fun. One time, we all stayed up together telling each other ghost stories. Apparently, my machismo was nonexistent at that point and I was too scared to go to the bathroom alone. Everyone (even Jin, that traitor) else made fun of me, but Ryo-chan stood up, he took my hand and we went to the bathroom together. I think that sealed the deal to our friendship.
And then the fatal day came.
It was three in the morning. Ryo and I had finally dropped off to sleep around midnight and I woke up from a very nice dream and was horny as hell. I palmed myself through my pajama pants and pondered. Yeah, horny as hell. So I very quietly crept from under the covers and stood at my door, hand on the knob and turned my head to focus on where Ryo was, barely discernable in the weak moonlight. No movement. Home free.
I turned the computer on in the living room. Mom and Rina slept like snoring logs so I had no worries on that account. Ryo was a somewhat light sleeper but also a lazy bastard so I figured I’d be all right. What I hadn’t figured on was his need to use the bathroom at 3:05 a.m.
RYO
Head stuffed with sand and heavy to boot, Ryo worked his way out of the sheets to stand and make his way carefully to the bathroom in the dark. He managed to make it there and relieve himself without incident but as he padded back to Yamashita’s room he was drawn to a light in the living area (he would wonder later why he gave in to such a moth-like behavior instead of just minding his own damn business and going back to bed.) He ended up blinking blearily at a computer screen, Yamapi seated in front of him, earphones on and unspeakably strange things playing on the screen. Unspeakable as in two guys - going at it. Ryo blinked slowly. They weren’t even hot he thought, a half-asleep professional opinion. He angled his head down and noticed Yamashita’s right hand in his lap, moving - Yamashita’s chest rising and falling quickly. A muffled groan. And then he woke up quick. And let out a girly screech.
The other boy shot out of the chair, unintentionally yanking the headphones out of the jack and suddenly the room was filled with the soft noises of flesh on flesh and the heated moans of at least one man. Yamashita slammed his hand on the cpu tower, pressing the off switch quickly. The screen glowed faintly in the sudden dark and briefly illuminated Yamashita’s shocked face as he stared at Ryo, breathing hard.
Yamashita’s mother tripped out of her room, then, and flicked on a light. “Tomo? Are you -“ she looked at the boys facing each other and looking like they’d seen ghosts. “Are you boys okay?” She clutched her robe tightly to her chest, hair a mess.
“Fine,” Ryo said slowly after a pause. He turned his head to her but his eyes dragged off of Yamashita’s slowly before meeting hers. “I was leaving the bathroom and he was going and we knocked into each other on the way.” He saw Yamashita clench his jaws (in surprise?) from the corner of his eye. “He screams like a girl, right?” He smirked at his friend, enjoying the look on his face that was a picture of conflict - gratefulness versus trying to decide whether he should make Ryo ‘fess up to the girly scream. Gratefulness won and they went back to bed.
They lay in bed surrounded by tense silence. He heard a rustle beside him as Yamashita turned himself over to face Ryo in the dark.
“Hey. I’m - you know, uh. Sorry. I didn’t think anyone would be up.”
Ryo was glad he wasn’t making any excuses. But he kind of wanted to hear them, too. That Yamashita didn’t usually watch that. That he had clicked a wrong link. That he was just experimenting. But he remembered seeing a hand move in a lap and knew that his friend had been enjoying himself. And he hated himself for the feeling welling up inside him almost suffocatingly - revulsion with a touch of fear.
The silence was oppressive. “I’m sorry if you’re uncomfortable. Should I go sleep in the living room?”
Ryo heard more rustling, figuring Yamashita was sitting up, getting ready to make good on his offer. Ryo fought the revulsion. “No. I mean. You’re not going to try and molest me, right?” He was joking. Mostly.
He heard a soft snort beside him. “Hardly. I don’t go in for pedophilia.”
He felt his fear fade away as indignation replaced it and he whacked Yamashita with his pillow.
YAMAPI
Ryo never spoke of what he had seen that night, and I was grateful. I think he must have thought (or, rather, hoped) that it was a one-time fluke. I noticed from then on that Ryo often would invite me to double dates and when we were old enough to hit the clubs he’d liquor me up and try to push pretty girls on me.
I tried at the beginning to reject the offers, but as time went on, I couldn’t bring myself to. Ryo was trying so hard to find some semblance of ‘normalcy’ for me that I couldn’t deal with it anymore. I went along with him - at first trying to see if maybe I had been wrong about my sexuality but when it was clear that I hadn’t been, I just played along to make both of us feel better.
When Takizawa ‘graduated’ and I got placed into NewS, it was Ryo who looked after me. When I was given the position of leader, it was Ryo who took up the role himself - Ryo who was harsh with everyone else but me. I have to admit that I was pretty apathetic about it all - the band, my personal life, everything but my career. I knew that he didn’t want to be in the group, much less lead it, but I knew he did it for me (and also probably out of that sense of compulsive perfection he has.) At the beginning of NewS, as much as it pains me to say this now, all we had was each other.
SHIGE
If someone had told Shige that he was going to be in a group with Yamashita Tomohisa and Nishikido Ryo 10 years ago, he would have laughed and called them stupid. He was popular, yes, but even he wouldn’t dream such impossible dreams.
So when he was told that KKKitty was going to be part of a new temporary group with said super idols, he was reasonably shocked and pleased. Him, Koyama and Kusano had had many a late night, discussing among themselves what it would be like to work with them.
“I’ve heard that Nishikido-kun is mean!” said Kusano.
“And what about Yamashita-kun?” Koyama asked.
“Well, he seemed very nice to me, but I don’t know.” Kusano replied back.
“Wow, I can’t believe we did it guys! We are really in the big leagues now!” Shige piped in. Koyama laughed and nodded. “How about you Kei? How are things going with Haruto?” Shige whispered.
“Things are fine.” The hardened look on Koyama’s face made Shige worry and he exchanged a knowing glance with Kusano.
“Well, we’re always here for you, you know that?” Kusano beamed. “If any bastard or bitch gives our Koyamacchi trouble, then Kusanoman will be their worst enemy!”
“Says the guy whose pant zipper is open.” Shige retorted.
“Shut up, old man. Koyamacchi appreciates me, right Koyama?” Kusano draped himself over Koyama’s shoulders.
“Right!” Koyama burst out laughing and ruffled the boy’s hair. Shige was glad - poor Koyama had been through a rough patch lately. First, his girlfriend cheated on him with some other guy, and now Koyama’s new boyfriend was completely ignoring his existence. Shige wondered whether Koyama even knew what love was (not that Shige would be an expert on the subject), whether he was ultimately setting himself up for heartbreak because he liked the idea of falling in love.
He even told Koyama once, and Koyama had just shrugged it off and said, “I can’t always be waiting, Shige. What if the person who I am meant to be with is right under my nose? I can’t be afraid to take chances, or I won’t get anywhere.”
Shige thought that it was this kind of open mindedness and willingness to look at risks in a positive light that made Koyama strong even in their toughest times which had yet to come. After their first couple of months in NewS, Shige was in desperate need of his strength. Kusano had his arms around Shige, and Koyama was whispering soothing words in his ear to stem the flow of tears caused by of Nishikido’s harsh words and Yamashita’s indifference.
“They don’t care. They just don’t care! I try making conversation, but they don’t even want to get to know us.”
“Nishikido-kun and Yamashita-kun are very stressed out. Okay, Shige? Give them some time.” Koyama had said softly.
“Yeah, I mean, Nishikido-kun has Kanjani8 to handle, and Yamashita-kun just seems to be a bit shy.” Kusano added.
“Then shouldn’t they, as senpai, make an effort to make it more comfortable between us?” Shige questioned and neither responded. “Nishikido-kun doesn’t even want to be in our group, and Yamashita-kun doesn’t care whether we thrive or die because he wanted to be with Toma-kun and the others.”
“They’ll come around. Don’t worry.” Koyama said hopefully. “And who knows? Maybe we all will become friends after they have settled down and gotten to know us a bit better.”
Shige held back the laugh that came to his mouth. It would do no good to demolish Koyama’s hopes when his and Kusano’s own rested so strongly on Koyama’s seemingly never-ending optimism.
YAMAPI
I don’t know when it started, this affection that I felt for NewS and the members. We had become quite comfortable as the years rolled forward and we realized we were stuck with each other (though Ryo-chan still harboured some hope, I think, to get away). I don’t think I quite realized it to be honest because I was young and immature. One day, I realized that I actually loved them - all of them despite their quirks and character flaws - no, because of them. They weren’t Toma or Jin but they had taken space in a piece of my heart and started to grow. I started to feel a bit like the leader I was supposed to be and began to take an interest in my bandmates. I thought things were starting to go well. That was -until the suspension.
I had known Uchi through Ryo-chan and Kusano and I had become rather friendly in the last couple of months, so it’s impossible to say that I didn’t feel a loss. Of course I did. We all did, even Tegoshi and Massu.
But what is true is that I didn’t suffer as much as Ryo-chan or Koyama and Shige. Without Uchi, Ryo-chan didn’t know what to do with himself, now that he realized that he was suddenly in a group where he actually didn’t know anyone but me. I wondered if he’d be okay - if he would try to connect with the other members now that he had no safety net in Uchi. I almost hoped he would. And with Kusano gone, Shige became even more introverted, less willing to open up to anyone other than Koyama. What I did suffer was a blow to my pride. I had hoped to actually become the leader of NewS in action not just name and what happened was that I lost my band. And there was nothing I could say or do to fix it. But I refused to allow anyone to see me falter in my belief that we could make this work. I had decided that it would, and I would do everything in my power to make sure of it.
When they announced the hiatus officially, I panicked. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t think of anyone but the members. When I slept, I would dream of Koyama’s goofy presence, Tegoshi’s beautiful voice, Massu’s wonderful smile, Shige’s intelligent eyes, Ryo-chan’s sarcastic remarks. It brought around a new energy, a new power in me that I hadn’t had before, and I remember telling everyone in our last meeting before the hiatus: “We will definitely come back. No matter when, in 10 years, in a couple of months, we will always be NewS.” So we went our separate ways - built ourselves up in the absence of the others and became stronger as individuals so we could come back a stronger NewS.
KOYAMA
Koyama had been having a tough time dealing with both the hiatus and his own personal situation. He was partially to blame for the problem. He knew he had been less than cheerful over the hiatus and uncertainty it filled him with. But if his boyfriend couldn’t deal with a serious Koyama, he wasn’t worth hanging on to anyway. The jackass of a boyfriend had dumped him, saying that he was tired of always playing second fiddle to the group even when it was, in his words, ‘defunct.’ Koyama had punched him in the face, then. Luckily for him the boy wouldn’t press charges because he was afraid that the truth of his sexual orientation might get out.
It was poor timing all around. This was a point in his life where he needed as much support as possible. Unfortunately his ex had proved to be a termite-ridden pillar that crumbled under the added weight of his sorrow. Having Shige around helped, but they were both suffering the same effects and sinking slowly. They did their best, however, to push each other forward in their solo activities and Koyama couldn’t help but remember Yamashita’s encouragement to build themselves up individually for a chance at a better NewS.
But despite his best efforts to hide his struggle, even Yamapi had taken him aside during the shooting of Kurosagi to ask what was wrong.
All Koyama said was “Boyfriend problems,” choosing the easiest explainable option. He patted Yamashita on the shoulder, smiled, and walked away, not noticing the flicker of surprise in Yamashita’s eyes.
YAMAPI
I was jealous of Koyama and his ability to wear his heart and his bisexuality on his sleeve, so to speak. He was never obviously blatant in his bisexuality he just never tried to hide it within the jimusho. So the people closest to him knew. And the rest just guessed. He’s always been so open and free. I envy that. I’m not trying to sound like I’m whining but it’s hard being Johnny’s poster boy. There’s extra pressure to be PC, to always give the right answers, to never say or do anything that might hurt either the jimusho’s or my reputation. No matter how much people say you can say one thing and feel another, over the years I’ve said the same things so often that it felt like I might mean it - and that was frightening. I don’t know when my onscreen self and my offscreen self started blending so much.
So, yes, I envied Koyama. I had hoped that by tending more carefully to our friendship, I might cultivate my own energy instead of borrowing so heavily from others. Maybe I’d be able to even out my off/on times. Because Koyama was always, is always, very, very on. I had hoped to learn his secret through the years but I think it’s just something inherently him. But I wanted to try and attain it myself, even if I had to work at it. It’s not that I didn’t like myself. Or that I didn’t have enough confidence. I just - wanted more.
KOYAMA
Let’s have coffee tomorrow, Koyama!
Koyama stared at his phone for a moment then a slow grin spread across his face as he texted back his excited agreement. He hadn’t seen Yamapi since he’d wrapped up his guest appearance on Kurosagi several weeks ago.
They sat across from each other in a café in Ebisu, hands wrapped around iced coffees and lounging in the air-conditioned cool of the room. “Thanks for inviting me today!” Koyama met Yamashita’s eyes and smiled.
Yamashita dropped his eyes to his cup and let his fingers slip along the condensation there. His smile was soft and slightly crooked, a shy smile that would make fangirls faint. “I’m glad you could come. It just feels so strange not seeing any of you guys for so long.”
Koyama grinned. “But I saw you a few weeks ago!”
Embarrassment colored his face and he avoided Koyama’s eyes. “Y-yeah, but it still feels like forever, doesn’t it?”
Koyama beamed. “Yes it does!”
“So what have you been up to?” Yamapi asked.
“Me? Oh, just this and that. I’ve been hanging out with Shige, helping at the restaurant. Oh, and I bumped into Tegoshi and Massu the other day.”
Yamapi’s eyes seemed to light up, and it made Koyama’s heart beat a little bit faster. “Really? How are they? Which school did Tegoshi get into again? And Shige is studying law right? What about Massu? I heard their single, and I was blown away! Not that I was surprised, really, but I’m so glad for them.”
“Woah Woah, slow down!” Koyama chuckled, not ready for the influx of questions coming his way. “Tegoshi got into Waseda. And yes, Shige is studying law and driving me crazy. And Massu is fine. He’s pretty excited about the unit, of course. And complaining about karaoke with Tegoshi.” His smirk said what he thought about that.
“Yeah. I haven’t heard from them at all. I mean other than Ryo-chan, you are the only person in NewS I’ve seen a lot of since the … hiatus.” Koyama noticed how he didn’t use the word suspension - as if this was just some short break that they all had agreed upon rather than an order from the jimusho.
Just then, two girls came giggling to the table, clearly looking for Yamapi.
“You are Yamashita-san right?” one of the girls asked, and Yamapi just nodded uncomfortably.
“We are really big fans of yours!”
“Ah, thank you.” There was an awkward pause. “I am sort of with my friend right now, so if you excuse us, we really have to get going.” He stood, picking up his cup and gesturing to Koyama. “Let’s go.” Yamapi said, and Koyama noticed that he was slightly blushing, tripping as they left the café and he smiled affectionately at his leader.
A few meters from the cafe Yamashita bobbed his head apologetically. “I hope you don’t mind, Koyama, I didn’t want to be interrupted. I mean, I want to know what everyone is up to.”
“It’s okay. I don’t think we’ve ever done this before, so it was a nice-“
“Exactly! We haven’t done this before!” Yamashita spoke abruptly. “We haven’t done this before. I haven’t done this before and I need to.” When they neared a bench on an off-street, he tugged Koyama’s sleeve as he sat, prompting the other man to follow. “Ryo is just as disconnected as I am and, well, I feel like I can trust you to help me get to know the other members. I think I need this. I think we need this. I can’t lead a band I don’t know. So I need your help, Koyama. You love NewS - anyone can see that. I want to love NewS too.” He turned serious eyes to his band-mate. “Please.”
Koyama was taken aback. He certainly was not expecting this outburst, but he could see the determination and a glimmer of hope in his leader’s eyes. He felt his own hope kindle brighter as it lit his smile and he agreed. From Yamashita’s resolute nod, he knew that everything would be fine. If they could come together now, they could make it work.
SHIGE
Shige was taken aback when Yamapi had greeted him and Koyama backstage at Johnny’s Countdown with back-slapping hugs. “Welcome back!” Shige could swear his eyes were sparkling - maybe that was, did he detect, tears? “Didn’t I tell you we would be NewS again?”
“Yes. Yes, you did.” Shige replied, smiling. Koyama was right - Yamapi had changed.
“Don’t hug him too tight, Pi - you might get boring-itis.” Shige heard Nishikido drawl.
“Why hello to you too, Nishikido-kun.” Shige turned around. “Glad to see that even if the world has changed, you remain the same.” He made bored eyes at Nishikido and raised his eyebrows.
“It’s what makes me awesome.” Nishikido said with a smirk, and that was all it took to get the entire group into fits of laughter.
Soon enough, they came back into their normal idol activities. Shige was juggling between college life and work activities, so he certainly kept busy. Koyama visited Shige as often as he could (which was quite often), and they would go off for lunch, or dinner, or sleepovers or anything that caught their fancy.
At work, things had gotten better. Nishikido had actually started to talk to Shige about music and they found that their interests matched rather well. He went shopping with Massu for hours, because Massu was by far the most indecisive person that Shige had ever met. Tegoshi continued to irk him no end, but he supposed that some things never did change.
Yamashita had the biggest change of all. Where he used to sit by himself in the room only talking with Nishikido or Uchi, now he played silly games with Tegoshi, goofed around with Koyama, and even had a food contest with Massu.
That had been more than hilarious. It had started one lunch when their manager took the food order and Massu ordered enough food to feed three people. Yamapi had guffawed and Ryo had the most long-suffering look Shige’d ever seen.
“Buta, if you keep that up you really will have a second stomach,” the Osakan said tartly.
“Ryo, pigs only have one stomach,” Shige told him.
“Not this one.”
As expected, Massu looked a little put out but then suddenly Yamashita whooped. “That’s it, make my order the same.” The manager looked put upon and the rest of NewS all stared at him in surprise. Yamashita never ate like that. Not that he couldn't put away some serious food but never to this extent - he was too concerned with his (money-making) girlish figure.
And when the food came he ate alongside Massu with glee, both taking turns shoving bits of their own food on the other’s plate when they thought the other wasn’t looking. Surprisingly (or maybe not surprisingly because Massu really knows how to enjoy food) Yamashita finished first and fist-pumped as he swallowed his last bite. Everyone was laughing so hard the room echoed.
The best part was about fifteen minutes later when Shige found Yamashita in the bathroom groaning over the sink, clutching his stomach. He quickly backed out without Yamashita having seen him and thought about the implications of the episode in the hallway.
Yamashita even called Shige to go to dinner for his birthday, just the two of them. Shige had been so nervous that day. This was Yamashita Tomohisa who had called him for dinner. Never mind that Shige and his mum were actually Nishikido fans (though he would die before he would admit it,) never mind that they worked in the same group. Super Idol, Johnny’s golden boy, Yamashita had actually called him for dinner.
He prepared himself for disaster.
And disaster it was. The place was slightly upscale, some place he would be comfortable at if it were Koyama he was with but with the ever-elegant Yamashita as his dining partner, he felt the clutz. He tripped over nothing, nearly choked on his food, put too much salt in his dinner, and, to top it off, dropped water on a poor unsuspecting waitress.
Yamapi had laughed then. He had said “Why don’t we go someplace else? This is too stuffy for me.” The younger man was intensely grateful for the way Yamashita shifted the responsibility onto himself so he nodded thankfully and they walked down to a nearby bar, and now that Shige was legally of age, he gleefully took the drink, eager to drink his nervousness away.
He could feel his nerves calming as he drank, and courage flowed through his veins. At Yamashita’s prompting, he started talking about everything, about juggling between school and work, a girl that he had been eyeing in class, his future.
It seems alcohol really did do the trick because when Yamashita was pleasantly buzzed and a bit red in the face he started waxing philosophic, animatedly joining in the discussion as he talked about his own hopes and fears - about how he missed everyone during the suspension, of how he had really really wanted to come back as NEW S and make it work. They were going along so well that before they knew it, they were smashed and still talking at 5 a.m.
“One more place,” Yamapi slurred and smiled at the younger man and who was Shige to resist? They finally parted ways at 7 a.m. and Yamashita got on the train for work, dead drunk and sleep-deprived but feeling that every moment of pain that would result from his night out had been totally worth it.
The next day they had work together Shige walked up to Yamapi, ignoring Nishikido’s questioning gaze and said brightly “Thank you, Yamashita-kun! I had a great time! Let’s do it again sometime.”
“Woah woah. What did I miss here?” Nishikido asked.
“Shige and Yamapi went out for Shige’s birthday, Ryo-chan!” Koyama interjected. “Yamashita-kun’s been working really hard at member-ai lately!”
“And why wasn’t I invited to this wonderful outing?”
“Sorry Ryo-chan. I didn’t know how much Shige wanted to risk a red mark on his shoulder from you on his own birthday. You know how you get when you are drunk.” Yamashita grinned cheekily at Ryo and punched his shoulder - and earned himself a ten-point scowl.
“Better than Shige,” Koyama supplied. “He starts crying and proclaiming his love for the world.”
Yamapi guffawed and nodded crazily and even Nishikido broke out into a smile. “Really now? This I have to see.”
“KOYAMA!” Shige glared at his best friend.
“What? He started it!” Koyama pointed at Yamapi and grinned.
“Did not.”
“Did too.”
“Did not!”
“DID TOO!”
Shige had looked at Ryo in exasperation. “So do you really cry when you’re drunk?” Ryo asked, fascinated.
“UGH!” Shige threw up his hands and walked away, but couldn’t help the smile on his face.
He could feel it - it was a new beginning.
YAMAPI
I’m not entirely sure what drew me to Shige. A big part was that I felt this overwhelming urge to get to know the other members. Plus, Koyama obviously thought he was something special (and I know Koyama loves everyone but he doesn’t spend hours a day, go on overnight/overseas trips, sleep over with all of them) and that meant it was a possibility worth exploring. It also helped that Shige was so open. He was emotionally delicate, yes, I knew that. But he also wore his heart on his sleeve, his emotions evident to anyone in sight. I’ve decided this is why both he and Koyama are terrible screen actors but doesn’t that make them a little more endearing, really - the inability to hide who they are?
RYO
Ryo was surprised to hear that Yamashita had invited Shige out for dinner and drinks for his birthday. Not because of anything else, but the fact that it was Shige surprised him. Yamapi had never hung out with Shige, never actually cared to. But he supposed his friend was trying to reach out toward a fellow band-mate and didn’t think much of it.
It was only when he had heard that Shige and Yamashita had gone out for drinks again that Ryo started to worry. Pi ... and Shige? Why the sudden interest? This had never happened before. Yamashita was perfectly nice to Shige, but why this sudden need to become best pals?
Ryo questioned his intentions, how platonic this friendship was. He had already caught Yamashita jerking off to gay porn when they were younger (o god, it was as scarring to think about it now as it was to find him like this then). He did not want Shige to find out about Pi's secret in any situation.
Ryo needed to shield Yamashita from himself, from the inevitable hole that he could create for himself by letting someone else in to his strange universe. Yamashita had gone through enough as a kid, had dealt with enough scandals and such - he did not need another one, particularly if it involved his own band member.
He needed to take emergency precautions. To protect Pi. He needed to do something, anything. So he started inviting himself to all of their little get-togethers. At first, he found it a bit odd - it was Shige after all. But once he actually saw them talk and interact, he let out a sigh of relief. There was nothing there but a burdgeoning friendship … so far, and Ryo would be an asshole now if he stopped this just because he was paranoid. Besides, Shige wasn’t that bad.
Especially when he had a little bit too much alcohol in him and started making smoochy faces to anything that moved, or anything he thought moved. Ryo made a note to himself to never let Shige live this down.
Ryo thought he knew why Yamashita spent so much time with Shige now. After hanging out a couple of times with Shige alone, Ryo realized that it was rather calming talking to him. Shige tried very hard not to judge (especially where his senpai were concerned,) listened patiently to everyone’s concerns. Ryo found himself quite liking this new Shige, the one who would talk back if snapped at, the one who would look him straight in the eye instead of at his feet.
In a strange way, Ryo became protective of Shige too. He hated to admit to himself (so he didn’t) that he actually liked the kid. He was fun to rile up and he was, in reality, pretty smart when you got down to it. It would sit on his conscience if anything happened to Shige because he failed to keep Pi off him. Not that there was any reason to think Yamashita had “fallen” for Shige but better to be safe than sorry. Ryo really started panicking when Yamashita said in one of his jweb entries that he imagined Shige’s smiling face when he was at the chiropractor, and that that is what got him through the pain. What was he doing? He couldn’t just parade his feelings whenever he wanted to. Didn’t Yamashita realize that his actions had consequences? What was the world going to think now?
The problem was he couldn’t outright come and tell Yamapi, “Yo, Pi, back off Shige, he isn’t that sort.” He knew Yamashita knew that, really, so there would be no point in saying it but he felt like he ought to remind the idol that he was, in fact, an idol. He had obligations to himself, his family, the agency and his band-mates who could be hurt by this sort of attention. Especially if Shige caught on and there was too much tension between the two.
Nor could he say, “Hey Shige, careful of Pi, he is different.” He couldn’t just betray his friend’s trust like that. Not that Yamashita had ever told him that he was bi or gay or anything like that, but Ryo had (cleverly) deduced it.
YAMAPI
I wasn’t sure why, suddenly, Ryo wanted to hang out with me and Shige. Ryo had had a weird aversion to the younger Osakan since the group had first formed and though he had begun to warm up to him slightly (and by that I mean he held back 1 in 10 rude comments and managed to look a little less frigid when Shige talked to him) he had never really shown an interest in actually getting to know Shige. But I wasn’t going to complain - like Koyama said, our “member-ai” needed some work.
But Ryo would panic anytime Shige and I got close (and that was pretty often after Shige had downed a couple drinks.) And that’s when I realized Ryo’s real reason for tagging along. I was hurt but the way he went about “protecting me from myself” was so heartily amusing that it took the sting out.
RYO
Ryo considered himself a good friend to Yamashita. Hadn’t he kept his secret all these years? Hadn’t he kept up their friendship without a hitch? Hadn’t he spent hours and hours with Yamashita and Shige being utterly boring in restaurants and bars? Well, okay, maybe they hadn’t been utterly boring but if anyone told Shige otherwise, they were in for a tongue lashing and not the good kind. He was quite willing to go out on a limb for Yamashita - that had been established. So, on that inauspicious evening, his actions could partially be excused.
It had started like any other night - a light dinner out and then a stop in to some bar they had never been to but had heard about through the grapevine. Shige was a little stressed because of an upcoming exam and Yamashita figured that the best way to relax him was to keep loading him up with shots - but drunk Shige is not pretty. True to all stories, Shige began to loosen up and then grin idiotically and then, and then, he began to drape himself all over Yamashita telling the man how much he loved him.
“Yamashita-kun,” he slurred, idiotic grin in place, “I love you, man.” Yamashita’s nostrils flared as his face split open in a huge smile, eyes twinkling merrily. Yes, twinkling and merrily damnit. “No, really. I do. You’re always here for me even though you’re a bussy…bossy…bizzy guy. You know? And even when you’re ‘off’ you’re still pretty damn cool to me.”
Ryo noticed Shige’s bad case of wandering hands as Shige gripped Yamashita’s shoulder with his left hand for support and let the other slide down to fall on the other man’s thigh. That was it. Ryo couldn’t watch Yamashita suffer anymore (let it not be said that Ryo was anything but magnanimous in this moment.) He hauled Shige off Yamashita and planted a kiss straight on Shige’s startled lips. “What about me,” he drawled the non-question.
Yamashita and Shige both looked at Ryo as though he’d grown two heads. Yamashita’s eyes narrowed as he tried to focus on Ryo, his brows furrowing as he tried to chase a fleeting thought. Then Shige giggled and wrapped himself around Ryo. “Nishikido-kun, I love you too. Like a pet cactus. ‘Cause yer pointy and sharp and rude but still a little sweet sometimes.” He punctuated each of his points with a finger jabbing at Ryo’s stomach.
Ryo struggled to remove Shige from his person. “Cacti cannot possibly be considered rude, Shige.” Ryo noticed that Yamashita was not being nearly as magnanimous as himself and was sitting there letting Ryo fend Shige off on his own, laughing hard enough to fall off his stool.
YAMAPI
It was after this episode that I realized Ryo’s ulterior motives. I was alternately angry, upset, and understanding of what Ryo was doing. But it was when I decided that maybe I needed a friend who was a little more accepting of me in regards to my homosexuality. I appreciated Ryo and his friendship and all he’d done for me but I needed something else too.
I’ll never know why it wasn’t Koyama I thought of first. Maybe because he was the obvious choice and my mind doesn’t work intelligently like that. Maybe it was because I was spending more time with Shige than Koyama recently. I don’t know. But I decided that it was time to let the cat out of the bag to someone trustworthy and accepting. Being around a person who was so open with his feelings actually made me feel a little more free. I had the sense that he was trustworthy. He opens his mouth a lot but he has the sense not to speak words he absolutely shouldn’t. Shige had accepted Koyama’s bisexuality without difficulty (so I heard) so perhaps he would do the same for me. So I spent more time with him, got to know him better and ultimately felt comfortable enough to share my secret. I could only hope that my wish be rewarded. His reaction wasn’t exactly reassuring at first, but we ended up all right.
SHIGE
Shige, on his part, was entirely clueless. He was rather happy when Yamashita invited him out to dinner and drinks more often. Talking with the older man was always interesting, as the topics of conversation could range widely. They discussed completely mundane subjects like the despicability of household chores and sharing the latest juicy tidbit on Fujigaya or whoever else happened to be prime material at the time. He also liked those moments when they were slipping between tipsy and drunk and Yamashita told him things that were meant to be kept secret, whispered carefully in his ears. It didn’t happen often but,when it did, it was something he cherished because Shige knew that Yamashita only revealed himself to people he was comfortable with.
But even Shige was shocked and taken aback when Yamapi told him that he was gay.
It was a late Friday night, and both of them were sitting at the bar, each drinking their beer. The topics of conversation had died, and they just sipped and stared at the counter, not sure what to say. They were usually quite comfortable in their silence but this night was different - there was a definite tension in the air.
“Wow, this is kind of awkward.” Shige said with a slight smile on his face.
Yamapi just groaned and hid his face in his hands. Something was apparently troubling him.
“Yamashita-kun?” Shige asked concerned. Yamashita had never acted this way before. His leader was normally really bouncy when he drank.
“Shige. Can I tell you a secret?” His voice came out muffled by the arm he’d attempted to bury his head under.
“You’ve told me secrets before.” Shige pointed out.
“But this is different.” There was something in Yamashita’s tone of voice that made Shige realize that perhaps this one was a little more secret than the others.
“You can trust me, Yamashita-kun.” Shige said.
Yamashita looked at him intensely, sizing Shige up, and it made him squirm in his seat.
“Promise you won’t tell anyone?”
“I promise.”
“And promise me that you won’t hate me?”
“I couldn’t hate you, Yamashita-kun!”
“Promise me.” His expression was deadly serious.
Shige tightened his grip on his drink. “I promise.”
“Alright,” Yamapi brought his tone down to a whisper and leaned in close to Shige. “I like men.”
“We all do Yamashita-kun. Men are awesome. That’s why you’re hanging out with me.” Shige said a bit stupidly.
“No. Shige. I like men. As more than friends.”
Shige’s eyes grew as wide as saucers as realization hit him. Yamashita? Gay? This was one of the strangest things to ever happen to him, and now he wanted to take back the promise, everything he said before. Why? "Why hadn’t he waited till both of them were so smashed to hell that neither would remember in the morning?" He let go of his drink and pushed his chair back abruptly.
“I have to go, Yamashita-kun.” Shige rushed out of the restaurant, ignoring Yamashita’s “Shige! Wait!”
His feet assumed a frantic pace as he fled the scene. He could have never imagined Yamashita as gay. Then again, he had never actively thought about it, always assuming that Yamapi liked girls. He and Ryo and Yamashita had had their fair share of x-rated conversations and never once had a man been the object of attention.
He paused, a block from the restaurant. Why was he running away? He sank down onto a bench and lowered his head. What was the problem? It wasn’t so much that Yamashita was gay that bothered him, it was more that it was too much of a shock to handle at that moment. Now that he’d stopped to think, Shige felt bad about walking out on Yamashita-kun. He was a hypocrite. After all, he respected Koyama’s bisexuality, why couldn’t he respect Yamashita’s sexual orientation? He hadn’t changed from yesterday to tonight. The Yamashita who’d just confessed his secret was the same Yamashita who got him drunk and laughed some nights away; the same Yamashita who was sometimes reserved and sometimes so silly Shige couldn’t take it. Why should it matter who he liked?
After a good half hour of thinking and feeling guilty, Shige walked back to bar to see Yamapi still sipping his drink with a forlorn expression on his face.
Shige made his way back to the counter and it was a testament to Yamashita’s preoccupation that he didn’t notice the younger man slipping back into his seat until Shige quietly said his name.
“Shige?” Yamashita looked up, surprised. “I thought you had gone!”
Shige could see the hope in Yamapi’s face and asked gently, “Why? Because you are gay?” Shige blushed and looked away. “I just needed some fresh air. You shocked me.” He inclined his head toward Yamashita. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did. I’m really okay with it. I figure if you wanted to jump me, you’ve had plenty of drunken nights to do so. And even then, I think I’d be more flattered than anything.” A grin spread across his face.
“So…” Yamashita toyed with his glass. “You don’t hate me?”
Shige laughed. “I could never hate you. So what if you like men? I don’t care, as long as you’re happy.” He said the last bit with a bravado that made Yamashita smile. “Next time, though, give a guy some warning?”
Yamashita clapped him on the back. “You’re a good guy, Shige,” and Shige could see the stress and tension draining away from his face and shoulders.
“Tell me something I don’t know.” Shige said and winked. Yamashita snorted and smacked him on the head.
On to part 2.
Pairing: NewS gen (also a little KoyaPi)
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 12,000+
Summary: How NewS finds out Yamapi is gay.
Notes: Collaboration with indian_monsoon for newsbigbang . Originally posted here and here.
This was supposed to be crack but idek what happened. Slightly AU. Enjoy.
Thanks to indian_monsoon for letting me collab with her on this. It was a new experience for me. :) I had fun even though it was crazy trying to write it in 3 weeks!
YAMAPI
I suppose I have always known. It’s kind of hard to not know when all the guys were talking about the girl with the big boobs, and here I was, having wet dreams in the middle of the night thinking of Takizawa Hideaki.
I remember trying to rationalize it - I was surrounded by boys all the time, maybe I’d just gotten confused. It wasn't unheard of after all. In fact, someone told me that it wasn't strange for the jimusho kids to have experiences with boys at a younger age, and then have meaningful relationships with girls later. But I was understandably worried about my lack of interest in the various girly mags passed around and my body’s obvious interest in shirtless senpai as evidenced by sticky pajama pants after dreams involving them. But I supposed hormones had no bias - that was my story and I stuck to it. Until the night when Jin called me over sounding rather excited on the phone.
That night confirmed what I’d always known, much to my chagrin. He impatiently herded me into his bedroom (where the lucky bastard had his own computer) and sat me down next to him. I watched him log into a site and we sat and looked (I, uninterestedly and he, eagerly) at the pictures of naked women around the border while we waited for a video to load.
There was way too much jiggling going on in the video and the sight of her “nether bits” reminded me of bad sci-fi films. If that was the way men and women were supposed to have sex, then I wanted no part of it.
“Isn’t it great?” Jin asked breathlessly.
“Yeah, great…WHAT THE HELL JIN?” I tried to mask my horror and hoped it came out as shocked admiration. Whatever it sounded like, I think Jin was in his own world too much to read me.
Jin merely chuckled. “I heard Koichi-senpai and Tsuyoshi-senpai talking about it, and I made a username for myself. Get yourself one too, Pi! No one will know.”
Jin all but forced me to get one, and I was stuck. I never wanted to see anything again like what I had just experienced. Ever.
Jin, rather unaware of my predicament, would find videos with women wearing dominatrix costumes and I would be left with nothing to do but go along with it, closing my eyes when he wasn’t watching me (which was pretty much always, really.) One day, though, we chanced on a video of young, slim men leaning over one another, their eyes speaking promises of the ‘entertainment’ they were going to provide and I must have seemed different because Jin looked at me weirdly afterwards. Jin never asked though, and perhaps that is the main reason why he remains my best friend to this day.
Gay porn videos are a factor for another emotional attachment in my life - Ryo (not in that way, though). I had known Ryo through Jin briefly, and I had called him Ryo before I knew that he was actually older than I was. I thought he was alright, though a bit mean, but I suppose that was to make up for his lack of height. We never interacted too much. It was a polite relationship.
Of course, when I got to know him better, it was a lot of fun. One time, we all stayed up together telling each other ghost stories. Apparently, my machismo was nonexistent at that point and I was too scared to go to the bathroom alone. Everyone (even Jin, that traitor) else made fun of me, but Ryo-chan stood up, he took my hand and we went to the bathroom together. I think that sealed the deal to our friendship.
And then the fatal day came.
It was three in the morning. Ryo and I had finally dropped off to sleep around midnight and I woke up from a very nice dream and was horny as hell. I palmed myself through my pajama pants and pondered. Yeah, horny as hell. So I very quietly crept from under the covers and stood at my door, hand on the knob and turned my head to focus on where Ryo was, barely discernable in the weak moonlight. No movement. Home free.
I turned the computer on in the living room. Mom and Rina slept like snoring logs so I had no worries on that account. Ryo was a somewhat light sleeper but also a lazy bastard so I figured I’d be all right. What I hadn’t figured on was his need to use the bathroom at 3:05 a.m.
RYO
Head stuffed with sand and heavy to boot, Ryo worked his way out of the sheets to stand and make his way carefully to the bathroom in the dark. He managed to make it there and relieve himself without incident but as he padded back to Yamashita’s room he was drawn to a light in the living area (he would wonder later why he gave in to such a moth-like behavior instead of just minding his own damn business and going back to bed.) He ended up blinking blearily at a computer screen, Yamapi seated in front of him, earphones on and unspeakably strange things playing on the screen. Unspeakable as in two guys - going at it. Ryo blinked slowly. They weren’t even hot he thought, a half-asleep professional opinion. He angled his head down and noticed Yamashita’s right hand in his lap, moving - Yamashita’s chest rising and falling quickly. A muffled groan. And then he woke up quick. And let out a girly screech.
The other boy shot out of the chair, unintentionally yanking the headphones out of the jack and suddenly the room was filled with the soft noises of flesh on flesh and the heated moans of at least one man. Yamashita slammed his hand on the cpu tower, pressing the off switch quickly. The screen glowed faintly in the sudden dark and briefly illuminated Yamashita’s shocked face as he stared at Ryo, breathing hard.
Yamashita’s mother tripped out of her room, then, and flicked on a light. “Tomo? Are you -“ she looked at the boys facing each other and looking like they’d seen ghosts. “Are you boys okay?” She clutched her robe tightly to her chest, hair a mess.
“Fine,” Ryo said slowly after a pause. He turned his head to her but his eyes dragged off of Yamashita’s slowly before meeting hers. “I was leaving the bathroom and he was going and we knocked into each other on the way.” He saw Yamashita clench his jaws (in surprise?) from the corner of his eye. “He screams like a girl, right?” He smirked at his friend, enjoying the look on his face that was a picture of conflict - gratefulness versus trying to decide whether he should make Ryo ‘fess up to the girly scream. Gratefulness won and they went back to bed.
They lay in bed surrounded by tense silence. He heard a rustle beside him as Yamashita turned himself over to face Ryo in the dark.
“Hey. I’m - you know, uh. Sorry. I didn’t think anyone would be up.”
Ryo was glad he wasn’t making any excuses. But he kind of wanted to hear them, too. That Yamashita didn’t usually watch that. That he had clicked a wrong link. That he was just experimenting. But he remembered seeing a hand move in a lap and knew that his friend had been enjoying himself. And he hated himself for the feeling welling up inside him almost suffocatingly - revulsion with a touch of fear.
The silence was oppressive. “I’m sorry if you’re uncomfortable. Should I go sleep in the living room?”
Ryo heard more rustling, figuring Yamashita was sitting up, getting ready to make good on his offer. Ryo fought the revulsion. “No. I mean. You’re not going to try and molest me, right?” He was joking. Mostly.
He heard a soft snort beside him. “Hardly. I don’t go in for pedophilia.”
He felt his fear fade away as indignation replaced it and he whacked Yamashita with his pillow.
YAMAPI
Ryo never spoke of what he had seen that night, and I was grateful. I think he must have thought (or, rather, hoped) that it was a one-time fluke. I noticed from then on that Ryo often would invite me to double dates and when we were old enough to hit the clubs he’d liquor me up and try to push pretty girls on me.
I tried at the beginning to reject the offers, but as time went on, I couldn’t bring myself to. Ryo was trying so hard to find some semblance of ‘normalcy’ for me that I couldn’t deal with it anymore. I went along with him - at first trying to see if maybe I had been wrong about my sexuality but when it was clear that I hadn’t been, I just played along to make both of us feel better.
When Takizawa ‘graduated’ and I got placed into NewS, it was Ryo who looked after me. When I was given the position of leader, it was Ryo who took up the role himself - Ryo who was harsh with everyone else but me. I have to admit that I was pretty apathetic about it all - the band, my personal life, everything but my career. I knew that he didn’t want to be in the group, much less lead it, but I knew he did it for me (and also probably out of that sense of compulsive perfection he has.) At the beginning of NewS, as much as it pains me to say this now, all we had was each other.
SHIGE
If someone had told Shige that he was going to be in a group with Yamashita Tomohisa and Nishikido Ryo 10 years ago, he would have laughed and called them stupid. He was popular, yes, but even he wouldn’t dream such impossible dreams.
So when he was told that KKKitty was going to be part of a new temporary group with said super idols, he was reasonably shocked and pleased. Him, Koyama and Kusano had had many a late night, discussing among themselves what it would be like to work with them.
“I’ve heard that Nishikido-kun is mean!” said Kusano.
“And what about Yamashita-kun?” Koyama asked.
“Well, he seemed very nice to me, but I don’t know.” Kusano replied back.
“Wow, I can’t believe we did it guys! We are really in the big leagues now!” Shige piped in. Koyama laughed and nodded. “How about you Kei? How are things going with Haruto?” Shige whispered.
“Things are fine.” The hardened look on Koyama’s face made Shige worry and he exchanged a knowing glance with Kusano.
“Well, we’re always here for you, you know that?” Kusano beamed. “If any bastard or bitch gives our Koyamacchi trouble, then Kusanoman will be their worst enemy!”
“Says the guy whose pant zipper is open.” Shige retorted.
“Shut up, old man. Koyamacchi appreciates me, right Koyama?” Kusano draped himself over Koyama’s shoulders.
“Right!” Koyama burst out laughing and ruffled the boy’s hair. Shige was glad - poor Koyama had been through a rough patch lately. First, his girlfriend cheated on him with some other guy, and now Koyama’s new boyfriend was completely ignoring his existence. Shige wondered whether Koyama even knew what love was (not that Shige would be an expert on the subject), whether he was ultimately setting himself up for heartbreak because he liked the idea of falling in love.
He even told Koyama once, and Koyama had just shrugged it off and said, “I can’t always be waiting, Shige. What if the person who I am meant to be with is right under my nose? I can’t be afraid to take chances, or I won’t get anywhere.”
Shige thought that it was this kind of open mindedness and willingness to look at risks in a positive light that made Koyama strong even in their toughest times which had yet to come. After their first couple of months in NewS, Shige was in desperate need of his strength. Kusano had his arms around Shige, and Koyama was whispering soothing words in his ear to stem the flow of tears caused by of Nishikido’s harsh words and Yamashita’s indifference.
“They don’t care. They just don’t care! I try making conversation, but they don’t even want to get to know us.”
“Nishikido-kun and Yamashita-kun are very stressed out. Okay, Shige? Give them some time.” Koyama had said softly.
“Yeah, I mean, Nishikido-kun has Kanjani8 to handle, and Yamashita-kun just seems to be a bit shy.” Kusano added.
“Then shouldn’t they, as senpai, make an effort to make it more comfortable between us?” Shige questioned and neither responded. “Nishikido-kun doesn’t even want to be in our group, and Yamashita-kun doesn’t care whether we thrive or die because he wanted to be with Toma-kun and the others.”
“They’ll come around. Don’t worry.” Koyama said hopefully. “And who knows? Maybe we all will become friends after they have settled down and gotten to know us a bit better.”
Shige held back the laugh that came to his mouth. It would do no good to demolish Koyama’s hopes when his and Kusano’s own rested so strongly on Koyama’s seemingly never-ending optimism.
YAMAPI
I don’t know when it started, this affection that I felt for NewS and the members. We had become quite comfortable as the years rolled forward and we realized we were stuck with each other (though Ryo-chan still harboured some hope, I think, to get away). I don’t think I quite realized it to be honest because I was young and immature. One day, I realized that I actually loved them - all of them despite their quirks and character flaws - no, because of them. They weren’t Toma or Jin but they had taken space in a piece of my heart and started to grow. I started to feel a bit like the leader I was supposed to be and began to take an interest in my bandmates. I thought things were starting to go well. That was -until the suspension.
I had known Uchi through Ryo-chan and Kusano and I had become rather friendly in the last couple of months, so it’s impossible to say that I didn’t feel a loss. Of course I did. We all did, even Tegoshi and Massu.
But what is true is that I didn’t suffer as much as Ryo-chan or Koyama and Shige. Without Uchi, Ryo-chan didn’t know what to do with himself, now that he realized that he was suddenly in a group where he actually didn’t know anyone but me. I wondered if he’d be okay - if he would try to connect with the other members now that he had no safety net in Uchi. I almost hoped he would. And with Kusano gone, Shige became even more introverted, less willing to open up to anyone other than Koyama. What I did suffer was a blow to my pride. I had hoped to actually become the leader of NewS in action not just name and what happened was that I lost my band. And there was nothing I could say or do to fix it. But I refused to allow anyone to see me falter in my belief that we could make this work. I had decided that it would, and I would do everything in my power to make sure of it.
When they announced the hiatus officially, I panicked. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t think of anyone but the members. When I slept, I would dream of Koyama’s goofy presence, Tegoshi’s beautiful voice, Massu’s wonderful smile, Shige’s intelligent eyes, Ryo-chan’s sarcastic remarks. It brought around a new energy, a new power in me that I hadn’t had before, and I remember telling everyone in our last meeting before the hiatus: “We will definitely come back. No matter when, in 10 years, in a couple of months, we will always be NewS.” So we went our separate ways - built ourselves up in the absence of the others and became stronger as individuals so we could come back a stronger NewS.
KOYAMA
Koyama had been having a tough time dealing with both the hiatus and his own personal situation. He was partially to blame for the problem. He knew he had been less than cheerful over the hiatus and uncertainty it filled him with. But if his boyfriend couldn’t deal with a serious Koyama, he wasn’t worth hanging on to anyway. The jackass of a boyfriend had dumped him, saying that he was tired of always playing second fiddle to the group even when it was, in his words, ‘defunct.’ Koyama had punched him in the face, then. Luckily for him the boy wouldn’t press charges because he was afraid that the truth of his sexual orientation might get out.
It was poor timing all around. This was a point in his life where he needed as much support as possible. Unfortunately his ex had proved to be a termite-ridden pillar that crumbled under the added weight of his sorrow. Having Shige around helped, but they were both suffering the same effects and sinking slowly. They did their best, however, to push each other forward in their solo activities and Koyama couldn’t help but remember Yamashita’s encouragement to build themselves up individually for a chance at a better NewS.
But despite his best efforts to hide his struggle, even Yamapi had taken him aside during the shooting of Kurosagi to ask what was wrong.
All Koyama said was “Boyfriend problems,” choosing the easiest explainable option. He patted Yamashita on the shoulder, smiled, and walked away, not noticing the flicker of surprise in Yamashita’s eyes.
YAMAPI
I was jealous of Koyama and his ability to wear his heart and his bisexuality on his sleeve, so to speak. He was never obviously blatant in his bisexuality he just never tried to hide it within the jimusho. So the people closest to him knew. And the rest just guessed. He’s always been so open and free. I envy that. I’m not trying to sound like I’m whining but it’s hard being Johnny’s poster boy. There’s extra pressure to be PC, to always give the right answers, to never say or do anything that might hurt either the jimusho’s or my reputation. No matter how much people say you can say one thing and feel another, over the years I’ve said the same things so often that it felt like I might mean it - and that was frightening. I don’t know when my onscreen self and my offscreen self started blending so much.
So, yes, I envied Koyama. I had hoped that by tending more carefully to our friendship, I might cultivate my own energy instead of borrowing so heavily from others. Maybe I’d be able to even out my off/on times. Because Koyama was always, is always, very, very on. I had hoped to learn his secret through the years but I think it’s just something inherently him. But I wanted to try and attain it myself, even if I had to work at it. It’s not that I didn’t like myself. Or that I didn’t have enough confidence. I just - wanted more.
KOYAMA
Let’s have coffee tomorrow, Koyama!
Koyama stared at his phone for a moment then a slow grin spread across his face as he texted back his excited agreement. He hadn’t seen Yamapi since he’d wrapped up his guest appearance on Kurosagi several weeks ago.
They sat across from each other in a café in Ebisu, hands wrapped around iced coffees and lounging in the air-conditioned cool of the room. “Thanks for inviting me today!” Koyama met Yamashita’s eyes and smiled.
Yamashita dropped his eyes to his cup and let his fingers slip along the condensation there. His smile was soft and slightly crooked, a shy smile that would make fangirls faint. “I’m glad you could come. It just feels so strange not seeing any of you guys for so long.”
Koyama grinned. “But I saw you a few weeks ago!”
Embarrassment colored his face and he avoided Koyama’s eyes. “Y-yeah, but it still feels like forever, doesn’t it?”
Koyama beamed. “Yes it does!”
“So what have you been up to?” Yamapi asked.
“Me? Oh, just this and that. I’ve been hanging out with Shige, helping at the restaurant. Oh, and I bumped into Tegoshi and Massu the other day.”
Yamapi’s eyes seemed to light up, and it made Koyama’s heart beat a little bit faster. “Really? How are they? Which school did Tegoshi get into again? And Shige is studying law right? What about Massu? I heard their single, and I was blown away! Not that I was surprised, really, but I’m so glad for them.”
“Woah Woah, slow down!” Koyama chuckled, not ready for the influx of questions coming his way. “Tegoshi got into Waseda. And yes, Shige is studying law and driving me crazy. And Massu is fine. He’s pretty excited about the unit, of course. And complaining about karaoke with Tegoshi.” His smirk said what he thought about that.
“Yeah. I haven’t heard from them at all. I mean other than Ryo-chan, you are the only person in NewS I’ve seen a lot of since the … hiatus.” Koyama noticed how he didn’t use the word suspension - as if this was just some short break that they all had agreed upon rather than an order from the jimusho.
Just then, two girls came giggling to the table, clearly looking for Yamapi.
“You are Yamashita-san right?” one of the girls asked, and Yamapi just nodded uncomfortably.
“We are really big fans of yours!”
“Ah, thank you.” There was an awkward pause. “I am sort of with my friend right now, so if you excuse us, we really have to get going.” He stood, picking up his cup and gesturing to Koyama. “Let’s go.” Yamapi said, and Koyama noticed that he was slightly blushing, tripping as they left the café and he smiled affectionately at his leader.
A few meters from the cafe Yamashita bobbed his head apologetically. “I hope you don’t mind, Koyama, I didn’t want to be interrupted. I mean, I want to know what everyone is up to.”
“It’s okay. I don’t think we’ve ever done this before, so it was a nice-“
“Exactly! We haven’t done this before!” Yamashita spoke abruptly. “We haven’t done this before. I haven’t done this before and I need to.” When they neared a bench on an off-street, he tugged Koyama’s sleeve as he sat, prompting the other man to follow. “Ryo is just as disconnected as I am and, well, I feel like I can trust you to help me get to know the other members. I think I need this. I think we need this. I can’t lead a band I don’t know. So I need your help, Koyama. You love NewS - anyone can see that. I want to love NewS too.” He turned serious eyes to his band-mate. “Please.”
Koyama was taken aback. He certainly was not expecting this outburst, but he could see the determination and a glimmer of hope in his leader’s eyes. He felt his own hope kindle brighter as it lit his smile and he agreed. From Yamashita’s resolute nod, he knew that everything would be fine. If they could come together now, they could make it work.
SHIGE
Shige was taken aback when Yamapi had greeted him and Koyama backstage at Johnny’s Countdown with back-slapping hugs. “Welcome back!” Shige could swear his eyes were sparkling - maybe that was, did he detect, tears? “Didn’t I tell you we would be NewS again?”
“Yes. Yes, you did.” Shige replied, smiling. Koyama was right - Yamapi had changed.
“Don’t hug him too tight, Pi - you might get boring-itis.” Shige heard Nishikido drawl.
“Why hello to you too, Nishikido-kun.” Shige turned around. “Glad to see that even if the world has changed, you remain the same.” He made bored eyes at Nishikido and raised his eyebrows.
“It’s what makes me awesome.” Nishikido said with a smirk, and that was all it took to get the entire group into fits of laughter.
Soon enough, they came back into their normal idol activities. Shige was juggling between college life and work activities, so he certainly kept busy. Koyama visited Shige as often as he could (which was quite often), and they would go off for lunch, or dinner, or sleepovers or anything that caught their fancy.
At work, things had gotten better. Nishikido had actually started to talk to Shige about music and they found that their interests matched rather well. He went shopping with Massu for hours, because Massu was by far the most indecisive person that Shige had ever met. Tegoshi continued to irk him no end, but he supposed that some things never did change.
Yamashita had the biggest change of all. Where he used to sit by himself in the room only talking with Nishikido or Uchi, now he played silly games with Tegoshi, goofed around with Koyama, and even had a food contest with Massu.
That had been more than hilarious. It had started one lunch when their manager took the food order and Massu ordered enough food to feed three people. Yamapi had guffawed and Ryo had the most long-suffering look Shige’d ever seen.
“Buta, if you keep that up you really will have a second stomach,” the Osakan said tartly.
“Ryo, pigs only have one stomach,” Shige told him.
“Not this one.”
As expected, Massu looked a little put out but then suddenly Yamashita whooped. “That’s it, make my order the same.” The manager looked put upon and the rest of NewS all stared at him in surprise. Yamashita never ate like that. Not that he couldn't put away some serious food but never to this extent - he was too concerned with his (money-making) girlish figure.
And when the food came he ate alongside Massu with glee, both taking turns shoving bits of their own food on the other’s plate when they thought the other wasn’t looking. Surprisingly (or maybe not surprisingly because Massu really knows how to enjoy food) Yamashita finished first and fist-pumped as he swallowed his last bite. Everyone was laughing so hard the room echoed.
The best part was about fifteen minutes later when Shige found Yamashita in the bathroom groaning over the sink, clutching his stomach. He quickly backed out without Yamashita having seen him and thought about the implications of the episode in the hallway.
Yamashita even called Shige to go to dinner for his birthday, just the two of them. Shige had been so nervous that day. This was Yamashita Tomohisa who had called him for dinner. Never mind that Shige and his mum were actually Nishikido fans (though he would die before he would admit it,) never mind that they worked in the same group. Super Idol, Johnny’s golden boy, Yamashita had actually called him for dinner.
He prepared himself for disaster.
And disaster it was. The place was slightly upscale, some place he would be comfortable at if it were Koyama he was with but with the ever-elegant Yamashita as his dining partner, he felt the clutz. He tripped over nothing, nearly choked on his food, put too much salt in his dinner, and, to top it off, dropped water on a poor unsuspecting waitress.
Yamapi had laughed then. He had said “Why don’t we go someplace else? This is too stuffy for me.” The younger man was intensely grateful for the way Yamashita shifted the responsibility onto himself so he nodded thankfully and they walked down to a nearby bar, and now that Shige was legally of age, he gleefully took the drink, eager to drink his nervousness away.
He could feel his nerves calming as he drank, and courage flowed through his veins. At Yamashita’s prompting, he started talking about everything, about juggling between school and work, a girl that he had been eyeing in class, his future.
It seems alcohol really did do the trick because when Yamashita was pleasantly buzzed and a bit red in the face he started waxing philosophic, animatedly joining in the discussion as he talked about his own hopes and fears - about how he missed everyone during the suspension, of how he had really really wanted to come back as NEW S and make it work. They were going along so well that before they knew it, they were smashed and still talking at 5 a.m.
“One more place,” Yamapi slurred and smiled at the younger man and who was Shige to resist? They finally parted ways at 7 a.m. and Yamashita got on the train for work, dead drunk and sleep-deprived but feeling that every moment of pain that would result from his night out had been totally worth it.
The next day they had work together Shige walked up to Yamapi, ignoring Nishikido’s questioning gaze and said brightly “Thank you, Yamashita-kun! I had a great time! Let’s do it again sometime.”
“Woah woah. What did I miss here?” Nishikido asked.
“Shige and Yamapi went out for Shige’s birthday, Ryo-chan!” Koyama interjected. “Yamashita-kun’s been working really hard at member-ai lately!”
“And why wasn’t I invited to this wonderful outing?”
“Sorry Ryo-chan. I didn’t know how much Shige wanted to risk a red mark on his shoulder from you on his own birthday. You know how you get when you are drunk.” Yamashita grinned cheekily at Ryo and punched his shoulder - and earned himself a ten-point scowl.
“Better than Shige,” Koyama supplied. “He starts crying and proclaiming his love for the world.”
Yamapi guffawed and nodded crazily and even Nishikido broke out into a smile. “Really now? This I have to see.”
“KOYAMA!” Shige glared at his best friend.
“What? He started it!” Koyama pointed at Yamapi and grinned.
“Did not.”
“Did too.”
“Did not!”
“DID TOO!”
Shige had looked at Ryo in exasperation. “So do you really cry when you’re drunk?” Ryo asked, fascinated.
“UGH!” Shige threw up his hands and walked away, but couldn’t help the smile on his face.
He could feel it - it was a new beginning.
YAMAPI
I’m not entirely sure what drew me to Shige. A big part was that I felt this overwhelming urge to get to know the other members. Plus, Koyama obviously thought he was something special (and I know Koyama loves everyone but he doesn’t spend hours a day, go on overnight/overseas trips, sleep over with all of them) and that meant it was a possibility worth exploring. It also helped that Shige was so open. He was emotionally delicate, yes, I knew that. But he also wore his heart on his sleeve, his emotions evident to anyone in sight. I’ve decided this is why both he and Koyama are terrible screen actors but doesn’t that make them a little more endearing, really - the inability to hide who they are?
RYO
Ryo was surprised to hear that Yamashita had invited Shige out for dinner and drinks for his birthday. Not because of anything else, but the fact that it was Shige surprised him. Yamapi had never hung out with Shige, never actually cared to. But he supposed his friend was trying to reach out toward a fellow band-mate and didn’t think much of it.
It was only when he had heard that Shige and Yamashita had gone out for drinks again that Ryo started to worry. Pi ... and Shige? Why the sudden interest? This had never happened before. Yamashita was perfectly nice to Shige, but why this sudden need to become best pals?
Ryo questioned his intentions, how platonic this friendship was. He had already caught Yamashita jerking off to gay porn when they were younger (o god, it was as scarring to think about it now as it was to find him like this then). He did not want Shige to find out about Pi's secret in any situation.
Ryo needed to shield Yamashita from himself, from the inevitable hole that he could create for himself by letting someone else in to his strange universe. Yamashita had gone through enough as a kid, had dealt with enough scandals and such - he did not need another one, particularly if it involved his own band member.
He needed to take emergency precautions. To protect Pi. He needed to do something, anything. So he started inviting himself to all of their little get-togethers. At first, he found it a bit odd - it was Shige after all. But once he actually saw them talk and interact, he let out a sigh of relief. There was nothing there but a burdgeoning friendship … so far, and Ryo would be an asshole now if he stopped this just because he was paranoid. Besides, Shige wasn’t that bad.
Especially when he had a little bit too much alcohol in him and started making smoochy faces to anything that moved, or anything he thought moved. Ryo made a note to himself to never let Shige live this down.
Ryo thought he knew why Yamashita spent so much time with Shige now. After hanging out a couple of times with Shige alone, Ryo realized that it was rather calming talking to him. Shige tried very hard not to judge (especially where his senpai were concerned,) listened patiently to everyone’s concerns. Ryo found himself quite liking this new Shige, the one who would talk back if snapped at, the one who would look him straight in the eye instead of at his feet.
In a strange way, Ryo became protective of Shige too. He hated to admit to himself (so he didn’t) that he actually liked the kid. He was fun to rile up and he was, in reality, pretty smart when you got down to it. It would sit on his conscience if anything happened to Shige because he failed to keep Pi off him. Not that there was any reason to think Yamashita had “fallen” for Shige but better to be safe than sorry. Ryo really started panicking when Yamashita said in one of his jweb entries that he imagined Shige’s smiling face when he was at the chiropractor, and that that is what got him through the pain. What was he doing? He couldn’t just parade his feelings whenever he wanted to. Didn’t Yamashita realize that his actions had consequences? What was the world going to think now?
The problem was he couldn’t outright come and tell Yamapi, “Yo, Pi, back off Shige, he isn’t that sort.” He knew Yamashita knew that, really, so there would be no point in saying it but he felt like he ought to remind the idol that he was, in fact, an idol. He had obligations to himself, his family, the agency and his band-mates who could be hurt by this sort of attention. Especially if Shige caught on and there was too much tension between the two.
Nor could he say, “Hey Shige, careful of Pi, he is different.” He couldn’t just betray his friend’s trust like that. Not that Yamashita had ever told him that he was bi or gay or anything like that, but Ryo had (cleverly) deduced it.
YAMAPI
I wasn’t sure why, suddenly, Ryo wanted to hang out with me and Shige. Ryo had had a weird aversion to the younger Osakan since the group had first formed and though he had begun to warm up to him slightly (and by that I mean he held back 1 in 10 rude comments and managed to look a little less frigid when Shige talked to him) he had never really shown an interest in actually getting to know Shige. But I wasn’t going to complain - like Koyama said, our “member-ai” needed some work.
But Ryo would panic anytime Shige and I got close (and that was pretty often after Shige had downed a couple drinks.) And that’s when I realized Ryo’s real reason for tagging along. I was hurt but the way he went about “protecting me from myself” was so heartily amusing that it took the sting out.
RYO
Ryo considered himself a good friend to Yamashita. Hadn’t he kept his secret all these years? Hadn’t he kept up their friendship without a hitch? Hadn’t he spent hours and hours with Yamashita and Shige being utterly boring in restaurants and bars? Well, okay, maybe they hadn’t been utterly boring but if anyone told Shige otherwise, they were in for a tongue lashing and not the good kind. He was quite willing to go out on a limb for Yamashita - that had been established. So, on that inauspicious evening, his actions could partially be excused.
It had started like any other night - a light dinner out and then a stop in to some bar they had never been to but had heard about through the grapevine. Shige was a little stressed because of an upcoming exam and Yamashita figured that the best way to relax him was to keep loading him up with shots - but drunk Shige is not pretty. True to all stories, Shige began to loosen up and then grin idiotically and then, and then, he began to drape himself all over Yamashita telling the man how much he loved him.
“Yamashita-kun,” he slurred, idiotic grin in place, “I love you, man.” Yamashita’s nostrils flared as his face split open in a huge smile, eyes twinkling merrily. Yes, twinkling and merrily damnit. “No, really. I do. You’re always here for me even though you’re a bussy…bossy…bizzy guy. You know? And even when you’re ‘off’ you’re still pretty damn cool to me.”
Ryo noticed Shige’s bad case of wandering hands as Shige gripped Yamashita’s shoulder with his left hand for support and let the other slide down to fall on the other man’s thigh. That was it. Ryo couldn’t watch Yamashita suffer anymore (let it not be said that Ryo was anything but magnanimous in this moment.) He hauled Shige off Yamashita and planted a kiss straight on Shige’s startled lips. “What about me,” he drawled the non-question.
Yamashita and Shige both looked at Ryo as though he’d grown two heads. Yamashita’s eyes narrowed as he tried to focus on Ryo, his brows furrowing as he tried to chase a fleeting thought. Then Shige giggled and wrapped himself around Ryo. “Nishikido-kun, I love you too. Like a pet cactus. ‘Cause yer pointy and sharp and rude but still a little sweet sometimes.” He punctuated each of his points with a finger jabbing at Ryo’s stomach.
Ryo struggled to remove Shige from his person. “Cacti cannot possibly be considered rude, Shige.” Ryo noticed that Yamashita was not being nearly as magnanimous as himself and was sitting there letting Ryo fend Shige off on his own, laughing hard enough to fall off his stool.
YAMAPI
It was after this episode that I realized Ryo’s ulterior motives. I was alternately angry, upset, and understanding of what Ryo was doing. But it was when I decided that maybe I needed a friend who was a little more accepting of me in regards to my homosexuality. I appreciated Ryo and his friendship and all he’d done for me but I needed something else too.
I’ll never know why it wasn’t Koyama I thought of first. Maybe because he was the obvious choice and my mind doesn’t work intelligently like that. Maybe it was because I was spending more time with Shige than Koyama recently. I don’t know. But I decided that it was time to let the cat out of the bag to someone trustworthy and accepting. Being around a person who was so open with his feelings actually made me feel a little more free. I had the sense that he was trustworthy. He opens his mouth a lot but he has the sense not to speak words he absolutely shouldn’t. Shige had accepted Koyama’s bisexuality without difficulty (so I heard) so perhaps he would do the same for me. So I spent more time with him, got to know him better and ultimately felt comfortable enough to share my secret. I could only hope that my wish be rewarded. His reaction wasn’t exactly reassuring at first, but we ended up all right.
SHIGE
Shige, on his part, was entirely clueless. He was rather happy when Yamashita invited him out to dinner and drinks more often. Talking with the older man was always interesting, as the topics of conversation could range widely. They discussed completely mundane subjects like the despicability of household chores and sharing the latest juicy tidbit on Fujigaya or whoever else happened to be prime material at the time. He also liked those moments when they were slipping between tipsy and drunk and Yamashita told him things that were meant to be kept secret, whispered carefully in his ears. It didn’t happen often but,when it did, it was something he cherished because Shige knew that Yamashita only revealed himself to people he was comfortable with.
But even Shige was shocked and taken aback when Yamapi told him that he was gay.
It was a late Friday night, and both of them were sitting at the bar, each drinking their beer. The topics of conversation had died, and they just sipped and stared at the counter, not sure what to say. They were usually quite comfortable in their silence but this night was different - there was a definite tension in the air.
“Wow, this is kind of awkward.” Shige said with a slight smile on his face.
Yamapi just groaned and hid his face in his hands. Something was apparently troubling him.
“Yamashita-kun?” Shige asked concerned. Yamashita had never acted this way before. His leader was normally really bouncy when he drank.
“Shige. Can I tell you a secret?” His voice came out muffled by the arm he’d attempted to bury his head under.
“You’ve told me secrets before.” Shige pointed out.
“But this is different.” There was something in Yamashita’s tone of voice that made Shige realize that perhaps this one was a little more secret than the others.
“You can trust me, Yamashita-kun.” Shige said.
Yamashita looked at him intensely, sizing Shige up, and it made him squirm in his seat.
“Promise you won’t tell anyone?”
“I promise.”
“And promise me that you won’t hate me?”
“I couldn’t hate you, Yamashita-kun!”
“Promise me.” His expression was deadly serious.
Shige tightened his grip on his drink. “I promise.”
“Alright,” Yamapi brought his tone down to a whisper and leaned in close to Shige. “I like men.”
“We all do Yamashita-kun. Men are awesome. That’s why you’re hanging out with me.” Shige said a bit stupidly.
“No. Shige. I like men. As more than friends.”
Shige’s eyes grew as wide as saucers as realization hit him. Yamashita? Gay? This was one of the strangest things to ever happen to him, and now he wanted to take back the promise, everything he said before. Why? "Why hadn’t he waited till both of them were so smashed to hell that neither would remember in the morning?" He let go of his drink and pushed his chair back abruptly.
“I have to go, Yamashita-kun.” Shige rushed out of the restaurant, ignoring Yamashita’s “Shige! Wait!”
His feet assumed a frantic pace as he fled the scene. He could have never imagined Yamashita as gay. Then again, he had never actively thought about it, always assuming that Yamapi liked girls. He and Ryo and Yamashita had had their fair share of x-rated conversations and never once had a man been the object of attention.
He paused, a block from the restaurant. Why was he running away? He sank down onto a bench and lowered his head. What was the problem? It wasn’t so much that Yamashita was gay that bothered him, it was more that it was too much of a shock to handle at that moment. Now that he’d stopped to think, Shige felt bad about walking out on Yamashita-kun. He was a hypocrite. After all, he respected Koyama’s bisexuality, why couldn’t he respect Yamashita’s sexual orientation? He hadn’t changed from yesterday to tonight. The Yamashita who’d just confessed his secret was the same Yamashita who got him drunk and laughed some nights away; the same Yamashita who was sometimes reserved and sometimes so silly Shige couldn’t take it. Why should it matter who he liked?
After a good half hour of thinking and feeling guilty, Shige walked back to bar to see Yamapi still sipping his drink with a forlorn expression on his face.
Shige made his way back to the counter and it was a testament to Yamashita’s preoccupation that he didn’t notice the younger man slipping back into his seat until Shige quietly said his name.
“Shige?” Yamashita looked up, surprised. “I thought you had gone!”
Shige could see the hope in Yamapi’s face and asked gently, “Why? Because you are gay?” Shige blushed and looked away. “I just needed some fresh air. You shocked me.” He inclined his head toward Yamashita. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did. I’m really okay with it. I figure if you wanted to jump me, you’ve had plenty of drunken nights to do so. And even then, I think I’d be more flattered than anything.” A grin spread across his face.
“So…” Yamashita toyed with his glass. “You don’t hate me?”
Shige laughed. “I could never hate you. So what if you like men? I don’t care, as long as you’re happy.” He said the last bit with a bravado that made Yamashita smile. “Next time, though, give a guy some warning?”
Yamashita clapped him on the back. “You’re a good guy, Shige,” and Shige could see the stress and tension draining away from his face and shoulders.
“Tell me something I don’t know.” Shige said and winked. Yamashita snorted and smacked him on the head.
On to part 2.