(no subject)
I've been an utter fucking wreck today and yesterday and I don't know if it's hormonal or what. I'm getting like, irrationally angry over stupid shit that shouldn't even bother me. But that's a later thing >.> I don't have the energy to really delve into that mess at the moment.
Very currently, I'm kind of freaking out and wondering if I should get an STD panel and an hpv screening because of ex-bf. I really, REALLY wish I had made him wrap his shit up looking back at it in hindsight. He swore he got tested but fuck knows how long ago that was, or if he even did and just lied about it. Part of me is also panicking because what if I *do* have something and gave it to College Dude and that's why he stopped talking to me?
I'm so fucking grossed out by the fact that I even had sex with ex-bf in the first place, if he gave me something, especially something incurable like hpv I am going to lose my shit completely. And I'm not being lax with condoms anymore if I end up having sex with a guy again at any point. It would be my fucking luck, too. I willingly put myself through the weirdest, batshit fucking crazy relationship that I didn't actually want to be in in the first place, with the absolute worst, most awkwardly embarrassing, creepy-ass sex I've ever had with someone that literally makes me dry heave when I think about him for an entire year. If he gave me a disease that would just be the icing on the shit cake. I don't have any symptoms but I would rather be safe than sorry.
I can't even fucking talk to him anymore. He's been messaging me here and there and I haven't responded to any of it. Is it possible to traumatize yourself? Because I think I did. The intrusive thoughts are constant and I can't make them go away. I get triggered by stupid shit. A couple weeks ago I saw a porn gif and the guy had a similar shaped dick (a lot bigger obvs) and I couldn't stop remembering the disgusting taste and smell and how it felt going down on ex-bf afterward. I swear I would chug a liter of College Dude's sour, bitter, rank-ass smoker's cum if it would erase that memory for good.
I have never hated sucking dick until I went down on ex-bf. It was vile. Like to the point where I'm kind of afraid to go down on a guy I don't know very well again because uncircumcised dicks have started to creep me out ever since then. I mean, hopefully if that happens the person will have way better hygiene but what I'm mostly afraid of is that it'll smell and taste similar to ex-bf's regardless of how well they clean up and make my pussy smell gross and then I'll have a panic attack because my scent memory is insanely vivid.
At the very least if that happens I hope they'll be packing more than a weird, less than average man baby dick. But then again maybe it'll be different since I'll actually be attracted to whoever I fuck next. I really wonder if ex-bf smelled so nauseating to me because of pheromones and the fact that I was never actually attracted to him physically. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me or why I put myself through that whole thing for so long. I really don't. Like, it definitely wasn't to make anyone jealous because let's be real, we were probably the most awkward looking couple ever. I'm 5'7, he was 5'1 and that was just the tip of the mismatch. I mean, I've had girlfriends that were only slightly taller than that so I'm not 100% against dating someone shorter than me (I prefer taller but it's not a *complete* dealbreaker if I'm really attracted to the person) but with him, being 5'1 coupled with the whining, nagging, overbearing neediness and clinginess and trying to grope and give me gross tongue kisses at inappropriate times, yeah. No. I felt like people were always staring at me and not in a good way. Even my friends were like "what the fuck is she doing".
I don't even know if I did it out of desperation because holy shit I never needed a relationship *that* bad. I really think it was because he was so pushy and I felt obligated because he had been through so much shit, so I was trying to force myself to feel feelings that never existed to like,"heal" him I guess. That's really the only explanation. I still don't know why I didn't break it off for so long. I should have broken it off when he visited the first time and I figured out pretty much right away that he thought sex meant "use girl as sentient jizz sock". Like I don't care if I came with ex-bf, he was still worse than C. I had maybe *one* good orgasm with C the entire time we dated but at the very least I was attracted to him, wanted to have sex with him, and didn't have to psych myself out, close my eyes and imagine fucking someone else just to be able to shove down the visceral disgust and fuck him in the first place. I'm not practically fucking traumatized from having sex with C. You know what, I'm not even going to refer to him as ex-bf anymore. From here on he's going to be WDB. I don't even want to acknowledge that we dated because I'm that disgusted with myself. Obviously I can't take it back or remove him from my body count but whatever I can do to distance myself from that relationship is a step in the right direction.
It's probably a really bad sign when having sex with someone that you're actually attracted to feels like a privilege. When I had sex with College Dude again for the first time I think part of the reason it was so good is because I felt like I was indulging myself having sex with someone I actually like and wanted to have sex with. That's pretty damn sad. Now that he's off the table completely I'm still trying to decide if I want to find a FWB on Tinder or something or just stay celibate for awhile. I'm leaning towards just staying celibate honestly. I don't need more unnecessary bullshit from dating app strangers and I don't want to run the risk of someone catching feelings for me because I am 150% for sure staying out of relationships for a long, long time. I'm kind of coming to the realization that I just can't have a functional, healthy relationship. I fall in love with potential and what I think I can fix, not who the person currently is (and will likely never deviate from) and it's completely fucked me over every single time. No one can meet my standards and if they do, they don't like me back. Or they turn out to be psycho breeder narcissists like Aaron. WDB was a huge wake-up call on that front. I still need to work through the mental issues I gained from that bullshit too. I don't know if I want to seek out another relationship at all, ever, because I'm too afraid that I'll fall in the same trap or end up in another abusive situation. JFC I'm a fucking mess. I really need to just channel all of this into creating art
Very currently, I'm kind of freaking out and wondering if I should get an STD panel and an hpv screening because of ex-bf. I really, REALLY wish I had made him wrap his shit up looking back at it in hindsight. He swore he got tested but fuck knows how long ago that was, or if he even did and just lied about it. Part of me is also panicking because what if I *do* have something and gave it to College Dude and that's why he stopped talking to me?
I'm so fucking grossed out by the fact that I even had sex with ex-bf in the first place, if he gave me something, especially something incurable like hpv I am going to lose my shit completely. And I'm not being lax with condoms anymore if I end up having sex with a guy again at any point. It would be my fucking luck, too. I willingly put myself through the weirdest, batshit fucking crazy relationship that I didn't actually want to be in in the first place, with the absolute worst, most awkwardly embarrassing, creepy-ass sex I've ever had with someone that literally makes me dry heave when I think about him for an entire year. If he gave me a disease that would just be the icing on the shit cake. I don't have any symptoms but I would rather be safe than sorry.
I can't even fucking talk to him anymore. He's been messaging me here and there and I haven't responded to any of it. Is it possible to traumatize yourself? Because I think I did. The intrusive thoughts are constant and I can't make them go away. I get triggered by stupid shit. A couple weeks ago I saw a porn gif and the guy had a similar shaped dick (a lot bigger obvs) and I couldn't stop remembering the disgusting taste and smell and how it felt going down on ex-bf afterward. I swear I would chug a liter of College Dude's sour, bitter, rank-ass smoker's cum if it would erase that memory for good.
I have never hated sucking dick until I went down on ex-bf. It was vile. Like to the point where I'm kind of afraid to go down on a guy I don't know very well again because uncircumcised dicks have started to creep me out ever since then. I mean, hopefully if that happens the person will have way better hygiene but what I'm mostly afraid of is that it'll smell and taste similar to ex-bf's regardless of how well they clean up and make my pussy smell gross and then I'll have a panic attack because my scent memory is insanely vivid.
At the very least if that happens I hope they'll be packing more than a weird, less than average man baby dick. But then again maybe it'll be different since I'll actually be attracted to whoever I fuck next. I really wonder if ex-bf smelled so nauseating to me because of pheromones and the fact that I was never actually attracted to him physically. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me or why I put myself through that whole thing for so long. I really don't. Like, it definitely wasn't to make anyone jealous because let's be real, we were probably the most awkward looking couple ever. I'm 5'7, he was 5'1 and that was just the tip of the mismatch. I mean, I've had girlfriends that were only slightly taller than that so I'm not 100% against dating someone shorter than me (I prefer taller but it's not a *complete* dealbreaker if I'm really attracted to the person) but with him, being 5'1 coupled with the whining, nagging, overbearing neediness and clinginess and trying to grope and give me gross tongue kisses at inappropriate times, yeah. No. I felt like people were always staring at me and not in a good way. Even my friends were like "what the fuck is she doing".
I don't even know if I did it out of desperation because holy shit I never needed a relationship *that* bad. I really think it was because he was so pushy and I felt obligated because he had been through so much shit, so I was trying to force myself to feel feelings that never existed to like,"heal" him I guess. That's really the only explanation. I still don't know why I didn't break it off for so long. I should have broken it off when he visited the first time and I figured out pretty much right away that he thought sex meant "use girl as sentient jizz sock". Like I don't care if I came with ex-bf, he was still worse than C. I had maybe *one* good orgasm with C the entire time we dated but at the very least I was attracted to him, wanted to have sex with him, and didn't have to psych myself out, close my eyes and imagine fucking someone else just to be able to shove down the visceral disgust and fuck him in the first place. I'm not practically fucking traumatized from having sex with C. You know what, I'm not even going to refer to him as ex-bf anymore. From here on he's going to be WDB. I don't even want to acknowledge that we dated because I'm that disgusted with myself. Obviously I can't take it back or remove him from my body count but whatever I can do to distance myself from that relationship is a step in the right direction.
It's probably a really bad sign when having sex with someone that you're actually attracted to feels like a privilege. When I had sex with College Dude again for the first time I think part of the reason it was so good is because I felt like I was indulging myself having sex with someone I actually like and wanted to have sex with. That's pretty damn sad. Now that he's off the table completely I'm still trying to decide if I want to find a FWB on Tinder or something or just stay celibate for awhile. I'm leaning towards just staying celibate honestly. I don't need more unnecessary bullshit from dating app strangers and I don't want to run the risk of someone catching feelings for me because I am 150% for sure staying out of relationships for a long, long time. I'm kind of coming to the realization that I just can't have a functional, healthy relationship. I fall in love with potential and what I think I can fix, not who the person currently is (and will likely never deviate from) and it's completely fucked me over every single time. No one can meet my standards and if they do, they don't like me back. Or they turn out to be psycho breeder narcissists like Aaron. WDB was a huge wake-up call on that front. I still need to work through the mental issues I gained from that bullshit too. I don't know if I want to seek out another relationship at all, ever, because I'm too afraid that I'll fall in the same trap or end up in another abusive situation. JFC I'm a fucking mess. I really need to just channel all of this into creating art