I'm sick
of having to emotionally distance myself from people beacuse of distance,
or other issues they have to deal with
that make them unable to even
see me, ever
be with me
be there for me
or substantially and/or reliably care about me
I'm not cut out for this
and by no means do I deserve to be very last priority, whether it's because of more pressing responsibilities or by someone else's choice.
it hurts in a way that doesnt hurt at all because i'm distant from it.
because if i dont distance myself i would be really fucking sad all the fucking time fuck about the distance and the lack of love that has in the past always been so ever-present in my life I've always had someone, something, anything. maybe that's a weakness. Probably that's a weakness. but being brutally honest with myself, i love to be loved more than anything. being distant and alone goes against what i would say is my basic nature as an extroverted, sociable, dependent girl: which is to be close to people.
i hate it I hate having to just keep going with my life even though i want to lay down and die for a week until I feel better again about a lot of different people and events that made me feel bad in the past six months. but i learned last year it's the cliché unfairness of life that I have to grin and bear it pretty much all of the time. I'm sure a lot of people were this way sooner than I. im sure a lot of people learned this a long time ago. my comfortable lifestyle before allowed heartbreak or sadness to be one of my biggest problems that impacted me the most compared to my other problems. everything stopped for a breakup, everything stopped for a fight. now its just a minor detail because I have taught myself to stop caring and detach. medicate and deal. sleep it off, wake up and move on. it's disheartening when I stop and think about it. It's not who I want to be, but it's who I have to be considering the people I choose to care about.
it was easier when i was 15 and could lay in my room and listen to Brand New and sob and rip up notes and wallow in self pity for as long as I felt like. but nowi'm
being a grown up. keeping busy and paying bills and going to class and actually doing all the reading for my classes and pretending like I'm glad to be at parties, trying to hold conversations with new people who are all really just fucks so far.I have to try and keep myself distracted from the looming past, so my mind is full of thoughts and newknowledge and my body is active and i'm going places and doing things
but a lot of the time i'm doing them alone. Sometimes literally alone, sometimes not.
but always feeling figuratively, emotionally more alone than before.
which even though i feel more sad and disillusioned overall, maybe confirms that i'm in the most independent chapter of my life so far. I should be so proud. I should be so adult. Maybe I should be one of those girls, that can break hearts and take names and be a bitch and never feel bad. I can't. I can cope better than I ever have before though. It's been like falling from a high high cliff in slow motion; i can look up and see the jagged edges where i was at one point dangling for so many months and years. people I've dangled from. stuck around for. i'm still there for them, often at the cost of my own happiness, but i've always been glad to do it, it's always been instinctual to put other people first for me. It's been a great weakness of mine perhaps. Now i'm falling away, more like floating, more like floating and not touching anything. Is it necessary to be an island? i dont want to be an island. I have to be an island. Do i have to be an island? i have to be an island to get by.
or other issues they have to deal with
that make them unable to even
see me, ever
be with me
be there for me
or substantially and/or reliably care about me
I'm not cut out for this
and by no means do I deserve to be very last priority, whether it's because of more pressing responsibilities or by someone else's choice.
it hurts in a way that doesnt hurt at all because i'm distant from it.
because if i dont distance myself i would be really fucking sad all the fucking time fuck about the distance and the lack of love that has in the past always been so ever-present in my life I've always had someone, something, anything. maybe that's a weakness. Probably that's a weakness. but being brutally honest with myself, i love to be loved more than anything. being distant and alone goes against what i would say is my basic nature as an extroverted, sociable, dependent girl: which is to be close to people.
i hate it I hate having to just keep going with my life even though i want to lay down and die for a week until I feel better again about a lot of different people and events that made me feel bad in the past six months. but i learned last year it's the cliché unfairness of life that I have to grin and bear it pretty much all of the time. I'm sure a lot of people were this way sooner than I. im sure a lot of people learned this a long time ago. my comfortable lifestyle before allowed heartbreak or sadness to be one of my biggest problems that impacted me the most compared to my other problems. everything stopped for a breakup, everything stopped for a fight. now its just a minor detail because I have taught myself to stop caring and detach. medicate and deal. sleep it off, wake up and move on. it's disheartening when I stop and think about it. It's not who I want to be, but it's who I have to be considering the people I choose to care about.
it was easier when i was 15 and could lay in my room and listen to Brand New and sob and rip up notes and wallow in self pity for as long as I felt like. but nowi'm
being a grown up. keeping busy and paying bills and going to class and actually doing all the reading for my classes and pretending like I'm glad to be at parties, trying to hold conversations with new people who are all really just fucks so far.I have to try and keep myself distracted from the looming past, so my mind is full of thoughts and newknowledge and my body is active and i'm going places and doing things
but a lot of the time i'm doing them alone. Sometimes literally alone, sometimes not.
but always feeling figuratively, emotionally more alone than before.
which even though i feel more sad and disillusioned overall, maybe confirms that i'm in the most independent chapter of my life so far. I should be so proud. I should be so adult. Maybe I should be one of those girls, that can break hearts and take names and be a bitch and never feel bad. I can't. I can cope better than I ever have before though. It's been like falling from a high high cliff in slow motion; i can look up and see the jagged edges where i was at one point dangling for so many months and years. people I've dangled from. stuck around for. i'm still there for them, often at the cost of my own happiness, but i've always been glad to do it, it's always been instinctual to put other people first for me. It's been a great weakness of mine perhaps. Now i'm falling away, more like floating, more like floating and not touching anything. Is it necessary to be an island? i dont want to be an island. I have to be an island. Do i have to be an island? i have to be an island to get by.