(no subject)
Wow.
So I'm looking back at my entries from 2004 and realizing how much smarter I was back then, or at least how much better I was at expressing myself. I really think smoking has taken a lot from me, if not by actually making me dumber at least by lulling me into a complacency that isn't neccessarily healthy. At the very least I am a lot less confident than I was when I started this journal. I don't really know if that is a good thing or a bad thing, because I was definitely cocky at some points, but right now I'm so far from where I was then that I almost don't remember that part of my life. Its like getting what I wanted for a little while sent me instantly spiraling back to the mid highschool days. Am I really less thoughtful? Do I just have less to think about. I don't know if any of that is fair, and I guess I have to leave room for myself changing, but I feel like I need to find a balance somewhere. I can be a good person and still be confident. I have really isolated myself a lot this last year, which is noones fault but my own.
I guess my life is really a product of my decisions. That theory is much more acceptable right now than I found it in highschool. I never name dropped like henry or will, because I never had the names to do it, but I was still thinking and still doing something. Its time for me to be a grownup, and thats really the hardest transition to make, because noone can prepare you for it. Its easy to make that step really hard to take too, and a wrong step can really fuck you up. Maybe I'm just channelling here. Maybe Maybe Maybe.
Alex Terry said something to me the other day that I can't remember exactly because I was drunk as hell, but it was basically about how my situation wasn't that bad. He said he knew a lot of people who were in really shitty situations just because they had made bad decisions. I have at least avoided that, and I can't say I've ever really done anything I will regret for a long time. Letting Brantley back in was a mistake, but it taught me a lot too. I don't know. Its all cycles, weak then strong then empty then full, complacency and dissatisfaction. None of it is really good or bad, just a process. I am thankful for all the friends I do have who are good to me, especially those who have been really helpful to me in the last few weeks. You know who you are. Maybe I really didn't get the raw end of this deal. I mean, I did, but everything isn't as simple as it seemed a week ago, and I'm realizing motives and factors that I didn't even know existed and noone will really understand for a while at least.
I hope everyone is going to be ok, thanks for bearing with me. Its time to start thinking again, start moving again, start living.
I'm almost 21, its time to start drinking again (though maybe not as hard or often as I have been).
I'm turning into an old man, I'm about to pass out at midnight.
So I'm looking back at my entries from 2004 and realizing how much smarter I was back then, or at least how much better I was at expressing myself. I really think smoking has taken a lot from me, if not by actually making me dumber at least by lulling me into a complacency that isn't neccessarily healthy. At the very least I am a lot less confident than I was when I started this journal. I don't really know if that is a good thing or a bad thing, because I was definitely cocky at some points, but right now I'm so far from where I was then that I almost don't remember that part of my life. Its like getting what I wanted for a little while sent me instantly spiraling back to the mid highschool days. Am I really less thoughtful? Do I just have less to think about. I don't know if any of that is fair, and I guess I have to leave room for myself changing, but I feel like I need to find a balance somewhere. I can be a good person and still be confident. I have really isolated myself a lot this last year, which is noones fault but my own.
I guess my life is really a product of my decisions. That theory is much more acceptable right now than I found it in highschool. I never name dropped like henry or will, because I never had the names to do it, but I was still thinking and still doing something. Its time for me to be a grownup, and thats really the hardest transition to make, because noone can prepare you for it. Its easy to make that step really hard to take too, and a wrong step can really fuck you up. Maybe I'm just channelling here. Maybe Maybe Maybe.
Alex Terry said something to me the other day that I can't remember exactly because I was drunk as hell, but it was basically about how my situation wasn't that bad. He said he knew a lot of people who were in really shitty situations just because they had made bad decisions. I have at least avoided that, and I can't say I've ever really done anything I will regret for a long time. Letting Brantley back in was a mistake, but it taught me a lot too. I don't know. Its all cycles, weak then strong then empty then full, complacency and dissatisfaction. None of it is really good or bad, just a process. I am thankful for all the friends I do have who are good to me, especially those who have been really helpful to me in the last few weeks. You know who you are. Maybe I really didn't get the raw end of this deal. I mean, I did, but everything isn't as simple as it seemed a week ago, and I'm realizing motives and factors that I didn't even know existed and noone will really understand for a while at least.
I hope everyone is going to be ok, thanks for bearing with me. Its time to start thinking again, start moving again, start living.
I'm almost 21, its time to start drinking again (though maybe not as hard or often as I have been).
I'm turning into an old man, I'm about to pass out at midnight.