(no subject)
I'm getting really fucking sick of being trapped here. Like seriously, i've had it. I regret not getting out when I had the chance. I'm sick of feeling like the walls are watching me, i'm tired of you eavesdropping and butting in on conversations that don't involve you, i'm sick of you going into my room any time you want and rearranging whatever you feel like, i'm sick of your stupid hissy fits when I don't come home because "you can't sleep until i'm home", i'm sick of you holding everything you do for me over my head, i'm sick of you trashing the kitchen and blaming it on nat and me, I'm sick of you turning off the internet early so "i'll get to bed on time", i'm just sick of you. Fuck you. Most of the shit you do for me, I never ask for. You are the root cause of my anxiety and my depression but you'd freak the fuck out if I said that to your face because you want to live in your selfish fucking bubble and be a martyr and bitch that i'm such a terrible person because "look at everything I do for youuu!!!" and bitching that I don't respect you. Well guess what? You have NEVER respected me or nat. EVER. There's a reason neither of us talk to you. You don't respect our privacy, our boundaries, even our basic health, my food allergies, the fact that i'm pre-diabetic and the fact i'm trying to be healthy are a burden to you. Don't even get me started on our mental health. And we're supposed to just sit down, shut up, obey and respect you? Good joke. Do you think I don't remember all the fucked up stuff you've said to me? Like the time I was having a panic attack and sarah was trying to calm me down, and you accused me of "faking it for attention"? Or every time I actually told you about a problem I was having and you either yelled at me or made it your problem. Or even recently when I was having a panic attack and tried to explain my depression to you and how I felt and you turned it around to make it all about you. Or how all through middle school when my teachers, especially mr. donahue and mrs. byrne, would give me absolute hell because of the way I dressed and use my slipping grades as an excuse and pretend to be concerned and call you, and then I'd have to come home to you screaming about something I wore or something I drew. Mr. donahue fucking loved calling you especially. I remember how fucking smug he looked when he told me he called you because I was wearing a Jackass t-shirt and how angry you were about it. And you had the nerve to scream at me when I started cutting, the ONLY WAY I could deal with all the shit I took from you, my peers and my teachers, and you found out about it. It never once occurred to you that maybe you were exacerbating all the shit I was dealing with at the time, that you were the cherry on top of the shit sundae. The one time you apologized to me for how you treated me was when they found out about my thyroid problem, but when the pills didn't magically fix all my problems, nothing changed. To this day you're the same manipulative control freak you always were, you're just trying to take control in different ways. I don't have to take that from ANYONE, and you're not exempt because you gave birth to me. I've dealt with bullies my entire fucking life and you're the only one left, the worst of all of them. And you shit your pants at the prospect of me taking control over my own life so you try to smother me with your bullshit rules and restrictions and nagging and trying to tell me how do do my job (in retail AND aesthetics), you make me doubt my skills, you've pretty much killed off every shred of confidence I had. I'm so fucking done with feeling like this. YOU are the one that needs to sit the fuck down, shut up, and realize that i'm almost 24, I am the one with the cosmetology and aesthetics licenses and education, I AM NOT YOU, and i'm sick of everyone telling me how to run my life and making me insecure. I'd like to see you try to do either one of my jobs because obviously you can do all of them better than me. And I can't wait for the day where I finally have the money to get out of here, away from you.