Letting sunshine in

[electricklove]

My negativity and harshness lately I've come to realize have been so prevalent because these reactions compose a "tough" mask for the sadness I am trying to bury inside of myself and ignore. Normally I would wallow, or  it would be very obvious that I am sad or unhappy because I am generally a person who wears my heart on my sleeve and does not try to bullshit people and couldn't even begin to try when it comes to emotions. But the inevitable changes in so many relationships since the end of high school and the beginning of transitional-real-life  is really getting me down. The strange thing is to me, I didn't stop to acknowledge how upsetting this is to me. Usually, being an extroverted and social person, my relationships would be a very infuential part of what forms my moods or activities, but the heaviness of reality and responsibility that i've learned since moving out, and the disappointment from seeing people change has made me more independent of that I suppose, and more removed. I haven't stopped moving and just felt sad or introspective in a while, which could be a good lifeskill to have (the ability to keep on when things are bad), but I think too much insensitivity has made me lose sight of the qualities that I liked best about myself, like sensitivity and sympathy. Sometimes the cutting edges of the words that come out of my mouth astonish me, because I never thought of myself as such a harsh person, but I am realizing that that is what I am becoming and I hate it. I suppose I am somewhat naive to believe that I can hold on to such innocent and good qualities for so long considering the way the world is which is so full of bad people and hate and bullshit, but I want to try and retain that part of me for as long as possible, because lately I haven't felt just quite like myself. I suppose I should just face the old cliche that The only Constant is Change, because I'm finding it to be true and no matter how much I want them to, situations will not go backward into how they used to be, only forward into how I choose to react and shape them, and the sides I show to other people. I want all my reactions and interactions to be more positive overall, especially with my closest friends, who see all the aspects of my personality even the bad sides. I want those bad sides to be better, and I will not let myself get sucked in to other people's negativity.
I'm resolving to read more books since I used to spend a majority of my time doing so, and draw more, because I have not focused enough on that at all, in a big way. I think that by spending a little time doing things by myself, I'll be just a little more sweet and kind from reaching some sort of peace with who I am and enriching who I am with expressing myself doing things that I love. This all sounds sappy and shit, but I want to be better and I want to be proactive about it. I want to love myself beacuse I used to, and now I don't I can see all those things I loved about me slipping away, and many people I loved slipping away with them. I want to know that I didn't just let these changes happen to me, and upon looking back , know that I tried to better myself in order to create better situations and relations with other people that I care about.
I want to be filled with love! I used to bake and draw and love and bask in affection! what the FUCK!?