How I Won't Be Spending This Summer Vacation
Whitney Matheson laid out a delicious spread in one of her most recent articles for USA Today entitled "How I Won't Be Spending My Summer Vacation". I appreciated the fact that I wasn't the only person who couldn't say "boojy" with a straight face. She asked readers to comment on what we'd be avoiding this summer, and I jumped on that faster than the $2.99 Victoria's Secret v-string sale. So without furher adiue:
What I won't be doing this summer...
1. Jumping on the "Poor Brad Pitt!" bandwagon: Viral meningitis, my arse. Homeboy has straight up SARS from globe-trotting with Angelina and her mohawk baby.
2. Congratulating Courtney Love on her rehab efforts: I give her another sixteen hours before she gets loaded, drops trou, verbally assaults an airline worker, loses custody of her kid, and incoherently addresses the press. Not necessarily in that order.
3. Acting surprised when Britney Spears breaks up with what's-his-name: Never mind the fact he already has two kids and baby mama drama. Forget the fact he's regularly photographed in various boob bars while Britney's back home working on Lamaze. When it comes time to change the diapers and calm a teething child, Britney's going to realize Kevin's too busy playing X-Box and buying do-rags than to take on more parenting responsibilities.
4. Campaigning to "Feed Mary-Kate": Who can compete with all those pro-ana/mia LiveJournal communities who look to her for "thinspiration"? Not I!
5. Following any scary fashion trends: Floor scraping linen skirts. Oversized beaded necklaces. Cowboy boots. More reasons to participate in ritual suicide.
What I won't be doing this summer...
1. Jumping on the "Poor Brad Pitt!" bandwagon: Viral meningitis, my arse. Homeboy has straight up SARS from globe-trotting with Angelina and her mohawk baby.
2. Congratulating Courtney Love on her rehab efforts: I give her another sixteen hours before she gets loaded, drops trou, verbally assaults an airline worker, loses custody of her kid, and incoherently addresses the press. Not necessarily in that order.
3. Acting surprised when Britney Spears breaks up with what's-his-name: Never mind the fact he already has two kids and baby mama drama. Forget the fact he's regularly photographed in various boob bars while Britney's back home working on Lamaze. When it comes time to change the diapers and calm a teething child, Britney's going to realize Kevin's too busy playing X-Box and buying do-rags than to take on more parenting responsibilities.
4. Campaigning to "Feed Mary-Kate": Who can compete with all those pro-ana/mia LiveJournal communities who look to her for "thinspiration"? Not I!
5. Following any scary fashion trends: Floor scraping linen skirts. Oversized beaded necklaces. Cowboy boots. More reasons to participate in ritual suicide.