another heart to heart with my livejournal...
today has made me feel good. i woke up early, refreshed from the day before, i passed back through time and rewarded myself with memories that i hold so dear. i showered and went out with my dad and sister. the last few days with my dad have been wonderful. hes funny and i think im keeping a sane mind about him by always being there to remind him he doesnt have to drink to have fun.
sorry to those who have witnessed me as of latley. im a little high strung, trying to figure out what im doing next year. all i want is for school to be done, i need to really focus this time. but the whole idea i had about taking my last 8 credits and finishing is really slipping from my mind when im trying to find myself a career to hang on to while i put my future in my hands. finally they are letting me train to serve at my work. im excited, so excited to be moving up and not down for once. but now im looking at this and thinking how i cant go back for full days at school because if i want to serve i have to have my shedual free in the day time. im even just hoping i cant do two credits in the morning and make it to work on time.
and other then that i have my crazy mind spinning absorbing the negativity crashing through the world. stress leaves me concerned about the smallest things and making all of that so hard for me to deal with. i somehow meet these wonderful people and then turn it all around thinking maybe they arent wonderful yet they havent done anything to me. im just caught in this web still, the one where i feel im not deserving enough to have all these wonderful things. i feel like all the negativity in my life is just not over and im stuck here feeding off of the horrible things that have happened to me. i always make an effort to be an impact on someones life because i want to help someone to help myself. see the good in myself through someone elses words and expressions toward me. and somehow i always seem to feel like i fail myself.
and there are those few people that make a stand in telling me back to my face how they hold me so dear. there are some that arent affraid to say openly their thoughts and opinions about me. i wish the world acted like that more often and we werent affraid to say "i admire you for these reasons"...list them... i want to be able to just say "you are brilliant, you're strong, you're beautiful" and someone not think im coming on to them. because kind words build up the immune in our hearts and we can battle the horrible as if it were nothing.
we need a common ground where we can stand and say we are all the same, we are people and we all need to feel importance, so express it.
sorry to those who have witnessed me as of latley. im a little high strung, trying to figure out what im doing next year. all i want is for school to be done, i need to really focus this time. but the whole idea i had about taking my last 8 credits and finishing is really slipping from my mind when im trying to find myself a career to hang on to while i put my future in my hands. finally they are letting me train to serve at my work. im excited, so excited to be moving up and not down for once. but now im looking at this and thinking how i cant go back for full days at school because if i want to serve i have to have my shedual free in the day time. im even just hoping i cant do two credits in the morning and make it to work on time.
and other then that i have my crazy mind spinning absorbing the negativity crashing through the world. stress leaves me concerned about the smallest things and making all of that so hard for me to deal with. i somehow meet these wonderful people and then turn it all around thinking maybe they arent wonderful yet they havent done anything to me. im just caught in this web still, the one where i feel im not deserving enough to have all these wonderful things. i feel like all the negativity in my life is just not over and im stuck here feeding off of the horrible things that have happened to me. i always make an effort to be an impact on someones life because i want to help someone to help myself. see the good in myself through someone elses words and expressions toward me. and somehow i always seem to feel like i fail myself.
and there are those few people that make a stand in telling me back to my face how they hold me so dear. there are some that arent affraid to say openly their thoughts and opinions about me. i wish the world acted like that more often and we werent affraid to say "i admire you for these reasons"...list them... i want to be able to just say "you are brilliant, you're strong, you're beautiful" and someone not think im coming on to them. because kind words build up the immune in our hearts and we can battle the horrible as if it were nothing.
we need a common ground where we can stand and say we are all the same, we are people and we all need to feel importance, so express it.