(no subject)
Damn, if there was ever a sign that I need to cut someone out of my life for good, this feeling is it. I spent all of Tuesday bagging up A's shit, scrubbing, cleaning, vacuuming, rearranging my room and getting it all in order, and then doing a sage smoke cleanse. I feel like I have my space back finally. And since it's finally coming together and looking how I want it to, it feels almost like a brand new room. There is no way in fucking hell he's coming back here again. The energy in the whole house finally feels peaceful again and I feel like I can breathe.
My only issue is that I have two filled-to-capacity bags full of his stuff in my car now, and I need to get them to him somehow. I *really* don't want to see him again. I've been avoiding him for the past 4 days on fb messenger. I turned off all notifications for it and I've been trying to stay off Facebook as much as possible because I don't want to see the increasing number of messages in my inbox. I know exactly what I'm in for as soon as I go back and check my messages and it makes my blood absolutely boil thinking about it. So I'm laying low and trying to figure out how to get his shit to him without actually interacting with him at all.
Honestly just thinking about him pisses me the fuck off at indescribable levels. I keep thinking of all the stupid shit he's said and just his mindset with everything. I just can't get over the fucking AUDACITY. Like holy shit. He really thought he could just come here and make it his own little sanctuary and get comfortable. Literally eating my roommates' food that I specifically told him not to touch because it's not mine and I don't pay for it, but if he did finish it all off, I would be the one replacing it anyway because he's pretty much been leeching off me for the past month and doesn't pay for anything except weed sometimes. Then leaving dirty dishes ON THE FLOOR, and my roommate stepped barefoot into a tupperware full of peanut butter and jelly one day. Before that he helped himself to one of the peanut butter cups I bought without asking me first (which are 10 fucking dollars for 5 of them every time I buy them so I ration them and savor them for as long as I possibly can), didn't even fucking finish it and left that next to the couch. I also have a VERY strict rule against food in my room. There are two things that I absolutely cannot stand and it's food in my bedroom, especially if it leaves crumbs in my bed, and hair in my sink. I've told him multiple times not to fucking bring or eat food in my bedroom and he acts like I'm horribly inconveniencing him every single time. Like...??? Hi, last time I checked, you don't pay rent here and this is MY room, not OUR room or YOUR room. Get it straight, motherfucker. If you want to dirty up a room and leave dirty dishes all over the floor you can do it in your own fucking apartment. Then just the fact that after I let him stay over like three times he just started moving stuff in. I just woke up one day and he had brought a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, and a shower pouf into my bathroom. Just assumed it would be okay to start keeping shit in my bathroom without asking. Who the fuck does that? Like maybe bring an overnight bag like any person with any semblance of manners would instead moving things into my space. We weren't even dating at the time, we had just cuddled a few times at that point. Hell, we're not even really dating NOW, he just assumed that since we fuck and cuddle and he decided to make his happy ass way too comfortable in this house that he's my boyfriend. NO. I know the underlying message of the book "If You Give A Mouse A Cookie" is really shitty, but in this case it's right on the money.
And the KICKER, ohhh my god the fucking KICKER, is that a day after the huge blow up he messaged me and was telling me about how he was over at his friend's house, and his friend had a huge argument with his ex-girlfriend while he was there. So he asked me when he could see me next because he needed to get away from all the chaos. BITCH. YOU ARE NOT WELCOME HERE ANYMORE. YOU ARE BANISHED. FUCK YOU. You're never setting foot in this house, let alone my space in this house, ever again if I can help it and you're sure as hell never staying overnight again. How fucking entitled are you? Literally the only reason I haven't blocked your ass on social media is because I still haven't figured out how to return your shit to you so I can shut you out of my life completely.
I don't know if this amount of anger is an overreaction to the situation, but damn. I'm trying to finally get my life in order, figure myself out and grow from everything I've endured in the past few years. I don't have the time or patience to basically mother an overgrown teenager. I'm done with that shit. If you're going to hinder me rather than help me grow and encourage my artistic skills, then bye bitch. And I know you think you're "helping" me, but let me tell you something. You haven't done shit. Your version of "helping" is treating me like a broken object that needs to be coddled, fixed, and molded to your liking so you can feel like a hero and feed your ego. If you wanted an easily manipulated, desperate damsel in distress, you're about 14 years too fucking late for that. You might be perpetually stuck at age 16, but I'm not and I don't need your brand of "help".
Furthermore, if you think you have some kind of upper hand in this relationship, you're even dumber than I thought. Literally the only thing you've given me that's even slightly worth anything is good sex, and even then it's not even consistently good. Honestly even if it was great, it still wouldn't be enough for me to keep you around. I'd rather fuck myself than get stuck in a relationship with a patronizing, narcissistic asshole with a huge martyr complex again. Oh and another thing, you're not a "dom" just because you give a decent smack on the ass and aren't afraid to get rough during sex. Here's the thing with BDSM, it takes communication and an ability to read body language and verbal cues, as well as giving aftercare to your sub and making sure they're okay afterwards. It's not whatever 50 shades of grey bullshit idea of BDSM that you clearly have. You don't communicate, you just assume things. Like for instance, you seem to think that because I'm submissive in the bedroom, i'm submissive in *every* aspect of my life. Some people are into that, I'm not one of them. Again, that's something that needs to be talked about and agreed upon, and you need to be able to make that distinction in the first fucking place. Also, just because I don't explicitly say "no", doesn't mean I'm consenting. If I'm saying "ow", pulling away, dead-fishing you, etc. that means stop and fucking check in with me to see if I'm okay and still enjoying myself instead of assuming I am. Honestly I know exactly why I spent an hour crying in the fucking bathroom after the first time we had sex. So let's break that down just for shits and giggles, shall we?
1. You assumed that I would be okay with you fucking me raw just because I'm on birth control. You didn't even offer to use a condom. You just told me to turn around and stuck your dick in me. On that same note, you ALSO assumed that I wanted you to cum inside me, which is where the verbal cues come in because if you recall, when you were telling me to say that I wanted you to cum inside me, I didn't. I unenthusiastically just told you to cum because I didn't fucking want you to cum *in* me, but I wanted you to finish because I was sore and exhausted and didn't want you to keep going. But you did anyway.
2. You kept slamming into my cervix which hurt like hell, and I said "ow" multiple times but you kept being rough. I even told you you were hitting my cervix and that it really hurt and all you said was "I know, I can feel it" and then kept positioning me in ways that made it so my cervix was even lower and made it more painful.
3. It stopped feeling good pretty much right away because you kept going even though I told you it hurt and was actively fucking trying to pull away from you. And here's where the reading body cues comes in because you failed to notice that I literally went limp and silent and tried to just go to sleep at one point because I was so sore and just wanted it to be over with but you just continued to fuck me without checking in with me to see if I was okay. You even said "I know you're enjoying yourself" if I remember correctly.
And the cherry on top of all this was when I told you after the fact that I felt weird after we had sex and wanted to wait a little while to have sex again, not even mentioning the fact that I cried for an hour on my bathroom floor, you got mopey about it, acted like I called you a creepy rapist, and even got offended that I called it "fucking" because you were "making love to me". Lol yeah, treating my body like a fuck toy after I repeatedly tell you you're hurting me and then try to force myself to disassociate and fall asleep so I can try to get through it while you obliviously keep pounding away is so romantic, excuse me while I swoon over to the toilet to throw up for the next 5-10 days. Also if you ever refer to sex as "making love", that alone is enough to make me gag. I fucking despise that term. And then I still let you fuck me again the next day, which thankfully was actually a good experience because I literally braced myself for a repeat of the last time.
There is so much more that pisses me off about this situation but I'll save that for later because it's 5am and I need to sleep.
My only issue is that I have two filled-to-capacity bags full of his stuff in my car now, and I need to get them to him somehow. I *really* don't want to see him again. I've been avoiding him for the past 4 days on fb messenger. I turned off all notifications for it and I've been trying to stay off Facebook as much as possible because I don't want to see the increasing number of messages in my inbox. I know exactly what I'm in for as soon as I go back and check my messages and it makes my blood absolutely boil thinking about it. So I'm laying low and trying to figure out how to get his shit to him without actually interacting with him at all.
Honestly just thinking about him pisses me the fuck off at indescribable levels. I keep thinking of all the stupid shit he's said and just his mindset with everything. I just can't get over the fucking AUDACITY. Like holy shit. He really thought he could just come here and make it his own little sanctuary and get comfortable. Literally eating my roommates' food that I specifically told him not to touch because it's not mine and I don't pay for it, but if he did finish it all off, I would be the one replacing it anyway because he's pretty much been leeching off me for the past month and doesn't pay for anything except weed sometimes. Then leaving dirty dishes ON THE FLOOR, and my roommate stepped barefoot into a tupperware full of peanut butter and jelly one day. Before that he helped himself to one of the peanut butter cups I bought without asking me first (which are 10 fucking dollars for 5 of them every time I buy them so I ration them and savor them for as long as I possibly can), didn't even fucking finish it and left that next to the couch. I also have a VERY strict rule against food in my room. There are two things that I absolutely cannot stand and it's food in my bedroom, especially if it leaves crumbs in my bed, and hair in my sink. I've told him multiple times not to fucking bring or eat food in my bedroom and he acts like I'm horribly inconveniencing him every single time. Like...??? Hi, last time I checked, you don't pay rent here and this is MY room, not OUR room or YOUR room. Get it straight, motherfucker. If you want to dirty up a room and leave dirty dishes all over the floor you can do it in your own fucking apartment. Then just the fact that after I let him stay over like three times he just started moving stuff in. I just woke up one day and he had brought a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, and a shower pouf into my bathroom. Just assumed it would be okay to start keeping shit in my bathroom without asking. Who the fuck does that? Like maybe bring an overnight bag like any person with any semblance of manners would instead moving things into my space. We weren't even dating at the time, we had just cuddled a few times at that point. Hell, we're not even really dating NOW, he just assumed that since we fuck and cuddle and he decided to make his happy ass way too comfortable in this house that he's my boyfriend. NO. I know the underlying message of the book "If You Give A Mouse A Cookie" is really shitty, but in this case it's right on the money.
And the KICKER, ohhh my god the fucking KICKER, is that a day after the huge blow up he messaged me and was telling me about how he was over at his friend's house, and his friend had a huge argument with his ex-girlfriend while he was there. So he asked me when he could see me next because he needed to get away from all the chaos. BITCH. YOU ARE NOT WELCOME HERE ANYMORE. YOU ARE BANISHED. FUCK YOU. You're never setting foot in this house, let alone my space in this house, ever again if I can help it and you're sure as hell never staying overnight again. How fucking entitled are you? Literally the only reason I haven't blocked your ass on social media is because I still haven't figured out how to return your shit to you so I can shut you out of my life completely.
I don't know if this amount of anger is an overreaction to the situation, but damn. I'm trying to finally get my life in order, figure myself out and grow from everything I've endured in the past few years. I don't have the time or patience to basically mother an overgrown teenager. I'm done with that shit. If you're going to hinder me rather than help me grow and encourage my artistic skills, then bye bitch. And I know you think you're "helping" me, but let me tell you something. You haven't done shit. Your version of "helping" is treating me like a broken object that needs to be coddled, fixed, and molded to your liking so you can feel like a hero and feed your ego. If you wanted an easily manipulated, desperate damsel in distress, you're about 14 years too fucking late for that. You might be perpetually stuck at age 16, but I'm not and I don't need your brand of "help".
Furthermore, if you think you have some kind of upper hand in this relationship, you're even dumber than I thought. Literally the only thing you've given me that's even slightly worth anything is good sex, and even then it's not even consistently good. Honestly even if it was great, it still wouldn't be enough for me to keep you around. I'd rather fuck myself than get stuck in a relationship with a patronizing, narcissistic asshole with a huge martyr complex again. Oh and another thing, you're not a "dom" just because you give a decent smack on the ass and aren't afraid to get rough during sex. Here's the thing with BDSM, it takes communication and an ability to read body language and verbal cues, as well as giving aftercare to your sub and making sure they're okay afterwards. It's not whatever 50 shades of grey bullshit idea of BDSM that you clearly have. You don't communicate, you just assume things. Like for instance, you seem to think that because I'm submissive in the bedroom, i'm submissive in *every* aspect of my life. Some people are into that, I'm not one of them. Again, that's something that needs to be talked about and agreed upon, and you need to be able to make that distinction in the first fucking place. Also, just because I don't explicitly say "no", doesn't mean I'm consenting. If I'm saying "ow", pulling away, dead-fishing you, etc. that means stop and fucking check in with me to see if I'm okay and still enjoying myself instead of assuming I am. Honestly I know exactly why I spent an hour crying in the fucking bathroom after the first time we had sex. So let's break that down just for shits and giggles, shall we?
1. You assumed that I would be okay with you fucking me raw just because I'm on birth control. You didn't even offer to use a condom. You just told me to turn around and stuck your dick in me. On that same note, you ALSO assumed that I wanted you to cum inside me, which is where the verbal cues come in because if you recall, when you were telling me to say that I wanted you to cum inside me, I didn't. I unenthusiastically just told you to cum because I didn't fucking want you to cum *in* me, but I wanted you to finish because I was sore and exhausted and didn't want you to keep going. But you did anyway.
2. You kept slamming into my cervix which hurt like hell, and I said "ow" multiple times but you kept being rough. I even told you you were hitting my cervix and that it really hurt and all you said was "I know, I can feel it" and then kept positioning me in ways that made it so my cervix was even lower and made it more painful.
3. It stopped feeling good pretty much right away because you kept going even though I told you it hurt and was actively fucking trying to pull away from you. And here's where the reading body cues comes in because you failed to notice that I literally went limp and silent and tried to just go to sleep at one point because I was so sore and just wanted it to be over with but you just continued to fuck me without checking in with me to see if I was okay. You even said "I know you're enjoying yourself" if I remember correctly.
And the cherry on top of all this was when I told you after the fact that I felt weird after we had sex and wanted to wait a little while to have sex again, not even mentioning the fact that I cried for an hour on my bathroom floor, you got mopey about it, acted like I called you a creepy rapist, and even got offended that I called it "fucking" because you were "making love to me". Lol yeah, treating my body like a fuck toy after I repeatedly tell you you're hurting me and then try to force myself to disassociate and fall asleep so I can try to get through it while you obliviously keep pounding away is so romantic, excuse me while I swoon over to the toilet to throw up for the next 5-10 days. Also if you ever refer to sex as "making love", that alone is enough to make me gag. I fucking despise that term. And then I still let you fuck me again the next day, which thankfully was actually a good experience because I literally braced myself for a repeat of the last time.
There is so much more that pisses me off about this situation but I'll save that for later because it's 5am and I need to sleep.